king of the miniature play structure

The heat hasn't seemed to bother him a bit. If only clothing optional worked for adults. Well, not really.

a few things on my mind

For one, I hate our publisher so much I could die or kill or die. I hate being angry and indignant and not able to do anything about it. No zen-like detachment for me today. But seriously these people are (supposed to be) professionals and they are acting anything but professional. They are the right distributor for the book but they are practically incompetent at communication and setting clear expectations and not being fucking retarded all the time! Fuck.

In other work related news, I am actually pretty caught up and happy with things and ready to get ready to leave town. That is if the fucking publisher would stop sending me a barrage of emails (while being unavailable for a phone call) demanding a huge number of edits (ours and mostly things they missed) be done by the end of the week when I leave tomorrow and this is the first I have heard of it. Ok, so that wasn’t really other news.

In only somewhat related news, it has taken me a few weeks shy of two years but I am finally employing babysitters to great ends. I guess up until now I felt like I couldn’t deal with hiring people (so far, one is a neighbor and the other is a friend’s daughter) and couldn’t afford it and should/didn’t need help. How wrong was I? Very wrong. I simply can’t believe how much I can get done (mostly work so far) in a few hours and how motivated I am to do so when I’m paying someone for the time. Henry loves the girls, especially K, the friend’s daughter, and has been crying when we drop her off. Then again, he has only done that when I have left maybe 4 times in his life. Should I be worried? Probably not.

Having a little help around here is taking a major load off and I am so relieved. It also means that Jason can work 5 days instead of 4 which pencils out quite well in the dollars department, but I am seeing him a bit less, but I am so happy to have Henry help that I don’t even mind! Neurotic, over-planning me is already seeing the end of this though when the girls go back to school in the fall. I am going to have to come up with a new solution but I will try not to dwell on it until then. I am over the hump. I can let someone take care of my child. Now I can do anything!

I’ve been thinking more about work and childcare and staying at home and working at home and feminism and the big picture more lately. I have done some interesting reading on motherhood over the years but have kept my distance from the discussion and wasn’t sure why. I think I finally realized that I just haven’t known quite where I fit in the whole scheme of things. Some days I think of myself as a working mom (out of the house for $, duh, all mom’s are really working moms), some days as a stay at home mom, and others as a work at home mom. The reality is that it depends on the day. Yes, I am always employed but sometimes my hours are so flexible and job seems so secondary that it feels like lifetimes away. Underneath it all, since I got pregnant I have been wishing I didn’t have to work for $ (at least at this job) and have been resenting my job. After a good meeting a few weeks ago though, I realized that there is a certain level of satisfaction and excitement that I get from working creatively and accomplishing goals that I just don’t get at home. On the other hand, there is a peace and happiness that I get spending time with/taking care of Henry that I don’t get elsewhere. I guess for now I just need to work on balancing the two and being ok with the fact that I can’t devote myself completely to either and still have no idea where I fall in terms of any sort of motherhood/career/feminism/societal good debate.

So the next 18 hours are looking even more insane than when I started this post from a work standpoint. One intense conference call and a few desperate messages to the graphic designer and I am no closer to a solution. At least now we are sort of on the same page. I do know that in 24 hours I will be board a plane with my boys and Jason’s family bound for a family reunion in North Dakota. At least this vacation promises to be more relaxing than the last!

now with 20% more perspective!

I feel compelled to write that we are alive but not quite all well. Henry was fine for the travel day and the following day and then barfy again and then fine. I waited until we landed back in Portland to get icky sicky myself and then felt fine for a day and now not so fine. Weird virus. I am buried and catching up and trying to finish big projects and start new ones and get ready for our next little jaunt to the midwest next week! I feel like I need about a week of sleep and it not going to happen. I am taking it slow at the moment though and, damn, it is so good to be home. I have about a million possible posts following the very intense grandmother visit but I may just push it all to the deep recesses of my mind and try to forget for now. I learned some good life lessons but I’m not sure I am ready to process them all at the moment. We’ll see. She did love Henry and was very grateful to see him and have our help. Henry loved the airplane travel and was a perfect passenger. So, really, I think it was all worth it. Just don’t let me try that particular trip again anytime soon.

what next?

Ok, so tomorrow we’re supposed to get up at 5 in the morning, schlep a bunch of crap (including a car seat and travel crib, and oh yeah, a kid) to the bus, take the bus to the MAX, take the MAX to the airport, check in at the airport, board a prop plane and ride to another airport, get off the plane and wait and then get on another prop plane and ride to another airport, at which point we are supposed to rent a car and drive an hour to my grandma’s house. We are not done packing, the house and dog aren’t ready, and most importantly, Henry has just barfed twice in the last hour and a half (the first time in a parking lot), and now I’m not feeling so good myself. Henry is otherwise behaving as if he feels fine. Needless to say if he keeps this up or is still sick in the morning we will not be doing any of the above. This is going to be an interesting 24 hours or so regardless.

from the fray

I’m having a very annoying, frustrating work morning from home. Our publisher is fucking shit up left and right. Jason is taking care of Henry, which is working pretty well except for when he (Henry) was yelling something about a baby at me repeatedly during my conference call. A fairly typical Monday morning. Then Jason looks out the office window at our fig tree and says there’s one fig on it. I mumble, “ oh good” over my email. Then he says, “Don't expect it to be there for long. We need to put something on the tree that squirrels don’t like. Like wolf pee.” Maybe it’s just my mental state right now but the whole image it conjured up cracked me up to the point that I still have tears running down my face. Now we’re going to get some pastries. They will help me work better, really they will. Sometimes working from home isn't so bad at all.

reality break

In about a week my little family of three is headed off to western Montana for Henry to meet his great grandmother (the second of three for him) and for her to meet him. Part of me isn’t looking forward to it much at all. The travel will be fairly short but schedules always get screwed up. My grandma isn’t in the best health and she is very set in her daily routine. I fear she will be happy to have us for about two hours. We will mostly be doing helpful things for her for the duration. We are paying for this, taking vacation time, and hiring a dog sitter, and, and, and for a trip that has little appeal.

In an effort to psych myself up for it and rationalize it, I have come up with a silver lining. It may not be a real break in many ways but it is a break from my daily life and man do I need one. More important though is that lately I spend about two minutes of quality time a day of any sort with my husband if we’re lucky. We are both working a lot. I want to say too much but how the hell does anyone get by and not work a fair amount? Life has been hectic and sleep has been short. Planning this and other travel this month is stressing me out and now Jason is sick. Patience and tempers are short around here.

When our little microcosm gets intense we take it out on each other but when we are out of our comfort zone it’s us against the world. Travel, and in particular family “vacations,” have always given us the opportunity to reconnect with each other if only to desperately distance ourselves from the craziness. We’re not that bad right? We are different! We are different together! It suits us. So, that’s my silver lining. I have no doubt that I will have much to say and probably a totally different take on it when we get back but that’s my story for now. If only we could all get some sleep this little trip might actually look a little bit fun.

no fun at all

The poor kid can’t catch a break. Me from this afternoon and evening:

Stop chasing the dog with a fork.

Stop chasing the dog with the broom.

Stop chasing the dog with the vacuum.

Don’t poke me.

Don’t drop crumbs on the floor on purpose.

Don’t kick me while I’m changing you.

Don't throw playdoh.

Don’t climb on the table.

Stop taking a beet out of the bowl and eating half and then putting it back and getting another one and eating half of it.

Stop trying to drink water off the floor of the shower.

Damn it, stop eating soap bubbles off the floor of the shower.

And those are just the ones I can recall off the top of my head. We did have a good day overall and I’m not complaining but sometimes I feel like a major buzz kill around here.

much too much

It finally happened. I foolishly thought it would never happen. Not to me. But today was the day that for the first time in his almost 23 months that Henry was just too much for me. I seriously wanted to give the kid away to anyone who would take him and fast. The day’s antics aren’t even worth repeating they are so numerous and varied but by about 2pm I had had enough. The two of us have had too many days alone together lately and Jason working much of the weekend put me over the edge. Thankfully we survived until he got home and I all of a sudden I felt much better. I didn’t even have to leave or make them leave as I had been imagining for hours. I never thought I would feel this way but I am actually thankful that I have all day tomorrow to work. What has become of me?