year in review

Well, this isn't really a review but some year-end-analysis-type-thoughts have been kicking around my brain for the last few days. It was a hard year. There was a lot of illness (like J was sick for 9-months and is still not quite over it) and Henry started a new school with many bumps along the way. I have had extra responsibilities at work and don't feel like I have been holding up super well. It was also a good year. Despite the rough patches and lack of sleep (still!!), we got a lot done and had some fun too. We did home improvements, including garden boxes on the side of the house for more food growing and completely re-working our old office to move the kids into it, took more trips than usual, had more visitors than usual, cooked a lot and amassed some lovely memories with our amazing kids.

I was feeling really good and optimistic when I meant to write this last week but going back to work and school today, after a rough, anxious night's sleep, really smacked me down. Things are super hectic at work and all I really want to do is sleep. Really, I am fine (this is my mantra, right?) and having a moment of adjustment here but taking so much unscheduled time off over the last couple of weeks did less to rejuvenate me and more to make me question what in the hell I think I am doing with my life. Taking care of kids and a house day in and out is hard for sure but I get it. I can do it. I'm pretty good at it. Throwing the constant call of work responsibilities and multi-tasking and imminent deadlines on top of it just sucks right now. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. At least not doing all of it well and no matter how much I plan I simply can't devote the time and attention to food, the house and my family that I really want to. And that, may or may not be something I can change. I have these stuck moments every once in awhile (probably mostly in the winter but not every year by any means) and it's always a curious thing, deciding whether I am going to change my life or simply my outlook and if either is really possible.

managed chaos

Things, they are better. Things are actually a whole lot better with my parents, better than they have been in a long time. I guess things needed to get really shaken up to clear out some of the bad feeling that were hanging around. On the other hand, we have been sick and our dear friend and nanny is having a miscarriage. It is awful for her, which is my first focus but not having childcare is also really tough here. The work deadlines are staking up and with such a small staff I have had to work through illness and inconvenience. I have been making mistakes, which makes me crazy. Henry's carpool, which allows me to be at work instead of picking him up at noon has been sick and unpredictable so I don't have a clue what I am doing from hour to hour it seems. Jason finally landed a job or two right as this all hit so we are pretty scattered and behind on many fronts right now. He and I are managing pretty well and trying to stay grounded though and succeeding somewhat. I am really looking forward to a week away in California soon. Staying with Jason's parents has never been amazing but we are going to try harder than ever to make it so this time.

sigh

I am feeling better today. The dam of impediments to progress seems to have given way at least a bit. I just went live with a huge web project I have been working on for months and it feels good. It went up with little trouble and is such a joy to work with compared to our old site. I have been dealing with web store and credit card processing technical glitches for weeks and everything finally came together. It has all really been weighing on me and is such a relief. At home, we are starting to move into the new office and it is going to be quite nice. It is interesting how things are starting to come together on multiple fronts all at the same time. The kids are well-settled in their new room and have fallen asleep together for the past few nights with minimal protest. Hooray for progress! I spotted the card reader in the bathtub today so I will get to posting some photos of it all soon.

escape

With all of the snow and all of the illness (mostly run-of-the-mill but lingering colds) in our house we have hardly left the premises in weeks. It has had its nice moments and its not so nice moments. The kids got a little nuts, Jason got stir crazy and I was feeling really worn out. Thank god our nanny made it over most days so I could actually work and work on the little crafts and stuff I planned for the kids for Christmas. Handmade does have a downside. I am once again reminded how lucky I am to be able to work from home when needed. Also thankfully, I felt fine by Christmas day but Jason has since relapsed. It's been more than a bit rough. Today though I left the house multiple times (all with kids) and saw people and went to the grocery store and had fun. It was nice. I needed to get out more than I realized and am feeling better. However, it feels like it has been weeks since I have worked and going into the office, even though it's just for 3 days this week will be strange and likely be really tough for the kids, particularly Mia who has been attached to me whenever she possibly can.

Christmas was nice and I will post photos of my handmade gifts and projects soon. I hope life is lovely for you these days.

too short

The weekend, that is. And not because we have been having so much fun. A weekend with two small kids is actually less relaxing that weekdays for us lately. I find that a little sad but so it goes. I had a couple of client projects to work on as well this weekend and I have just gotten back to it on Sunday night. I don't even get to wait until Monday. So, work I must.

flip side

Today was one of those days where you can't believe things ever seemed that bad. Henry is doing much better and I came home to him playing happily with finger puppets with the nanny. They were both all smiles and I am breathing easier on that one too. It's just one day but a step in the right direction and that's all I can ask for. Work is a bit hectic and uncertain right now but the people are good and we're in as good of a position as we can be so I'm going to sleep on it and hope we all wake up on the right side of the bed again tomorrow.

back into the swing of things

Well, not really but at least I am getting some perspective. It has been a challenging few months, summer, well, year I suppose. Going back to work in the office 3 days a week (plus 2 at home) and moving the office and hiring a new person there and going through 3 nannies before one (seems to have) stuck and generally managing to keep everyone clothed, bathed, fed, and semi-happy has been a challenge for me to say the least. I have dropped a lot of things including blogging, anything social, my sanity but lately I feel like we may be emerging from the fog of stress and sleep deprivation. Years ago a friend told be that after his kids were born (a few years apart) he didn't sleep well (or all night or something similarly horrifying) for around 7 years. At the time I figured he was crazy or hyperbolic or joking or his children were truly a mess. Now, I find this completely reasonable and understand exactly what he meant, although I am only going on 5 years at this point (I slept like hell during both pregnancies so I am counting that first 9 months as well). It really is taking a toll on me mentally and physically and although I have been trying to sort it out and figure out how to take care of myself I am still looking for a better set of solutions. I'm going to try to write every day for the month at least so hopefully, for my sake, I will be shedding some light on this project to improve my sanity right quick here.

permanently grounded

We’re home! We’re alive and well. Actually, we ARE all pretty well for once. A whole week after Henry and I were sick, Jason woke up with the stomach bug at 5:30 in the morning on the day we flew to California. Picture him with a barf bag in hand, sweating profusely, while Henry barraged him with questions and me with a squirming, exhausted, screaming baby, all on a very small airplane. Needless to say, we are not traveling for at least 4 more years. Seriously. It really wasn’t all that bad considering but the visit with Jason’s family was tiring and we were insanely relieved to get home. The baby is now a breast feeding maniac and sleeping worth shit and Henry is all kinds of aggressive and annoyed lately but other than that we are good. And, really, I mean that. I am feeling optimistic and pretty grounded through the sleepless fog at the moment. I got some work done today and Jason is helping me with web projects for work, for which I am very thankful. I adore my little family despite the insanity and want to just hole up with the three of them for the foreseeable future. Of course, we would all be deranged in a matter of days but, hey, it’s a fantasy that’s not going to happen anyway. I can see things getting very busy again but am glad to have the holidays behind me. I thought I was keeping things simple but overcommitted once again with a bunch of small, hand-made projects. I plan to post some photos of the finished products as well as some holiday cuteness. I do have a few Henry stories saved up as well. Soon, I promise!

defying the rational, or, i really need a babysitter

Conducting a conference call for a project you are managing that is unfamiliar to begin with can be hectic. Conducting said call with three long-winded middle-aged dudes with big egos (veteran journalist, architect and video producer) can be stressful. Conducing said call (did I mention it was a kick-off call and my boss (the architect) and the other two hadn’t yet spoken and he sort of got into it with the journalist-turned-video-production-executive and told him that he tended to talk to much? Well, yes, it was.) with said people and mediating their bullshit while pacing around with a grumpy, tired baby is, in a word or two, fucking ridiculous. I wonder sometimes, well, at times like these, what in the hell I think I am doing. Clearly, whatever it is, it is not sane.

saturday with blue sky

As you can see below, Mia is indeed alive and well. Well, sort of well. She has a cold again but is holding up pretty well. I have been ridiculously short on sleep and working on my regular work plus a bunch of crazy freelance design crap every free moment I have. I just realized that a supplement of sorts my doctor prescribed has been screwing with my sleep at the current dose as well as giving me otherwise unexplained anxiety. Figuring out the source of my state or really a contributor to my state is so very helpful. At least I don’t have to question why I am obsessed with deadlines and a clean house 24/7. Sleep was a tad better last night and the kids’ colds are abating once again. A good friend helped me realize that it has been weeks since I did anything for myself at all, including taking a nap or watching a little tv or, well, anything. So yesterday I did less work than I should have (which is not new but I did it on purpose and didn’t care!) and got a massage for my very sore back and took a bath. I am feeling so much sunnier it is amazing. Hopefully there will be some pumpkin carving this afternoon and maybe, just maybe, I will go buy a new computer (employer paying) today.

So, that’s where I’ve been. Fine but not great but getting better and continuing that trend I hope. Not so exciting but that’s what I’ve got. I can’t leave you without a little Henry anecdote or two though. This morning he took a band-aid off of his cut finger and exclaimed, “look! my body healed myself!” Later, as I was cooking the pancakes we had just made, he was wandering around the dining room and asked with the same exasperated tone that he might use to ask why we can’t go outside now (or, now, now, now as is more common), “mommy, why is the world so beautiful? Why!?”

school

My baby is growing up. Okay fine, he's not a baby anymore. You would think his reminders of that fact (right, big boy!) would have taught me a long time ago. In any case, Henry started going to preschool a couple mornings a week about a month ago. It is at a Waldorf school just a few minutes away and things are going swimmingly. I have only twice found him at pick up time covered in snot and tears because he is so distraught about LEAVING school. He adores his teacher and from what I can tell he is doing just fine. It's a class of 3 and 4 year olds and he is on the younger end of the spectrum but he’s right in the middle as far as behavior and developmental levels go. They make soup and paint and bake bread and go outside everyday. There are only 9 kids in the class with 2 very attentive teachers and I am on the edge of becoming a Waldorf education convert. I have my misgivings but much less so than I do with public school for him at the moment. Really, I can’t believe I am even thinking this way. A few months ago public school for the duration was a foregone conclusion. Now I’m not so sure. Thankfully we have a couple of years before I even have to form a coherent thought on the matter so for now we plod along.

I am still having a hell of a time balancing my work, parenting, home and other lives and really need a solution. I think I need some professional help figuring this one out. I am pretty sure we are going to add two more mornings of preschool while there is an opening available but it really doesn’t help anything besides giving Henry more structure (and doing something he really loves more frequently). If we could all get over the damn colds that have been lingering for weeks it would certainly be a step in the right direction.

lunch

As I was just laying in bed with a sick, sleeping (finally) kid and a grumpy not sleeping baby, wishing she would fall asleep so I could do so myself, I had a daydream about something I didn’t even know how much I missed. Lunch. Or more specifically, lunch out, preferably with good company. Actually, it would not be inaccurate to say that I simply miss eating in the middle of the day while not standing and holding a small person. It has been years since I worked in an office (at all consistently) with people whom I consider friends. At both of my downtown, professional jobs things were often hectic and at the architecture firm I sometimes worked long hours and knew far too much about the crazy inner workings of the owner’s minds. But there was pretty much always that hour or half hour in the middle of they day when we would step away from it all and eat a burrito or middle eastern food or sushi or a sandwich from the ironic hipster café. Sometimes we bitched about work (probably a lot of the time) and sometimes we just chatted about whatever. Even just taking a short walk to the row of food carts behind our building and eating at my desk while screwing around on the internet was somewhat of an event. These days, when I am juggling kids all day and fitting in work (that I don’t want to be doing yet) and groceries and meals and cleaning, just having a break in the middle of the day sounds like such a luxury, let alone a break with good food and friends. I promise that if I’m ever afforded such a simple luxury again I will not take it for granted.

In only topically related news, I took both kids out for lunch a few weeks ago. To a sit down restaurant. By myself. It was not relaxing one bit but the food was good and I felt like super woman.

C is for crazy

I didn’t plan to take such an extended break but I never intent to take a break I guess. Days just pass and all of the things that seemed vaguely interesting in the moment fade and are reduced to one-line summaries of little interest or significance in my mind. I can say that the last few weeks or so haven’t been the best. I know I’ve started all recent posts with some general statement about the suckatude of work but it has gotten really bad lately, or, more likely, my ability to deal with it is pretty much nonexistent. I have to call Jason or my parents at least once a day and have them talk me down so I don’t call my boss and tell him to fuck off. Every project I have to complete is dragging on with more and more unexpected glitches. I have all day board meeting on Friday and Saturday that I am just dreading but when they are done I am stepping way back. The project I am working on at the moment, a narrated presentation on CD, is fraught with technical problems and annoyances that make me want to throw my computer out the window. I think I’m close to the end though. I really hope so. My trainee, who still ahs a long way to go, was selected for grand jury duty that lasts 28 days (mornings only, thank god), which is putting an additional strain on already limited resources and my sanity.

In completely different news, there was an unexpected and really unpleasant death in Jason’s family last week. I don’t feel like I should go into it and after a week of feeling overwhelmed by it I am ready not to dwell anymore. When I realized that I was coming down with a version of the stomach flu that Henry had the previous week, I was actually somewhat relieved to have a physical explanation for how crappy I was feeling. I seriously thought I was losing all perspective and ability to cope for a few days last week. Things really are much better except for work. The sun is out and life should be just swimming along.

Speaking of swimming, I started pregnant lady water aerobics a few weeks ago and am enjoying that. Unfortunately the
one bitchy lady from yoga also is in the class. Of all the possible pregnant women in Portland at the moment I am sad to have to look at her face 3 nights a week. I did discover that little miss I’m as pregnant as you and look how skinny I am is actually 2 full months behind me. Stupid and bitchy I guess.

I guess we’re really having a baby. Yesterday morning Jason sat up in bed and said, “how about Audrey?” I have no idea how I feel about the name but the fact is that he’s now in the game. The same thing happened with Henry. Jason didn’t have a lot to say about my name suggestions and had none of his own until a month or so out and he ended up picking Henry’s middle name (originally to be the first). Silly maybe, but it made things feel all the more real for me. In other random baby news, the little bugger flipped over (head up now) a few weeks ago and I have been feeling less comfortable since. The midwife has given me until next week to will her back to head down (through rest and relaxation primarily) before she takes matters into her own hands. I feel like it would all be a lot easier if I could get out from under the work crap but we’ll see. Maybe acupuncture this week will help out. In any case, I think it will ultimately work out fine.

Excepting the week of flu that included vomiting, diarrhea, fever, lethargy, grumpiness and way too much tv, Henry ahs been pretty awesome lately. He is so fun and curious and cute. I really want to spend more time with him and am working on making that happen within the next two weeks. There are days lately that I see him as he’s getting up with Jason and not again until he’s in bed and that just doesn’t work for either of us.

Since this is going nowhere in particular with any speed I think I will get back to work so I can take a nap and then get out with my sweet kidd-o in the sunshine. At least I broke the dry spell and hope to be back to some more regular (and coherent) posting in the near future.

bits and pieces

I just don’t have the will to post lately. Life is moving along just fine but I often find myself wishing that the winter would move by a little quicker and that the countdown to baby were a little shorter. All in due time I suppose but I am looking forward to better sleep (I know, ha ha, but I actually prefer bleary baby feeding waking to peeing 7 times a night and fucked up dreams) and less food restrictions. I either have a bladder infection (will know in a few days) or yet another food is causing irritation and I can’t figure out what it is. If it’s wheat (suspected) I am going top be very sad but I suppose anything is better than the current discomfort. Too much information, I know. Just be thankful I’m not sharing any number of other pregnancy grievances with you. On the plus side in that department, the baby is insanely active and seems to be in a position (head down and really super low) that the midwife is thrilled with.

Work if fine but I still have three fairly major projects/products to complete in the next couple of months in addition to the daily crap and I am running out of steam. I just cut back my in office hours, which is an improvement personally but I am napping and screwing around in the afternoons instead of working so the projects are not getting any closer to completion anytime fast.

This morning Henry woke up early and sort of grumpy and Jason got up with him so I could sleep in a bit. Instead of sleeping I ended up overhearing an hour of foreshadowing of what their interaction during Henry’s preteen years it could be like. It wouldn’t be fair to say any more except, oh god, no thanks, hell no, no way.

Aside from a few minor issues Henry is great lately. Today he and I went on a walk, during which he was very quiet. At one point I said, “it sure is cold out here isn’t it?” To which he replied, “hey mommy. He haw. Yippie yay!” He’s taken to apologizing when he’s mistaken about something lately and I find it hilarious. He pointed out an “eagle bird” today and I mentioned (not really correcting him as much as neutrally observing) that it looked like it might be a seagull. To which he typically replied, “oh, yeah. Sorry mommy. Seagull! Ha!” He also praised me three times with, “oh. terrific, mommy!” when I counted spoons as he requested, bounced a yo yo like toy as he directed, and then when I served him his dinner. This kid cracks be up beyond belief.

2007 it is

I am learning that when I take a break from posting (intentionally or unintentionally) it is really hard for me to get back into it. I keep thinking of things to write but I just don’t do it. So, here’s to breaking the dry spell and getting back to some regular writing. The other issue I am having is that I am spending most of my days in the office in front of my computer and when I get home I am so tired and worn out from it all that I don’t even take my laptop out of my bag many nights. I’ve just committed to some more freelance work though, so I am going to need to get back to it and I’ll need some nighttime procrastination tools, of course, so back to blogging it is.

Christmas was pretty low key and pleasant enough. Henry had a great time and actually didn’t end up with too much new crap. Jason build him a very nice train table that he loves. The only down side is that it takes up about a quarter of the floor space in our living room. It’s worth the entertainment it gives him and keep the trains that were previously on the floor much better contained. I took a few days off work and so did Jason to finish up the new bedroom floor. It looks great and things are finally all finished and cleaned up.

Work is productive and ok but I am back to getting very tired by the end of the day and I am trying to figure out how to cut back. I am not ready to give up the money though so we’ll see how it plays out. I am sick of the cold and the gloom and don’t feel like leaving the house when I don’t have to. The only real downside is missing more trips to the gym than I should. Unfortunately, I think regular exercise is a necessity for by body to handle this pregnancy so the current slacking really isn't going to be an option for long. I just wish every other jackass in the city wasn’t crowding in at the same time I am trying to. The pregnancy is going fine otherwise and this girl kicks like crazy. It is such a reassuring thing but some days she tiring me and my insides out.

So, the silence is broken and I’m not sure it was really worth it but for the exercise. How about some pictures to go with the random ramble?

Well, screw that plan. I tried to download the last 3-weeks worth of photos (Christmas, the floor project, etc.) and apparently they are all corrupt. Jason is working on it but it doesn’t look promising at all. Damn it.

dragging across the finish line

The last day of self imposed daily posting has finally arrived. I can’t say the last 30 days have been too bad but I have no delusions about continuing the trend. I really just don’t have that much I want to commit to writing on a daily basis. At the moment I am just tired. Nothing new really but not having much downtime during the day is really a change for me. As I arrived home when it was getting dark (at 4:30 nonetheless), I started thinking about how much Jason and I used to work. Not that we don’t work a lot now and he does more than I do (hours of professional money making that is), but we used to both leave at 7 something and get home around 6. When I was working on starting up this company, I worked nights and weekends and never particularly minded. We also did a huge amount of work on our house at the time. When did we sleep? I know I’m describing a pretty typical daily routine for most Americans and the majority probably work in physically harder ways than I ever have, but seriously, I just can’t imagine it anymore. I have gotten so used to flexibility and having Henry a part of my daily routine that at the moment I just can’t conceive of things any other way. If I really loved what I am doing it might be different and who can say how much pregnancy is having an effect on, oh, everything, but if I had to keep this schedule up for more than another month I think I would fall apart completely. Gosh, this all sounds so melodramatic I’m not even feeling that melodramatic. I guess I’ll just blame sleep deprivation and hormones while I can and say that I am currently impressed with the amount of time people spend working because they want to or have to. Good night.

keepin' on

Well, the kitchen is clean. The house is somewhat picked up and vacuumed. Jason (my small to mediumish miracle) just got back from two grocery stores and no more shopping needs to be done. Henry woke up at 5:45 am again and then screamed for tv at the top of his lungs and I can only hope he will still be asleep 8 hours from now.

I suck at being in the office all day but the new employee seems to be settling in. This is a very good thing because she will be the one who allows me to really take off the time I want and need in the spring around baby arrival time. The worst part is that I am seriously missing my afternoon nap at the moment and am practically listing.

I am feeling more baby action the last day or two, which is kind of nice. So, off to finish cooking some cranberries and then fall into bed. I have to pick Jason's parents up at the airport in the early am and then do the work thing for one more day. whew.

the final countdown

So many dirty dishes and so much dust and dog hair everywhere I just can’t see the end of it. On top of that I have some significant food shopping, prepping, organizing and cooking to do. Why oh why did this have to be the week I started in the office full time again? I have gotten way too used to working at home and having a flexible schedule and multi-tasking the house crap. I am not stressing out really but I am starting to fear that Jason’s parents are going to walk into total chaos on Wednesday morning unless a small to mediumish miracle appears in the next 24 hours. I’ll let you know.

19 days straight...

...and the things rattling around in my brain:

Today was one of those days when Henry seemed infinitely older and more capable than yesterday. He figured out that he can climb into his crib by himself and got completely undressed in about 15 seconds to take a shower. Both totally new and seemingly out of nowhere. He also said damn it.

I have to leave the house at 7:30 tomorrow morning to drop off Henry and be to work by 8:30. I haven't lived that sort of schedule in a very long time. I am not looking forward to it. This week will be short so I’m not too worried but working in the office and leaving Henry 4 days a week sounds like hell to me.

Henry has been waking up at 5:45 for the last few mornings and refuses to go back to sleep. I can’t describe how much this sucks. I really hope it doesn’t continue.

Shopping options for maternity clothing suck in Portland. The usual suspects suck and I can’t believe that big department stores don't have maternity clothes. Where do people shop? I ordered a bunch of crap from gap.com today. At least I can return it locally if it doesn’t work.

Sunday night tv is a major bummer.

My house is a mess and the dishes haven’t all been done in many days. Jason’s parents arrive in 2 days.

There is a lot of cleaning, shopping and cooking to be done around here. I really hope I feel alright and am up for it.

no rest

I can’t catch a break today. Many annoying things happened with regular work and a consulting client today. Nothing major, just a lot of little annoying things to do and fix, which left me pretty grumpy by the end of the day. In addition, I was working at home this afternoon while Henry slept and some complete fucking lame-o knocked on the door to ask for god knows what and made the dog seriously freak out. As soon as I told her it was a bad time (is it ever really a good time to knock on people’s doors and ask for money. I say no.), and closed the door, Henry started screaming. He had been asleep about half as long as he needed and was in a bad mood. We suffered through the mood and I went into the office for a few things as soon as Jason got home at 4. When I got home we finished cooking dinner together and had a reasonable evening. I watched some tv and retired to write a post more interesting than this one. Unfortunately, I was reminded by an email from my boss at 8:30 tonight that I had forgotten to update a webpage that needs to be up now. So, I will do that instead of anything even slightly more thoughtful than this. I am just thankful that I can reply that there was a glitch and it is fixed. He will assume a technical glitch about which he knows absolutely nothing and I don’t have to lie outright or admit that I am just a flake right now. I think I can take one thing from this day and that is to finally get/make that “no soliciting” sign I keep thinking about. I am skeptical that it will make a difference but at very least it will fuel the fire of my indignation when it is disregarded.