year in review

Well, this isn't really a review but some year-end-analysis-type-thoughts have been kicking around my brain for the last few days. It was a hard year. There was a lot of illness (like J was sick for 9-months and is still not quite over it) and Henry started a new school with many bumps along the way. I have had extra responsibilities at work and don't feel like I have been holding up super well. It was also a good year. Despite the rough patches and lack of sleep (still!!), we got a lot done and had some fun too. We did home improvements, including garden boxes on the side of the house for more food growing and completely re-working our old office to move the kids into it, took more trips than usual, had more visitors than usual, cooked a lot and amassed some lovely memories with our amazing kids.

I was feeling really good and optimistic when I meant to write this last week but going back to work and school today, after a rough, anxious night's sleep, really smacked me down. Things are super hectic at work and all I really want to do is sleep. Really, I am fine (this is my mantra, right?) and having a moment of adjustment here but taking so much unscheduled time off over the last couple of weeks did less to rejuvenate me and more to make me question what in the hell I think I am doing with my life. Taking care of kids and a house day in and out is hard for sure but I get it. I can do it. I'm pretty good at it. Throwing the constant call of work responsibilities and multi-tasking and imminent deadlines on top of it just sucks right now. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. At least not doing all of it well and no matter how much I plan I simply can't devote the time and attention to food, the house and my family that I really want to. And that, may or may not be something I can change. I have these stuck moments every once in awhile (probably mostly in the winter but not every year by any means) and it's always a curious thing, deciding whether I am going to change my life or simply my outlook and if either is really possible.