now 5

Right now I am sicker than anyone of hearing how tired I am. But seriously universe, what the fuck? Both kids got up last night and the dog had to go out 5 times in a 1.5-hour period and then still barfed under the bed at 6am.. This is life but the last 2 weeks have been so miserable in the sleep department that right now I don't feel like I can go on.

April fools indeed or maybe it's Mercury in retrograde?

Things, they are better and worse. We are healthy and fine but our dishwasher is dead (3-months old), as of this morning our oil tank in the basement is leaking (again!), Jason's car is threatening to fall apart for good and we just started new child care arrangements that are literally different every single day of the week. First world problems I suppose though I may be going insane. But, probably not. However I have been having crazy, angry nightmares for days as well. On the plus side, the sun is shining, I am working from home in my pajamas (I do have some deadlines today), kids have been sort of sleeping in since daylight savings time started, and I finished our taxes this week. It will all be fine. It is all fine. I think breakfast and a shower will help immensely in convincing me of that. To be continued...maybe every day this month. Lucky you. Happy April!

the same

So much illness. So little sleep. The kids went to the doctor and probably don't have anything warranting antibiotics but we're not sure. We'll wait it out for a few days but, God, I really don't think I can do another night like last night, or the previous 7 for that matter. I have also been dealing with our fucking work email not working all day and 12 emails w/tech support who are clearly fucking incompetent in this matter. Now they want info from the office, which they don't actually need and aren't going to get over the weekend. If this isn't fixed fast we may be looking at a provider switch and, man, I don't want to deal with that as much as I don't want to deal with this tech support. I need to get kids out of the bath now who are calling for me like sad cats, sad and whiny cats with laryngitis.

trudging on

Only a couple of days in and I already missed a day. I remembered it last night laying in bed with a sick Mia who had finally given up kicking and screaming and was sleeping holding two of my fingers in her warm little hand. I couldn't and didn't dare pull myself away. It has been a hell of a few days of sick kids and very little sleep. Mia has been a demon all night, kicking and screaming and fighting in between little naps of an hour or less. I feel more delirious and crazy than I did with newborns, mostly I suppose because it is so unexpected. She seems better tonight but Henry is coughing so hard he can hardly breathe so I have little hope of a decent night. So it goes. More soon when sleep and a little sanity return.

bad times

Bedtime makes me want to kick a hole in something, eat a chocolate cake, and take drugs, not necessarily in that order. Almost every night. Seriously, we have to be doing something wrong here. This cannot be normal. It cannot be this hard for most children to fall asleep without screaming, whining, crying, demanding, begging and fighting to name a few. I'm sure it won't last but I have no idea what to do to get us through. My crying babies were frustrating but they never made me angry. This business with an almost-3-year-old and 5-and-a-half year old, it makes me angry.

year in review

Well, this isn't really a review but some year-end-analysis-type-thoughts have been kicking around my brain for the last few days. It was a hard year. There was a lot of illness (like J was sick for 9-months and is still not quite over it) and Henry started a new school with many bumps along the way. I have had extra responsibilities at work and don't feel like I have been holding up super well. It was also a good year. Despite the rough patches and lack of sleep (still!!), we got a lot done and had some fun too. We did home improvements, including garden boxes on the side of the house for more food growing and completely re-working our old office to move the kids into it, took more trips than usual, had more visitors than usual, cooked a lot and amassed some lovely memories with our amazing kids.

I was feeling really good and optimistic when I meant to write this last week but going back to work and school today, after a rough, anxious night's sleep, really smacked me down. Things are super hectic at work and all I really want to do is sleep. Really, I am fine (this is my mantra, right?) and having a moment of adjustment here but taking so much unscheduled time off over the last couple of weeks did less to rejuvenate me and more to make me question what in the hell I think I am doing with my life. Taking care of kids and a house day in and out is hard for sure but I get it. I can do it. I'm pretty good at it. Throwing the constant call of work responsibilities and multi-tasking and imminent deadlines on top of it just sucks right now. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. At least not doing all of it well and no matter how much I plan I simply can't devote the time and attention to food, the house and my family that I really want to. And that, may or may not be something I can change. I have these stuck moments every once in awhile (probably mostly in the winter but not every year by any means) and it's always a curious thing, deciding whether I am going to change my life or simply my outlook and if either is really possible.

ug

I spent the whole day in bed. It was clean and quiet and I spent the day alone. Sadly it was completely wasted with nausea, pain and vomiting. I think it's over now but it's unbelievable how we just seem to be jumping from one unpleasant interruption to another.

much too much

One of those days (following one of those nights) that no one wants to hear about and I can't bear to write about. Everyone is fine I think but very tired and strung out. Hopeful for a decent night's sleep and a better day tomorrow. Time will tell.

slow road

Still fighting this cold and we had a horrendously bad night last night full of nightmares and other childhood issues that had me and both kids up for much of the night between 12 and 4am. Amazingly I had enough energy and brain power to get Henry out the door, do some needed work, pick him up, work a little more, clean up a bit, get a short massage (at home- I can't say how great it is to have a massage therapist with free time in the family), contribute to dinner and bed, do dishes, do a tiny bit more work, and watch some mediocre tv. That is it. I am off to sleep, desperate for an uninterrupted night. We'll see.

under the weather

In a rare twist, I am the only one sick in this house. You would think that's a reasonable configuration but not so much. It's nothing major so far, just a cold with some isolated symptoms and a lot of fatigue. I did get to rest much of the day, if you can call it that. I didn't have to do much but nothing much got done and it all happened at high volumes so it feels like a bit of a waste. I guess moms can't really get a day off in any case. I'm off to sleep off what I can and hope for a little better day tomorrow.

saturday morning

How sad is it that in my mid-30s chocolate can apparently produce the hangover that tequila could a decade ago. Sucks. I suppose it's worth noting that the munchkins each got me up in the middle of the night, but, really, it's gonna be like this?

ug

The kids will. not. go. to. sleep. This is nothing new but they are literally (yes, I do mean literally) bouncing off of the walls in the next room. I am tired. All of this bullshit with my parents got umpteen times more dramatic when they both started sending me over the top emails last night. I talked to my dad today and we are going to have a meeting soon. I don't know. I don't want to make everyone's lives difficult and sad. I just want a break from crappy, emotionally-wrenching patterns. Really, I don't think that's too much to ask. A good friend just found out she's having a miscarriage today. Seriously, I think I know more people who have had miscarriages than haven't. It sucks. She is awesomely grounded and will be fine (as have been all of my other friends) but it still sucks. Jason hasn't had much work lately. Bad timing considering previously free childcare being up in the air. We are nowhere near having our taxes done and I can't shake the nagging feeling of deadlines and work yet undone. Just ug.

processing

See? If I don't have a self-imposed rule in place I just don't write here. Also, things have been good lately, fine. As should be obvious, I tend to write more while I'm going through things. Actually, that might not be obvious. I have no real sense of a cohesive whole here. Just bits and pieces of days, thoughts, stories, working out issues. Complaining I guess. That's something I have always done in abundance but felt slightly bad about but not been able to stop. Maybe it's who I am and I just need to suck it up and accept that I am a complainer. But, I don't have a whole lot to complain about at the moment. Or, at least I didn't until last night.

I simply can't get into it here now but I will say that when my sister left all fo us behind 6 years ago I am certian she did the right thing. I have come to some realizations about my relationship with my parents that I don't think will ever change. I'm sure lots of people have family issues but mine are currently complicated by the fact that my mom comes to my house twice a week to take care of the kids, which makes getting some distance more complicated. I think I am moments from sending her an email (after last night's conversation there's no way I can be civil right now) canceling our childcare arrangement. I don't have a fallback in place and working less (for me or Jason) is not an option. My job can be flexible and my boss is understanding and I am going to play things by ear for a bit, but still, this is scary. It sucks emotionally and financially but it has to be done. So, in process indeed. We'll see how the cards fall...

crazy

I am feeling totally off and weirded out because an insane neighbor from the street behind us came over and literally started screaming at me on my front porch. Never mind that I was holding Mia and my friend was just leaving and trapped by her on the porch. First she sped around the corner, parked her car and walked down our driveway to the back yard like she owned the place before stomping up to my front door. She ranted and raved about our dog barking and how we have to train her or have her debarked because she sounds like she's from the pit of hell. I am actually laughing a bit now as I put that last bit in writing, which is a welcome relief.

Yes, my dog barks but she is outside for very short periods of the day and if she gets too hyped up we bring her in. She is a beagle and she sniffs and bays. Really though, she sleeps the vast majority of the day and is in bed for the night by 8pm. This neighborhood is full of dogs, many of whom bark much more frequently. I have had my own issues with the constantly yapping little dogs that live 5 feet from the head of our bed but I had a respectful conversation with our neighbor and we worked some things out. I would have been happy to have a civil conversation with the woman but when I asked her to calm down and talk she yelled "NO!"

I am actually quite accommodating and often do more than I should to make other people happy. If she had given me half a chance I would have probably committed to doing more than was reasonable to make her life easier. Instead, she threw out a bunch of lies about how we leave dee dee outside when we leave (never, ever!) and the like and when I calmly tried to explain reality to her she just yelled that I was lying. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, we have good relationships with everyone on our street and the neighbors who were out across the street, with their little kids and Henry who heard all of this, said they almost called the police.

I did call the police, after the fact. I just wanted to see what I should do to document the incident incase it escalates. His first question was "did you close the door?" No, I tried to engage her for far too long. He recommended just closing the door and said "that's the beauty of living in the United States, you don't have to deal with crazy people at your door." Hmmm. I hadn't thought of it like that but, okay. I looked into the animal control (her threat) rules, which I already knew from my own previous research, and there is no way in hell we are in violation. The nut also kept yelling about how she had come to talk to me a year ago, when really, she and her (stinking) drunk boyfriend came over and walked into our back gate (6+ foot fence) and started slurring about all of the dog barking. At the time our next door neighbor's dog did bark a lot when left home alone and we thought they were just mixed up and crazy.

Now I think she is just crazy and crazy and I am a little nervous she is going to do something scary. Someone who goes up to a stranger's house and just yells for 10 minutes straight without even an interest in a discussion is unstable and not someone I ever want to see again. Unfortunately, I can see her house from here. The thing that really pisses me off is how crappy I now feel and that Henry keeps asking me "why that lady came over and yelled at you."

much too much

I'm too sick and tired to write much and I've already stayed up way too late watching unimportant tv shows. Another one of those things you never think about before having kids is the luxury to just be sick and take care of yourself. Sure, work is an issue and I used to have a few other obligations but when I needed a sick day I could take it without having to take care of the health, happiness and minute-by-minute complaints and desires of two little people. I should be used to it by now but I'm not sure I'll ever be any better at feeling crummy and attending to the needs of others to such a degree. Off to bed it is and I will sleep with my fingers crossed that no one needs me in the middle of the night and high hopes for feeling better in the morning.

and again

Another tough day of work, (sick) kids, volunteer obligations and a crappy sinus cold. I am off to bed without anything to say except that I would give anything for a decent night's sleep and to feel better in the morning. Here goes nothing.

oh, the coughing

Henry has one of his signature terrible coughs but this sounds horrible even for him. He has been coughing for almost 24 hours straight, like only minutes in between coughs at most. It's painful to hear and, I'm sure, much more painful to experience. Mia has a milder, snottier version of it. I slept only a few hours last night. My sinuses are burny, my ears throb and I forgot what it is like to feel like this much of a zombie. God, I hope we can all sleep better tonight but the last few hours of Henry tossing and turning and hacking aren't promising. I have no idea what I will do about work deadlines tomorrow.

back into the swing of things

Well, not really but at least I am getting some perspective. It has been a challenging few months, summer, well, year I suppose. Going back to work in the office 3 days a week (plus 2 at home) and moving the office and hiring a new person there and going through 3 nannies before one (seems to have) stuck and generally managing to keep everyone clothed, bathed, fed, and semi-happy has been a challenge for me to say the least. I have dropped a lot of things including blogging, anything social, my sanity but lately I feel like we may be emerging from the fog of stress and sleep deprivation. Years ago a friend told be that after his kids were born (a few years apart) he didn't sleep well (or all night or something similarly horrifying) for around 7 years. At the time I figured he was crazy or hyperbolic or joking or his children were truly a mess. Now, I find this completely reasonable and understand exactly what he meant, although I am only going on 5 years at this point (I slept like hell during both pregnancies so I am counting that first 9 months as well). It really is taking a toll on me mentally and physically and although I have been trying to sort it out and figure out how to take care of myself I am still looking for a better set of solutions. I'm going to try to write every day for the month at least so hopefully, for my sake, I will be shedding some light on this project to improve my sanity right quick here.

sick and oh so tired

them: whining, crying, teething, coughing, coughing, coughing, demanding, eating, waking, sniffling, producing copious amounts of snot

me: cooking, cleaning, bitching, moaning, walking, rocking, waking, feeding, comforting, slowly dying, being terribly melodramatic

it is seriously a wonder we have all survived the last 10 days without more drama and freak outs. the flu sucks and while i am very happy not to have it i am getting really sick of helping the other three members of my family get through it. i think the end is in sight. god, it better be.

slip of hand

i have very sturdy dish ware. it took at least 30 minutes to clean up and i am still finding spots the next day. the wort part though? i was really fucking hungry. although, my floor is much cleaner than it was now. ups and downs i suppose.