thanksgiving amidst the big transition

It's been so long since I have posted that blogger looks completely different. I just had to search around to figure out how to create a post. Gah. I still write in my head almost every day. The little snippets of conversation or amazingly insane things the kids say. The things that make me happy and sad and pissed. I manage to save most of them up for Jason or my mom if she happens to be around and I'm in the mood, which isn't often, but then they slip away, perhaps to be remembered at a later time but likely not. I am forgetting entire months and years of my life it seems. Not forgetting completely I'm sure but if you asked me to tell you something that happened the year Mia was 2 I would be hard pressed to do so without digging through iPhoto, old emails or blog post. Most days I am fine with this. Live life day by day, learn what you can and move on. Move forward if you are allowed to do so. But, some days it bugs me. I want to document it all. I wish I had been writing for the past few years. I can't believe how lazy I have been just moving through the days, weeks, months and years without a record of every funny anecdote and possibly epiphany. I realize it's quite likely, statistically probably in fact, that I will not start writing again with any frequency just because I sat down and did so on a whim in the moment. On the other hand, things feel different some how. That too may pass but I am going to keep an eye on it and see what I can do. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk with the kids, shortly after eating lunch. We had to check on our bedding at the laundromat because the dog peed on my bed and my mom's washer is too small. How's that for a reminder of what this pause of our lives looks like? Not sure I will care to dredge up many memories from these months in limbo but distance may make it all a bit rosier. We can hope. So, our of nowhere Henry proclaims that he is starving and starts this demanding, dramatic, whiny dialog about desperately wanting to eat. "Sushi. I just want sushi. Or some kind of smoked fish. Any kind of fish. No, fried fish. No, fried squid." And all I can do is laugh and wonder who in the hell this kid is and where he came from. There was no sushi to be had for several reasons and he had eaten less than 30 minus before but this went on and on for at least 10 minutes while we walked and alternated between reasoning and ignoring him. We took care of laundry business and went to the library and that was the end of that. I didn't hear a word about fish or any other food for at least a few hours until dinner. In fact, I don't think he wanted to eat dinner. Silly little thing, yes, but I am struck but how important and all consuming that desire was in the moment. I took over his body and mind completely and then it was gone. It really must be hard to live with the ebb and flow of that level of passion and desire on a daily basis and maybe I can be just a little more understanding. Some days at least. I do know that I am more thankful and at peace on an average day during the last few years than I had been in very many years past and that is saying something for sure.

born again

So Henry was thinking that if he dies on a farm that the bugs and worms would come to him and the chickens would eat the worms that had eaten him and the chicken would lay an egg that would hatch into a baby chick and then the chick would lay and egg and the farmer would feed it to the farmer's daughter and when she grew up and had a baby girl he would be born as a baby again.

halloween

h: i don't want the candy fairy to come after halloween this year.
m: but she will DIE if she doesn't get candy. right, mom? RIGHT?!
me: well, that's what some people say.

That was a few weeks ago and for the record, I never said that. She got it from a parent in preschool last year I think. The whole candy fairy thing actually went off without a hitch this year. The kids were happy with their toys, which were all gleaned from basement boxes of old things from our childhoods. Mia got a my little pony unicorn, doll and awesome unicorn under a rainbow bandana from the 80s and Henry got a slinky, light up yoyo and a light up up fan we confiscated from him several years ago. I was prepared to say that the candy fairy must have known he missed his old one but he didn't even remember it. Quite surprising considering the things he remembers from when he was absolutely tiny but I can't complain. I still don't like these sort of fabrications completely but it sure beats two kids hopped up on five pounds of cheap candy over the course of days and weeks.

afloat

It’s amazing how fast I can go from confident about my kids to completely at sea. The whole back to school race was more stressful than it needed to be because I really didn’t plan ahead and found myself still digging up old rain pants and aprons on the first mornings. On the other hand, Henry returned to the same kindergarten class as last year and Mia started pre-school at Henry’s former school with his former teacher who I know and trust. She and Henry went to camp together this summer so she had the lay of the land to some extent. Generally, they have integrated easily and I am so much more at ease about everything at schools I know and like. It definitely made me realize how stressful the new school situation was for all of us last year. It’s a new schedule on al counts but I am feeling better about more time at work and the kids seem to come home happy and not too tired.

So, in short, new, slightly hectic but familiar and good. Mia hasn’t been thrilled about going some days but she’s brightened up as soon as we get there and been okay to see me go. After care has been a bit harder but she really likes the teacher and I think that will work itself out (for heaven’s sake, she’s only been 2 days). This morning though she really didn’t want to go to school at all (not so surprising for a Monday after 3 days off) but she managed to give me the biggest hug in the world and say bye to me. As I drove away I wondered if I am pushing her into something too soon. On the other hand, she is tough and adventurous and super social and so ready on so many levels. But still the doubt is there. The questions. Are we doing the best for her we can? Secondarily, the thought of coming up with a new at-home childcare situation for another year makes me queasy.

At dinner tonight we asked Henry about school and how painting went. A totally innocuous question as Monday is painting day and has never been any cause for discussion or concern of any sort. He told and retold the story of the day and with a little prodding and prying it came out that he had a “silly” day and had to spend much of it sitting out of activities. He told us about how silly other kids were and how they didn’t have to sit out, which makes me almost certain that he is being held to a higher standard because he knows the rules. He knows what’s expected. He’s done this before. And I’m fine with that, really. I just have such a hang up with good behavior and having him listen and follow directions. Last year was such a surprise and so nerve wracking for me, which played a major part in our decision for him to do k again. I didn’t think it would be good for any of us (Henry mostly though) to go through the stress of another year of difficulty meeting expectations, mostly in the silly and emotional departments. I guess I had sort of convinced myself that this year would be a breeze. He would have no issues. We were beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s fine, he’s a kid who was goofy in class. It didn’t even warrant a report from the teacher (then again I didn’t pick him up) but it was that old familiar pang of uncertainty. Sending them out into the world to navigate on their own is so tough right now (please tell me it gets easier). I want them to be strong and confident and independent as well as able to follow the basic and social conventions. Apparently it’s a taller order than anyone can deliver around here and I have to be okay with that.

I ran into Mia’s teacher at the grocery store after the kids were in bed tonight and she said that Mia stood right by her side all day and also that she loves having her there. Mia is her little friend I feel so lucky that she has such a sweet, amazingly patient teacher and we discussed whether or not she’s ready for this. We both think she’s just going through a transition period but it has me feeling a little sad and unsure about it all. In these moments I start wondering if I should be home schooling the kids and we should be looking for a farm. On one hand it sounds ridiculous and on the other it sounds awesome. Sadly, I doubt we’ll have it together for either of those things until the kids are starting junior high and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to work.

Not sure if I have come to any conclusions here but maybe I have at least written something that will remind me of how simple my concerns were when I’m dealing with bigger more complicated parenting issues. Then again, I don’t think I am much of a worrier these days. It’s more that I am letting go of my babies, watching them become people with lives and choices of their own and that’s no small thing indeed.

snowman in august

quirks

Words that I actually prefer Mia continue to mispronounce/misremember:

Teeter tots (Tater tots. God forbid she ever eat them but it's adorable.)
Hankey Doodle Dandy

I also enjoyed catching her singing, "you've got mud on your face, you're a big disgrace" to herself this morning. She completely denied it of course. What I don't enjoy in that department lately is Henry constantly singing or humming Miley Syrus (how do you spell that and don't get me started on how he was exposed to one insidious song. Hint, not on my watch.) or the Indiana Jones theme song. Surprisingly, I think the Indiana Jones is actually more annoying.

In other more anxiety-inducing news, both of my kids start school next week at different schools and with different schedules. I can't believe I'm sending my baby to school for the first time. Sigh. I also don't have any childcare and two huge projects to finish. After having so much time off this summer I am actually juggling it all pretty well and feeling mostly up to the task, which is such a welcome change.

pause

My dear Henry,
A couple of weeks ago you turned 6. Historically I have made a point to put you to bed on your birthday (well, I always put you to bed but I especially try to be patient and make a longer event of it) and then sit down to write about you at that moment. This year we were in Montana and dealing with a lot of variables, some fun and others less fun. We celebrated your day for sure (you are still not thrilled that a party hasn't yet materialized this year) but I just haven't had it in me to sit down and write much. It's been an interesting summer so far of travel and camps and real camping and playing outside all day. I took some time off from work this month and while it hardly seemed like enough I got to spend more time focusing on you and Mia and remembering these days and ages and stories and jokes. For that alone it was totally worth it.

Last night you wanted to fall asleep in our bed and I came in to lay with you for awhile. We chatted about things that make us sad and I was reminded how similar you are to me as a child and even now. We are emotionally sensitive and not always sure how to process it. We have to be very careful with what we expose you to and help you make sense of it all. Thankfully I think I can do that for you, with you. We also laughed and talked about exciting things to come. It was the pleasant sweet moment I have been waiting for for weeks.

I left for a few minutes and told you I would return. You were so drowsy it would have been easy for me to go on with the evening clean up but I kept my word and came back. You were half asleep and said you were just wondering when I was going to come back and if I had forgotten. I told you that I would never forget you or the promises I make to you and you looked me in the eyes and nodded solemnly. We talked for a few more minutes before you finally fell asleep. Bedtime has not often been fun in our house but I am so thankful to have these precious little moments to help erase the whining and frustration and tears. The dishes can wait. I will always be here. I will always come back. Happy birthday, baby. Six is going to be a good year, I just know it.

now 6

It's amazing what a decent day can do for perspective. I am now sitting in a quiet house with sleeping kids. I'm contemplating washing some walls to do a little touch up painting but may not manage it. We moved furniture and it looks pretty ratty at the moment. With two kids and a dog I'm not too worried about upkeep these days but with Jason's extended family coming this week I am compelled to put in a little more effort than usual, particularly sine I am likely to enjoy the results more than anyone. On the other hand, I have a pile of basil that needs attention before I can go to bed. The walls may have to wait.

A funny thing about my kids and bugs that I can't get out of my head. This morning both of them came stomping into my room practically shaking with fear and angst about a spider on the couch. Later today Henry found a moth in a toy truck outside and freaked out. Mia asked him if it stung and then why he was worried about it. I think the flying is the unpredictable and concerning thing there. Henry is petrified of bees (and so is Mia to some degree) after being stung on the tongue by one last year. On the flip side, they are crazy (in a good way) for worms, slugs, millipedes, grubs (which I wouldn't touch with my bear hands if you paid me), pill bugs, ladybugs, etc. They pick them up and carry them around and baby them and put them in jars. It's not uncommon to overhear Henry telling someone about his new pet(s), by which he means a bug in a jar. I get the stinging, biting thing but otherwise there is some lack of consistency here that I find at least slightly interesting.

now 2

Now, I am full of Thai food and hoping it didn't have any wheat (soy sauce) in it. I am not looking forward to bedtime, which I should be initiating any minute. I wish I didn't have to keep knowing, seeing, hearing about the oil spewing into the ocean but it seems to be a popular topic and unavoidable one around here. More, I wish it wasn't happening in the first place. I just finished the first crossword puzzle of the day and have more graphic design work to look forward to instead of relaxing tonight. Right now Mia is yelling at me about how her hand is missing in a little black velvet bag and has moved on to trying to stuff my mouse into it as I type. Henry is bouncing a big purple ball and holding forth on the details of the behaviors of people in the lego development he just finished. I really hope the kids go to sleep without much fuss and trauma tonight.

morning play

Often the kids play for awhile before we get out of bed depending on how early they wake up. Lately that have been sleeping in great (7:20 woohoo) but not the last couple of mornings so I told them to play quietly.

day 1:
M: let's build a hot house.
H: no, the heat's not on.
H: do you want to play with tracks (car)?
M: no.
H: let's go stare at the TV and pretend it's on.
M: okay!

On the following morning, they are up really early and mumbling stuff back and forth by my head when I tell them to go to their room. I remember dreaming about some random dialog and thinking I would write it down but then I forgot it altogether. Until, that is, I heard from Mia running into my room and right up to my ear, "maaaamaaaaaa, there's a bad pig in the hallway!" Right, "let's play bad pigs" was what I had forgotten. I have no idea what it means or where it came from but I'm pretty sure I will never forget it.

remembering

We are doing a birthday celebration in Henry's class tomorrow since he has a July birthday. I spent a ton of time and effort on some hippy chocolate chip cookies full of dates, almond butter and quinoa flour. No kidding. I think it was probably worth it but I like the idea a lot more than the process or the product. In typical Waldorf fashion, we need to say something about each year of his life. Having been there every day you would think we could come up with some nice memories without consulting the iphoto library. Not so much. Without those photos we would be lost or at least wandering.

not exactly what mr. crow had in mind

The parents in Henry's class helped make little rag dolls out of handkerchiefs with wool hair for each child. They are delivered several a day by Mr. Crow and the teacher is told which baby would like to go with which child. The babies stay in the classroom until the end of the year for the children to play with and having seen it first hand I can say the kids are pretty excited about the arrival of new little ones each morning. They have names like gladiola, marigold and poppy. Henry got his today and its (they are sort of gender neutral) name is mistletoe. He figured that was probably because his teacher knew he likes missiles. Hmmmm is all I have to say about that.

busy indeed

tiger: bee, come here and have some breakfast
bee: no, i already ate breakfast. i had some dirt. i am here in my little dirt house but i need to go do some work on my computer now.
tiger: okay.

the awesomeness of playing restaurant

This is pretty much verbatim from tonight's ongoing restaurant play. I got Jason to tape the couple of minutes that follow this, which I should probably transcribe as well, before Henry caught him and got annoyed. I have no idea where some of these things come from. None whatsoever. It's amazing how serious they both are about their roles and the tone of the whole thing. Henry plays a diligent if not somewhat brusque waiter/chef/restaurant owner. I just heard Mia say, "I have to go pee. Where's the bathroom?"

h: What would you like?
m: Fish and chips.
h: We have fish but we don't have french fries
m: You don't have french fries for dinner?
h: No.
m: Okay.
h: So, what would you like? The fish combo?
m: Yeah, the fish combo.
me from the other room: what's in the fish combo?
(silence)
h: What would you like for your baby? The baby bottles are free.
m: Yeah, she wants milk.
(much clanging of pots and pans and shuffeling between the table and kitchen is going on the whole time)
h: Okay so is that all you want?
(Mia is also pretending to read the menu while holding her baby)
m: Um, yeah. I want fish and chips.
h: I already told you we don't have that. Just the fish.
h: So are you wanting the baby meal to come first or the adult meal? The baby first? The adult one first?
m: Um, okay.
h: Oh, yeah, I just want to remind you that the fish combo has lemon juice in it. So, it's kind of strong.
m: Lemon juice?
h: Yes.

...Apparently our guest now has a birthday party coming soon and they want chicken but the restaurant doesn't have chicken...the story continues...it's her cousin's birthday and she's turning 2 and a half...

it's complicated

Life is so hard to sort out for little kids (and their parents) these days. We have the age old question floating around the house about how are babies made, where does wind come from (?!), when will I die, and do people live on other planets. Add to that issues about the disparity between real and fictionalized dinosaurs, pirates, and princesses, with a seasonal dose of Santa, flying reindeer and elves who make presents. Don't even get me started on the elves, gnomes and fairies that inhabit the Waldorf kindergartner's kingdom. I can hardly keep it all straight and I refuse to lie, opting for a lot of shrugging and, "I don't know. What do you think?" I don't really have a point here but I did get a kick out of Henry and Mia's play the other day in which Henry made her pay a fee of a hacky sack in a measuring cup to board his spaceship bound for mars with her babies. Shortly thereafter they told us they were, "Christmas pirates sailing the sea, visiting other pirate ships, to give them treats you can eat. And weapons."

like a glove

On Thanksgiving at my parents', I asked Henry to put his hand in my clay handprint from kindergarten. It looked really small to me but his hand fit perfectly. I didn't think he would even humor me by trying but he was really excited and more than happy to take a picture. I suppose I should work on making a handprint for him about now as well.

not the muppet

Laying in bed with Henry tonight, he turns over and settles in. We often have little chats or clarifications on the day at this point, mostly fairly banal but some nights confounding.

H: Don't you just love St. Elmo's Fire?
Me: (stifling a laugh and a wtf?) Um, I'm not sure what you are talking about. Let's go to sleep.
H: You know, the song.
Me: (digging way back into my memory banks and coming up with some vague John Hughes' references and nothing more. also wondering who has played this for him. dad or nanny being the only two possibilities.) Right. I guess.
H: Why is it called St. Elmo's Fire? Was there a person St. Elmo's Fire?
Me: Yeah, probably a long time ago.
H: He's probably the one who discovered Elmo.
Me: (really stifling a laugh) That's a different Elmo.
H: Why is there another Elmo?

Things tapered of from there fairly uneventfully and he was asleep in a few minutes. Ah, the little moments I don't want to forget. I particularly like this idea of Elmo being discovered, plucked from obscurity and rising to super stardom. Also, I haven't dug up the song yet, which I suspect I will find on Jason's itunes, but I did look up the reference and it will give us something good to discuss tomorrow. Thank God for the internet.

the differences are staggering

Mia has a cold and was being a pain at bedtime so I rocked with her for awhile. She asked for cheese and I told her it would make her snottier and that she couldn't have it. Had I said the same thing to Henry (which I'm pretty sure I have) when he was 2.5 or, um, yesterday, he would have likely responded with a freak out such as, "No it doesn't! But I want it. I'm so hungry. Please. Please. Please! It isn't fair." and possibly throw in an, "I never get cheese. Why do I neeeever eeeeever get cheese?" But, Mia in this instance replied "I want snot. I want more snot. I want snot and cheese!" Way to roll with it kid. Which is not to say that she doesn't throw colossal tantrums. Oh, she does but she is also a bit more flexible and understands the power of humor even though she still didn't get any cheese.

happy together

They have changed even since last month but this is a nice moment to remember. Henry and Mia do fight every day to some degree, sometimes quite intensely, but I am thrilled by how much they play together and have fun together and really enjoy each other's company. For awhile Mia was more interested in Henry than she was in him but these days it is often pretty mutual. he looks out for her and she makes him laugh. They boss each other around and defend each other. Watching them together is one of my favorite parts of every day.

goodbye, army guys

I am feeling grouchy and annoyed. Today was a stressful day but it was the kind of stressful comprised of a bunch of dumb, random things all happening at once and it's hardly worth detailing. But, here I am still grumpy nonetheless. Laying down with Henry tonight, he started rambling all sorts of things about needing more army guys and tanks fighting monster trucks and it hit me really hard. I know he has some exposure to such things, even at the Waldorf schools and more so from our neighbors but I have been trying not to worry too much about sheltering him and getting worked up about low levels of exposure to video games and unappealing cartoons and multi-level marketed toys. But, really I hate the crap and if I hate it enough to keep it out of our house then why in the hell haven't I been trying harder to keep it out of our lives altogether? The kid is 5 and I don't have a lot more time to control his surroundings. Soon I will have even less choice about what he sees and does. I feel much worse about the fact that I have let this happen than that it has happened. I feel guilty. When Henry goes to play with our neighbors (who are decent kids with parents I really like) on occasion, my house gets quieter and my life feels easier for an hour. I have been taking the peace and quiet without really considering the price. I need to hold my ground about things that are important to me whether they are easy or not. A bit dramatic perhaps but that's where I am right now. A bit of a half-baked rant as we near the end of this dark, frustrating day.