thanksgiving amidst the big transition

It's been so long since I have posted that blogger looks completely different. I just had to search around to figure out how to create a post. Gah. I still write in my head almost every day. The little snippets of conversation or amazingly insane things the kids say. The things that make me happy and sad and pissed. I manage to save most of them up for Jason or my mom if she happens to be around and I'm in the mood, which isn't often, but then they slip away, perhaps to be remembered at a later time but likely not. I am forgetting entire months and years of my life it seems. Not forgetting completely I'm sure but if you asked me to tell you something that happened the year Mia was 2 I would be hard pressed to do so without digging through iPhoto, old emails or blog post. Most days I am fine with this. Live life day by day, learn what you can and move on. Move forward if you are allowed to do so. But, some days it bugs me. I want to document it all. I wish I had been writing for the past few years. I can't believe how lazy I have been just moving through the days, weeks, months and years without a record of every funny anecdote and possibly epiphany. I realize it's quite likely, statistically probably in fact, that I will not start writing again with any frequency just because I sat down and did so on a whim in the moment. On the other hand, things feel different some how. That too may pass but I am going to keep an eye on it and see what I can do. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk with the kids, shortly after eating lunch. We had to check on our bedding at the laundromat because the dog peed on my bed and my mom's washer is too small. How's that for a reminder of what this pause of our lives looks like? Not sure I will care to dredge up many memories from these months in limbo but distance may make it all a bit rosier. We can hope. So, our of nowhere Henry proclaims that he is starving and starts this demanding, dramatic, whiny dialog about desperately wanting to eat. "Sushi. I just want sushi. Or some kind of smoked fish. Any kind of fish. No, fried fish. No, fried squid." And all I can do is laugh and wonder who in the hell this kid is and where he came from. There was no sushi to be had for several reasons and he had eaten less than 30 minus before but this went on and on for at least 10 minutes while we walked and alternated between reasoning and ignoring him. We took care of laundry business and went to the library and that was the end of that. I didn't hear a word about fish or any other food for at least a few hours until dinner. In fact, I don't think he wanted to eat dinner. Silly little thing, yes, but I am struck but how important and all consuming that desire was in the moment. I took over his body and mind completely and then it was gone. It really must be hard to live with the ebb and flow of that level of passion and desire on a daily basis and maybe I can be just a little more understanding. Some days at least. I do know that I am more thankful and at peace on an average day during the last few years than I had been in very many years past and that is saying something for sure.

halloween

h: i don't want the candy fairy to come after halloween this year.
m: but she will DIE if she doesn't get candy. right, mom? RIGHT?!
me: well, that's what some people say.

That was a few weeks ago and for the record, I never said that. She got it from a parent in preschool last year I think. The whole candy fairy thing actually went off without a hitch this year. The kids were happy with their toys, which were all gleaned from basement boxes of old things from our childhoods. Mia got a my little pony unicorn, doll and awesome unicorn under a rainbow bandana from the 80s and Henry got a slinky, light up yoyo and a light up up fan we confiscated from him several years ago. I was prepared to say that the candy fairy must have known he missed his old one but he didn't even remember it. Quite surprising considering the things he remembers from when he was absolutely tiny but I can't complain. I still don't like these sort of fabrications completely but it sure beats two kids hopped up on five pounds of cheap candy over the course of days and weeks.

feeling the after shocks

We should have gone all in on the candy fairy deal but I fear we dragged our feet for too long. It's hard to realize that seemingly rational kids are not rational at all and believe in all manner of strangeness and magic. They really are looking to us for direction and to set the rules. Sometimes I get it and other times I simply forget and remind myself to be more diligent the next time. This cryptic entry would make much more sense with an adorable Halloween photo but I have yet to sort through what's on my camera and it's way past my bedtime. Maybe tomorrow.

pause

My dear Henry,
A couple of weeks ago you turned 6. Historically I have made a point to put you to bed on your birthday (well, I always put you to bed but I especially try to be patient and make a longer event of it) and then sit down to write about you at that moment. This year we were in Montana and dealing with a lot of variables, some fun and others less fun. We celebrated your day for sure (you are still not thrilled that a party hasn't yet materialized this year) but I just haven't had it in me to sit down and write much. It's been an interesting summer so far of travel and camps and real camping and playing outside all day. I took some time off from work this month and while it hardly seemed like enough I got to spend more time focusing on you and Mia and remembering these days and ages and stories and jokes. For that alone it was totally worth it.

Last night you wanted to fall asleep in our bed and I came in to lay with you for awhile. We chatted about things that make us sad and I was reminded how similar you are to me as a child and even now. We are emotionally sensitive and not always sure how to process it. We have to be very careful with what we expose you to and help you make sense of it all. Thankfully I think I can do that for you, with you. We also laughed and talked about exciting things to come. It was the pleasant sweet moment I have been waiting for for weeks.

I left for a few minutes and told you I would return. You were so drowsy it would have been easy for me to go on with the evening clean up but I kept my word and came back. You were half asleep and said you were just wondering when I was going to come back and if I had forgotten. I told you that I would never forget you or the promises I make to you and you looked me in the eyes and nodded solemnly. We talked for a few more minutes before you finally fell asleep. Bedtime has not often been fun in our house but I am so thankful to have these precious little moments to help erase the whining and frustration and tears. The dishes can wait. I will always be here. I will always come back. Happy birthday, baby. Six is going to be a good year, I just know it.

mother's day

I had a lovely day today by the way. Sleeping in, hugs and kisses, the farmer's market, grocery store, eating in the sun, working in the yard, cooking a fancy but simple dinner (scallops w/creamy tarragon onion sauce, baby turnips and almond chocolate cookies), crossword puzzles, lazy evening. Tonight Jason hugged as we came in from the yard.
J: I'm glad you're the mother of my children. I'm glad we have kids together. I love you and don't want you to feel under appreciated.
Me: I'm just over worked, not under appreciated.
J: Damn! It's a easier for me to appreciate you than do more work.
Me: Yep. A little less talk and a little more action please.

Things are good and they are getting better over the years in terms of me feeling like I don't have to do more than my share around the house and with kids. Much of it has to do with my expectations. Well, some of it. I'll take all of the appreciation and action I can get but I'm happy with what I have.

happy birthday, big girl

Dear Mia,
Today is your birthday but we did most of our celebrating yesterday at your party and throughout the day with your grandparents. We are all sick and tired but managed to have a nice day and I was so happy to lay with you and listen to you chatter before you fell asleep tonight. My big three-year-old girl. You have so many questions and observations and recollections I wish I could write them all down. This week you looked out the window and saw the boy across the street spraying water on the lawn and exclaimed, “hey that’s a big spraying mantis!” A few days later when Jessica came to take care of you and told you about Tony’s fender bender, you asked a few minutes later why he had a “thunder bunder.” The best word to describe your personality is intense with a capital “I.” You get so angry that you just stand with your mouth as wide as it will open and yell for the world to hear and yesterday you got hurt and declared that you were “angry at the whole world.” On the other hand you are incredibly cuddly and loving. I can’t imagine many kids your age give as tight of hugs as you do. You hold on with your whole body and don’t let go. I love it more than you can imagine. Sometimes when our faces are close to each other you take my cheeks in your hands and pat them and make your eyes maniacally wide and grin and say “hi mom.” I hope you always have the ability to melt my heart like this. I worry some days about the inevitable challenges that mothers and daughters seem to have and desperately hope we can avoid it even though I don’t know if that’s possible. I have seen it a few times so I know it can happen and I just hope we can figure it out. I feel like I understand you so well right now that maybe, just maybe, that understanding and connection will persevere. No matter how our interactions and relationship changes over time I know that I will always love you more than you can imagine.

This year you mastered riding a tricycle and are close to moving from your balance bike to a real bike. You are strong and coordinated and loving your recent community center gymnastics class. Having Henry to follow is a big part of it but your are both naturally comfortable and in control of your bodies most of the time. Speaking of which, thank you for potty training yourself well over a year ago. When I see other 3-year-olds still in diapers I am very thankful for your tenacity and commitment to the potty at such an early age and thankful that we haven’t had to deal with diapers for so long.

You and Henry have your ups and downs. You immediately want to be with the other first thing in the morning, which isn’t hard since you share a room but inevitably one of you wakes the other up too early. Some days you play beautifully together for hours and some days you aggravate each other more than anything. Often it is a mix but really you do love each other and both care more about telling each other about the events of your days than you do telling your daddy or me. We are all very fortunate to have each other and this isn’t lost on me very often. I could have done without the recent weeks of early spring illness but otherwise our lives are pretty great most days. You wake up smiling and happy and usually fall asleep the same way. Really, I couldn’t ask for anything else.

easter

Given that it's stormy and cold and not at all lovely we have been inside for the last couple of days. Easter was no exception but the whole affair (focused on a breaking and entering rabbit much more than anyone rising from the dead) turned out to be pretty fun. Jason and I went a little nuts with craft projects for the kids and turned the egg hunt into a scavenger hunt form one egg to the next with little pictures. My parents came over for brunch and we probably made the kids wait too long but I was hell bent on them eating a good meal before getting into their "natural" jelly beans in the eggs. We also we not clear enough about the whole easter bunny thing in terms of what he did and didn't do and Henry, alway the practical one, had dozens of questions about how a bunny could do anything but he clearly wants to believe so I was, as usual, noncommittal and vague and we'll let that go one more year. Mia on the other hand is still waiting for this mystical bunny because she wants to "chase him around the house" and can't imagine anything more fun or how things could possibly work any other way.

year in review

Well, this isn't really a review but some year-end-analysis-type-thoughts have been kicking around my brain for the last few days. It was a hard year. There was a lot of illness (like J was sick for 9-months and is still not quite over it) and Henry started a new school with many bumps along the way. I have had extra responsibilities at work and don't feel like I have been holding up super well. It was also a good year. Despite the rough patches and lack of sleep (still!!), we got a lot done and had some fun too. We did home improvements, including garden boxes on the side of the house for more food growing and completely re-working our old office to move the kids into it, took more trips than usual, had more visitors than usual, cooked a lot and amassed some lovely memories with our amazing kids.

I was feeling really good and optimistic when I meant to write this last week but going back to work and school today, after a rough, anxious night's sleep, really smacked me down. Things are super hectic at work and all I really want to do is sleep. Really, I am fine (this is my mantra, right?) and having a moment of adjustment here but taking so much unscheduled time off over the last couple of weeks did less to rejuvenate me and more to make me question what in the hell I think I am doing with my life. Taking care of kids and a house day in and out is hard for sure but I get it. I can do it. I'm pretty good at it. Throwing the constant call of work responsibilities and multi-tasking and imminent deadlines on top of it just sucks right now. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. At least not doing all of it well and no matter how much I plan I simply can't devote the time and attention to food, the house and my family that I really want to. And that, may or may not be something I can change. I have these stuck moments every once in awhile (probably mostly in the winter but not every year by any means) and it's always a curious thing, deciding whether I am going to change my life or simply my outlook and if either is really possible.

happy thanksgiving!

We just got back from my parents' house after a good dinner and some hanging around. The kids are still there, which makes it nice and quiet and easy here. I am definitely thankful for that. We asked the kids what they are thankful for and this morning Henry repeated something we had read in a book about being thankful to bees for honey and trees for apples but when I asked at dinner tonight what his favorite thing is lately he said with a straight face and not an ounce of sarcasm, "for a wonderful mother like you." If he were a year older or maybe a different kid it could have been a completely canned response that he thought we expected but it wasn't and I loved it. Mia would like the world to know that she is thankful for pumpkin pie. Fair enough. I am focusing on how easy my life really is and how surrounded I am by funny, thoughtful and sweet people. For that I am very thankful.

10 years

Because I am still sick and tired, I will go with more photos. It has actually been a nice excuse to look through some old photos. As of recently I have my screensaver set up to cycle randomly through the 9,136 (holy shit, who needs that many photos!?) photos in my iphoto library so the kids get fixated on old shots of themselves and glimpses into our lives before them and people they have hardly met. Today I am pulling a few of the only photos we took on our 10-year (13 together) anniversary weekend away in September. It takes me about that long (a couple of months) to be able to see photos, of myself particularly, for what they are and not fixate on the unsightly bits. So, there you have it. I would post wedding shots or something older for comparison but those were from the days of print and I haven't scanned anything, which also means that the almost 10,000 digital photos represent only 7 years. We definitely look a lot older but still pretty happy overall.

more treats than tricks

I just had a brief moment in which I wondered if my login would still work. It does. I'm back! I can't resist the annual NaBloPoMo so I'm at it every day of November and hoping that I can keep up the momentum. I have missed posting and not missed it. More on that in one of the next 29 days. For now, we have some Halloween shots. Mia decided she wanted to be a butterfly over a month ago and stuck with it she was also amazing about the wings and the "sometimes a little bit pokey" antennae headband. I can hardly believe this kid is only 2-and-a-half. It was a day of multiple costumes and much activity. They both held up amazingly well and had a great time trick-or-treating. The lovely, dry weather helped. It was so nice that when we got home we all hung out on the porch handing out candy, which had a double bonus of keeping the dog calm and from insane barking since no one needed to ring the bell. Bedtime wasn't super smooth but once the lights were out they didn't move or make a peep, which is unheard of. Perhaps it was the late bedtime or the sugar or the glowing green glo sticks clutched under the blankets. Sadly this didn't prevent them from waking up at 5am (4am thanks to the end of daylight savings. Aaaaahhh.). As usual, I am exhausted.

happy father's day

I wanted to catch a quick photo of the kids holding the sign this morning while we let Jason sleep in so we could make it his computer desktop image for a cheesy little surprise- right up his ally. But, they were less than interested in working with me on one decent shot so instead Jason got a 10 shot screensaver of our little photo shoot. This was the first of several small things we did to make the day just a bit out of the ordinary and hopefully more fun for the father of this house.

focusing on the ending, looking toward a new beginning

Since I am not out celebrating, or doing much of anything on this last evening of 2008, I feel that I should be doing some sort of year in review. It goes something like this. 2008 was hard and tiring. I didn't feel as good as I wanted to and I didn't behave as well as I would like to have. Despite all of this I am blessed with a life that is much harder in my head than in reality. In fact, my life is quite nice and lovely in many ways. I think I did a good job of recognizing this frequently but sleep deprivation and stress and frustration on many levels made for many fewer truly happy moments than there could have been in the last year. I hit bottom and I am thankful that I can see it safely behind me at the moment.

Given the relative state of the world, I have things very easy and am incredibly thankful for my kids, husband, parents and in-laws, nanny, boss/co-workers and friends. I have a lot of flexibility in my weeks and days and am starting to appreciate that for what it is. Work looks good for 2009, challenging but exciting. Family has been rough around the edges but I am feeling a renewed sense of love and hopefulness about the future. I am moving forward with compassion and determination to make life more fun, easier, more peaceful, for myself and those around me. I have high hopes for each day. Happy 2009.

handmade

I started out the Christmas season as it were with an optimistic list of crafts. I finished most of them but it was a real crunch when I got a nasty cold a week before Christmas that lingered until Christmas Eve. I barely finished the many soft trees in time to give some away and have a small forest of my own to display.

I had high hopes for garland made out of felted wool balls but even though I started this one over a month in advance, the red roving was a huge pain in the ass and I ran out of steam. Now I have a nice big pile of little felt balls to put aside for completion next year.

We didn't buy many presents for the kids since they don't really need much and we knew our parents would be giving them some toys. I did make them each big felt balls and a set of beanbags for Henry. Hell, the chocolate coins in their stockings probably would have been good enough.

We did have a moment of concern when we realized that we were practically snowed in and there was a chance that my parents wouldn't make it and neither would the gifts from Jason's parents. I wasn't at all worried by the small number of gifts but at Henry's increasing questions about Santa Claus. I never planned on doing the Santa thing. I don't feel right lying to him but as time has passed I feel like an even bigger jerk for robbing him of this idea that excites him so much. So, I mostly evade the questions and casually ask how he thinks it works. He has his theories, particularly about our lack of a chimney. So, getting to the point, on Christmas morning he excitedly announced that Santa had brought him beanbags. He is seriously logical and aware for a 4-year-old so it surprised me when he gleefully announced that the beanbags Santa brought were in the same fabric as my trees. Uh, the fabric he had helped pick out a month before. Hmmm. I still find it surprising but he is too young and transparent to be playing along. He believes and as much as I hesitate on the whole issue his joy really is lovely.

escape

With all of the snow and all of the illness (mostly run-of-the-mill but lingering colds) in our house we have hardly left the premises in weeks. It has had its nice moments and its not so nice moments. The kids got a little nuts, Jason got stir crazy and I was feeling really worn out. Thank god our nanny made it over most days so I could actually work and work on the little crafts and stuff I planned for the kids for Christmas. Handmade does have a downside. I am once again reminded how lucky I am to be able to work from home when needed. Also thankfully, I felt fine by Christmas day but Jason has since relapsed. It's been more than a bit rough. Today though I left the house multiple times (all with kids) and saw people and went to the grocery store and had fun. It was nice. I needed to get out more than I realized and am feeling better. However, it feels like it has been weeks since I have worked and going into the office, even though it's just for 3 days this week will be strange and likely be really tough for the kids, particularly Mia who has been attached to me whenever she possibly can.

Christmas was nice and I will post photos of my handmade gifts and projects soon. I hope life is lovely for you these days.

30 days

Well, posting every day for 30 days wasn't so hard but not something I feel I should continue. I think about 50% of my posts were the sort of thing I would post regularly, another 25% were forced but worthwhile and the rest were filler. Nonetheless, it was satisfying and now I just have to figure out how to keep up some momentum. Not having comments is a little weird but still for the best for now.

The last few days have been nice. Weekends lately have actually been sort of tough with too many things to do and non-stop kids on hand. I feel sad sayign that but it's true. They aren't bad but just hectic and somewhat unsatisfying for Jason and me and probably the kids, although they seem to love spending time with us no matter what. Go figure. So, I wasn't sure how 4-days off in a row would be. Without really planning ti we struck a nice balance of family time, friend time, time alone (each adult) and adult time alone together. We got a fair amount done project and cleaning-wise and cooked a bunch and got a decent amount down time to relax and enjoy the kids and each other. Just really nice.

Today we drove 40 minutes out of town to the tree farm we have been visiting for 4 years. The family is charming,t he trees are very nice and well-priced, and the view is beautiful. Every single year I contemplate the whole tree cutting down business but now that Henry is so enthusiastic about the whole process I have a feeling we will be keeping the tradition. he was thrilled about ornaments! ornaments! and we got the tree mostly decorated this afternoon. Mia, of course, has no value for ornaments hanging on the tree, out of her little hands and mouth. It is going to be a challenge but we left off a lot of the glass ornaments this year and hung the less fragile stuff toward the bottom. In addition to her frequent ornament displacement, Henry is a terrible ornament clumper so, once again, I have to give up my perfectionist tendencies, and really, I'm okay with that.

Henry had such a great time leading Mia by the hand to show her all of the trees. So cute.

thankful

I have more things to be thankful for than I can count but right now I am feeling particularly good that we all seem to have turned a corner around here. As vague as it is, I just feel like things are a little saner and easier and more fun than they have been in a long time. I feel calmer and more able to deal with the chaos around me. The kids are great and Jason and I are back on the same page again. A big part of everyone's sanity around here hinges on my ability to cope and it seems to be working pretty well at the moment. Vague, yes, but palpable nonetheless and I really am so very thankful.

angels in disguise

the faintest of memories

This weekend started out really rough after Halloween on Friday. Henry really eats very little sugar in real life and when he does it's not processed,colored, chemical crap. Also, I think just the promise of more candy in his future made him unstable. He was so unhinged for most of Saturday that we hardly got anything done. Next year I am throwing a party or something. They loved the trick-or-treating and dressing up but the hangover was a bitch. In any case, I had hoped to finally clean and organize to a serious degree but we didn't get very far. We did manage to stop by a day of the dead party in the early evening and the kids behaved beautifully (the 4-year-olds roved in a pack, dressed as knights and superheroes from the host's costume stash). I chatted with friends and met some new people and felt like a social adult for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Today was better all around. The candy had been disposed of and everyone was much more even-tempered. I actually had decent energy and cleaned and organized and read books with Henry and cooked and briefly raked leaves (until it started to downpour). Jason made a great roast and we had a couple with two kids over whom we haven't seen since the middle of summer. They brought more great food and everything went off without a hitch. Totally pleasant and easy. Now the kids are asleep and my house is cleaner than it has been in a very long time. I do have to work a bit now and I'm not feeling great about the Monday morning routine ahead but I don't feel too bad about anything either. I shouldn't get ahead of myself but I am feeling more balanced and more like myself than I have in a long time. I have had many good moments intermingled with the rough ones lately but something about this feel more real, more normal, not like a swing. For that I will hold much hope.

No matter what, I always have the cuteness to keep me from going too far afield:

permanently grounded

We’re home! We’re alive and well. Actually, we ARE all pretty well for once. A whole week after Henry and I were sick, Jason woke up with the stomach bug at 5:30 in the morning on the day we flew to California. Picture him with a barf bag in hand, sweating profusely, while Henry barraged him with questions and me with a squirming, exhausted, screaming baby, all on a very small airplane. Needless to say, we are not traveling for at least 4 more years. Seriously. It really wasn’t all that bad considering but the visit with Jason’s family was tiring and we were insanely relieved to get home. The baby is now a breast feeding maniac and sleeping worth shit and Henry is all kinds of aggressive and annoyed lately but other than that we are good. And, really, I mean that. I am feeling optimistic and pretty grounded through the sleepless fog at the moment. I got some work done today and Jason is helping me with web projects for work, for which I am very thankful. I adore my little family despite the insanity and want to just hole up with the three of them for the foreseeable future. Of course, we would all be deranged in a matter of days but, hey, it’s a fantasy that’s not going to happen anyway. I can see things getting very busy again but am glad to have the holidays behind me. I thought I was keeping things simple but overcommitted once again with a bunch of small, hand-made projects. I plan to post some photos of the finished products as well as some holiday cuteness. I do have a few Henry stories saved up as well. Soon, I promise!