of course

Gosh, I'm sort of surprised this blog thing here still works. Life is moving at a blur with lots of sweet moments to watch it fly by. I can't ask for more.

Me: Mia, please wash your hands for dinner.
Mia: No, I already washed them.
Me: Yes, but then you went to the bathroom.
Mia: But I didn't touch the toilet!
Me: Really, how did you do that?
Mia: (quite matter-of-fact) I just used all of the muscles in my butt to climb up. Yep.
Me: Yep.

feeling the after shocks

We should have gone all in on the candy fairy deal but I fear we dragged our feet for too long. It's hard to realize that seemingly rational kids are not rational at all and believe in all manner of strangeness and magic. They really are looking to us for direction and to set the rules. Sometimes I get it and other times I simply forget and remind myself to be more diligent the next time. This cryptic entry would make much more sense with an adorable Halloween photo but I have yet to sort through what's on my camera and it's way past my bedtime. Maybe tomorrow.

afloat

It’s amazing how fast I can go from confident about my kids to completely at sea. The whole back to school race was more stressful than it needed to be because I really didn’t plan ahead and found myself still digging up old rain pants and aprons on the first mornings. On the other hand, Henry returned to the same kindergarten class as last year and Mia started pre-school at Henry’s former school with his former teacher who I know and trust. She and Henry went to camp together this summer so she had the lay of the land to some extent. Generally, they have integrated easily and I am so much more at ease about everything at schools I know and like. It definitely made me realize how stressful the new school situation was for all of us last year. It’s a new schedule on al counts but I am feeling better about more time at work and the kids seem to come home happy and not too tired.

So, in short, new, slightly hectic but familiar and good. Mia hasn’t been thrilled about going some days but she’s brightened up as soon as we get there and been okay to see me go. After care has been a bit harder but she really likes the teacher and I think that will work itself out (for heaven’s sake, she’s only been 2 days). This morning though she really didn’t want to go to school at all (not so surprising for a Monday after 3 days off) but she managed to give me the biggest hug in the world and say bye to me. As I drove away I wondered if I am pushing her into something too soon. On the other hand, she is tough and adventurous and super social and so ready on so many levels. But still the doubt is there. The questions. Are we doing the best for her we can? Secondarily, the thought of coming up with a new at-home childcare situation for another year makes me queasy.

At dinner tonight we asked Henry about school and how painting went. A totally innocuous question as Monday is painting day and has never been any cause for discussion or concern of any sort. He told and retold the story of the day and with a little prodding and prying it came out that he had a “silly” day and had to spend much of it sitting out of activities. He told us about how silly other kids were and how they didn’t have to sit out, which makes me almost certain that he is being held to a higher standard because he knows the rules. He knows what’s expected. He’s done this before. And I’m fine with that, really. I just have such a hang up with good behavior and having him listen and follow directions. Last year was such a surprise and so nerve wracking for me, which played a major part in our decision for him to do k again. I didn’t think it would be good for any of us (Henry mostly though) to go through the stress of another year of difficulty meeting expectations, mostly in the silly and emotional departments. I guess I had sort of convinced myself that this year would be a breeze. He would have no issues. We were beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s fine, he’s a kid who was goofy in class. It didn’t even warrant a report from the teacher (then again I didn’t pick him up) but it was that old familiar pang of uncertainty. Sending them out into the world to navigate on their own is so tough right now (please tell me it gets easier). I want them to be strong and confident and independent as well as able to follow the basic and social conventions. Apparently it’s a taller order than anyone can deliver around here and I have to be okay with that.

I ran into Mia’s teacher at the grocery store after the kids were in bed tonight and she said that Mia stood right by her side all day and also that she loves having her there. Mia is her little friend I feel so lucky that she has such a sweet, amazingly patient teacher and we discussed whether or not she’s ready for this. We both think she’s just going through a transition period but it has me feeling a little sad and unsure about it all. In these moments I start wondering if I should be home schooling the kids and we should be looking for a farm. On one hand it sounds ridiculous and on the other it sounds awesome. Sadly, I doubt we’ll have it together for either of those things until the kids are starting junior high and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to work.

Not sure if I have come to any conclusions here but maybe I have at least written something that will remind me of how simple my concerns were when I’m dealing with bigger more complicated parenting issues. Then again, I don’t think I am much of a worrier these days. It’s more that I am letting go of my babies, watching them become people with lives and choices of their own and that’s no small thing indeed.

quirks

Words that I actually prefer Mia continue to mispronounce/misremember:

Teeter tots (Tater tots. God forbid she ever eat them but it's adorable.)
Hankey Doodle Dandy

I also enjoyed catching her singing, "you've got mud on your face, you're a big disgrace" to herself this morning. She completely denied it of course. What I don't enjoy in that department lately is Henry constantly singing or humming Miley Syrus (how do you spell that and don't get me started on how he was exposed to one insidious song. Hint, not on my watch.) or the Indiana Jones theme song. Surprisingly, I think the Indiana Jones is actually more annoying.

In other more anxiety-inducing news, both of my kids start school next week at different schools and with different schedules. I can't believe I'm sending my baby to school for the first time. Sigh. I also don't have any childcare and two huge projects to finish. After having so much time off this summer I am actually juggling it all pretty well and feeling mostly up to the task, which is such a welcome change.

pause

My dear Henry,
A couple of weeks ago you turned 6. Historically I have made a point to put you to bed on your birthday (well, I always put you to bed but I especially try to be patient and make a longer event of it) and then sit down to write about you at that moment. This year we were in Montana and dealing with a lot of variables, some fun and others less fun. We celebrated your day for sure (you are still not thrilled that a party hasn't yet materialized this year) but I just haven't had it in me to sit down and write much. It's been an interesting summer so far of travel and camps and real camping and playing outside all day. I took some time off from work this month and while it hardly seemed like enough I got to spend more time focusing on you and Mia and remembering these days and ages and stories and jokes. For that alone it was totally worth it.

Last night you wanted to fall asleep in our bed and I came in to lay with you for awhile. We chatted about things that make us sad and I was reminded how similar you are to me as a child and even now. We are emotionally sensitive and not always sure how to process it. We have to be very careful with what we expose you to and help you make sense of it all. Thankfully I think I can do that for you, with you. We also laughed and talked about exciting things to come. It was the pleasant sweet moment I have been waiting for for weeks.

I left for a few minutes and told you I would return. You were so drowsy it would have been easy for me to go on with the evening clean up but I kept my word and came back. You were half asleep and said you were just wondering when I was going to come back and if I had forgotten. I told you that I would never forget you or the promises I make to you and you looked me in the eyes and nodded solemnly. We talked for a few more minutes before you finally fell asleep. Bedtime has not often been fun in our house but I am so thankful to have these precious little moments to help erase the whining and frustration and tears. The dishes can wait. I will always be here. I will always come back. Happy birthday, baby. Six is going to be a good year, I just know it.

remembering

We are doing a birthday celebration in Henry's class tomorrow since he has a July birthday. I spent a ton of time and effort on some hippy chocolate chip cookies full of dates, almond butter and quinoa flour. No kidding. I think it was probably worth it but I like the idea a lot more than the process or the product. In typical Waldorf fashion, we need to say something about each year of his life. Having been there every day you would think we could come up with some nice memories without consulting the iphoto library. Not so much. Without those photos we would be lost or at least wandering.

bad times

Bedtime makes me want to kick a hole in something, eat a chocolate cake, and take drugs, not necessarily in that order. Almost every night. Seriously, we have to be doing something wrong here. This cannot be normal. It cannot be this hard for most children to fall asleep without screaming, whining, crying, demanding, begging and fighting to name a few. I'm sure it won't last but I have no idea what to do to get us through. My crying babies were frustrating but they never made me angry. This business with an almost-3-year-old and 5-and-a-half year old, it makes me angry.

it's complicated

Life is so hard to sort out for little kids (and their parents) these days. We have the age old question floating around the house about how are babies made, where does wind come from (?!), when will I die, and do people live on other planets. Add to that issues about the disparity between real and fictionalized dinosaurs, pirates, and princesses, with a seasonal dose of Santa, flying reindeer and elves who make presents. Don't even get me started on the elves, gnomes and fairies that inhabit the Waldorf kindergartner's kingdom. I can hardly keep it all straight and I refuse to lie, opting for a lot of shrugging and, "I don't know. What do you think?" I don't really have a point here but I did get a kick out of Henry and Mia's play the other day in which Henry made her pay a fee of a hacky sack in a measuring cup to board his spaceship bound for mars with her babies. Shortly thereafter they told us they were, "Christmas pirates sailing the sea, visiting other pirate ships, to give them treats you can eat. And weapons."

not the muppet

Laying in bed with Henry tonight, he turns over and settles in. We often have little chats or clarifications on the day at this point, mostly fairly banal but some nights confounding.

H: Don't you just love St. Elmo's Fire?
Me: (stifling a laugh and a wtf?) Um, I'm not sure what you are talking about. Let's go to sleep.
H: You know, the song.
Me: (digging way back into my memory banks and coming up with some vague John Hughes' references and nothing more. also wondering who has played this for him. dad or nanny being the only two possibilities.) Right. I guess.
H: Why is it called St. Elmo's Fire? Was there a person St. Elmo's Fire?
Me: Yeah, probably a long time ago.
H: He's probably the one who discovered Elmo.
Me: (really stifling a laugh) That's a different Elmo.
H: Why is there another Elmo?

Things tapered of from there fairly uneventfully and he was asleep in a few minutes. Ah, the little moments I don't want to forget. I particularly like this idea of Elmo being discovered, plucked from obscurity and rising to super stardom. Also, I haven't dug up the song yet, which I suspect I will find on Jason's itunes, but I did look up the reference and it will give us something good to discuss tomorrow. Thank God for the internet.

nostalgia

There is simply no way I can have another baby. I keep saying I will spend more time with friend's babies but that is hardly practical. And, really there's just nothing like having one's own babies and watching them grow up. At least I have photos and hazy memories. Sigh.

another day

One more of those days at the end of which I need to collapse. We're not sick and things aren't particularly more difficult than usual but I just don't have the energy for anything. I spent the morning in Henry's kindergarten class and it was barely managed chaos and more than a little disappointing. I'm confused. This is where we wanted him and it's relatively okay but really not the experience I imagined. I am reeling a bit and trying to figure out how much I want to say and to whom. We have a conference in a couple of weeks, which will be a good step but I think I might need to do more before then. Too much to think through and a lot of behind the scenes conversations. Then again, as Jason reminds me, "It's just kindergarten." Surprisingly that does help a bit. Ack, I have a kid calling for me for water. Off to bed it is.

happy together

They have changed even since last month but this is a nice moment to remember. Henry and Mia do fight every day to some degree, sometimes quite intensely, but I am thrilled by how much they play together and have fun together and really enjoy each other's company. For awhile Mia was more interested in Henry than she was in him but these days it is often pretty mutual. he looks out for her and she makes him laugh. They boss each other around and defend each other. Watching them together is one of my favorite parts of every day.

birth control

If I ever think about having another baby just tell me to have a dinner party or plan any other exciting thing and tell Henry about it beforehand. We are having friends over (any minute!) and Henry has literally asked what time it is (even though he can pretty much tell time) and when they are coming and are they here yet (do you not have functioning eyes or ears?) for 2 hours straight. I would guess that he has probably asked/whined 200 times in that 2 hours. Mia just keeps replying that they will be here in "a couple a minutes," which doesn't please him. He has me really hoping they will be here soon too and that my ears will not suffer irreparable harm before that occurs. Thankfully for me K is bringing drinks.

goodbye, army guys

I am feeling grouchy and annoyed. Today was a stressful day but it was the kind of stressful comprised of a bunch of dumb, random things all happening at once and it's hardly worth detailing. But, here I am still grumpy nonetheless. Laying down with Henry tonight, he started rambling all sorts of things about needing more army guys and tanks fighting monster trucks and it hit me really hard. I know he has some exposure to such things, even at the Waldorf schools and more so from our neighbors but I have been trying not to worry too much about sheltering him and getting worked up about low levels of exposure to video games and unappealing cartoons and multi-level marketed toys. But, really I hate the crap and if I hate it enough to keep it out of our house then why in the hell haven't I been trying harder to keep it out of our lives altogether? The kid is 5 and I don't have a lot more time to control his surroundings. Soon I will have even less choice about what he sees and does. I feel much worse about the fact that I have let this happen than that it has happened. I feel guilty. When Henry goes to play with our neighbors (who are decent kids with parents I really like) on occasion, my house gets quieter and my life feels easier for an hour. I have been taking the peace and quiet without really considering the price. I need to hold my ground about things that are important to me whether they are easy or not. A bit dramatic perhaps but that's where I am right now. A bit of a half-baked rant as we near the end of this dark, frustrating day.

my whole self

It's only day three here and I am tired and looking for a quick post. Long day in which I may have eaten too much stashed Halloween candy. I saved a few pieces for Jason, that I may have forgotten to tell him about, and then we traded the kids a toy for their candy when the begging and whining became too much. They look so small and unassuming but when you work at home and eat one every couple of hours it can add up to some major brain fog. Oh, and then I made caramel apples tonight. An aside, honey and cream and a touch of sea salt make lovely caramel. I will be experimenting more soon.

Where was I going with this? Hard to say but Mia said something yesterday that I don't want to forget. There is way too much unfortunate language in this house and not because I can't stop swearing in front of my children. I have really reeled it in after Jason made it clear how unpleasant it was. No, it's the garden variety "stupid" with a lot of "poop" and "farts" thrown in and recently there has been a whole lot of "I hate this/that/him/her." This is one of my least favorites but I remember doing it as a kid and I could tell it bothered my mom (on an emotional level) which gave me more leverage than it should have or than I wanted. Unfortunate. In any case, I am not bothered on any fundamental level by hearing that they hate things or even me (oddly I find it kind of amusing- all of that intense emotion over the smallest bump in the road) but I do find it tiring and am concerned that they will hurt other people's feeling. Another problem is that while it is probably not uncommon for a 5-year-old to be stomping around hating things it's harder to manage a 2.5-year-old doing the same thing. And, oh how she does the same thing. In reality, they are both quite good about such things and kind around their friends/peers. My kids are rarely bothered by name calling themselves, which at least makes this all the less traumatic but may also mean that I don't intervene enough. Meaning, I have never really had to role play what to do or say when someone says something you don't like so I was all the more stunned yesterday when Henry said "I hate you, Mia" (I think she snatched a toy), to which she calmly replied, "I like me. I like my whole self." Out of nowhere. It was perfect.

mia

Is it bad that I find my daughter so cute and overwhelmingly awesome multiple times a day, every day, that I, to borrow an apt phrase from Henry, feel like I am going to barf? Really. It's worse than any crush I've every had on a boy and I desperately hope it never ends. I feel guilty writing this but I don't think anyone or anything else in my life has ever made me feel so happy and so lucky. There it is. Henry, you have my permission to use this against me for the rest of your life. If I were you I would.

I was going to leave it at that but it hardly seems fair not to make some qualifications. It's not that I have a favorite by any means. Henry is perfectly as he is supposed to be and Jason and I give each other awestruck glances all the time when he says or does something brilliant, adorable, amazing. I think a big part of it is that I am more settled and comfortable in my role as a parent now than I was a few years ago. Also our family feels complete (I think) so it's easier to sit back and enjoy what we have right now. Henry keeps challenging us in new ways and while Mia is much more defiant and difficult than he was at 2.5, we know how fast it all changes and don't get hung up on the tantrums. The other part of it that is just fate is that Mia is just so darned much like me. She looks like I did and I feel like I really get her on a deep level. She is like a little me but with infinitely more confidence and it's a fun thing to see evolve before my eyes.

happy birthday, henry

It really blows me away that you are now 5. It's seems like a big deal. Real school is just a few months away and you are figuring out the world more each day. Last night at bedtime you asked me who made the world. I offered a quick summary of the big bang theory and the God theory. At first you were focused on who made all of the roads and cars and towns and such and "people" was an easy answer. We talked about how the big question is who made people and nature. I remember having similar thoughts at your age and I also remember being thoroughly freaked out realizing that I was just one person with these thoughts rattling around in my brain in a huge universe. Pretty big thoughts for a 5-year-old but that's something you and I seem to have in common. I think it comes from my dad. We don't seem to stop thinking and planning and reasoning and questioning, even when it's not in our best interest. The great part about the conversation was that you didn't seem to get freaked out at the expansiveness of it all. You simply replied that, "oh, yeah, a volcano made nature. A tall, steep one." And that was that. It was all you needed. On one hand, your tendency to come up with your own answers and be so sure that they are correct drives me a little crazy (then again, it's another on of my tendencies that emerged at an early age) but in most cases I love how you can be satisfied and comforted by your understanding of things. You aren't too caught up in the big picture or the pesky details. You are still a little kid and I am so very thankful for that. And I'm not ready for anything else yet.

I look forward to another year with you, learning how to give you what you need and showing you the things I love in this world. I hope that our similarities will allow me to help you navigate through life a little easier than I have at times and when I can't, that I can help you pick up the pieces and move forward with strength and the knowledge that you are loved always, no matter what. Sweet dreams as you rest tonight my newly-5-year-old boy. Love, Mama

moving to the country?

This is what happens when you have a 5-year-old neighbor who is into princesses and all manner of plastic crap. She proudly packed up a big box of dress-up things she no longer needed/fit into and brought them to Mia. While the effort was sweet, it contained no less than 7 pairs of plastic high heels. My God. Henry actually took to a purple strappy pair immediately but thankfully I managed to box those babies back up. Never in a million years would I have guessed that a Disney princess apron ("dreaming of dancing" of course) and princess chef hat existed. Now I know.

monday morning

This morning Jason and the kids woke up at the same time, about 45 minutes before he had to get out the door, leaving that precious window for me to get a little more sleep. i really needed it after a night of tossing and turning and insane dreams. Unfortunately, Henry and Mia decided they needed to press their bodies into me and play with cars and sing loudly for the entire 45 minutes. No matter how much I begged, ignored, whined, and threatened they couldn't be persuaded to leave my sides. At one point I was moaning at Henry to give me some space and quiet and he looked straight into my eyes from a few inches away and flatly said, as though I must have been confused, "it's not mother's day."

from where does it come?

Yes, we live in a city with a lot of tattooed people and I even have a couple little ones myself but my kids have had pretty limited exposure to tattoos and very little expose up-close-and-personal. I don't think this has anything to do with them liking temporary kid tattoos. Hell, I loved them as a kid and I don't think I saw a real tattoo until I was 10. I led a sheltered childhood in some ways.

In any case, they are always asking for rubber stamps on their bodies. I have an embarrassing stash of cutesie holiday stamps, smiling animals, babies, etc. Like I said, embarrassing, but I used to make a lot of invitations and cards, although I suppose that doesn't make it any less embarrassing of a habit/admission. In short, a lot of kid-friendly crap from which to choose, which made it all the more surprising when they each chose these the other night. If this is their natural inclination at almost-5 and 2, what do I have in store for me?