getting by

Mia (a month from 6): These things, cinnamon toast and a jumprope. That's all I need to survive.

thanksgiving amidst the big transition

It's been so long since I have posted that blogger looks completely different. I just had to search around to figure out how to create a post. Gah. I still write in my head almost every day. The little snippets of conversation or amazingly insane things the kids say. The things that make me happy and sad and pissed. I manage to save most of them up for Jason or my mom if she happens to be around and I'm in the mood, which isn't often, but then they slip away, perhaps to be remembered at a later time but likely not. I am forgetting entire months and years of my life it seems. Not forgetting completely I'm sure but if you asked me to tell you something that happened the year Mia was 2 I would be hard pressed to do so without digging through iPhoto, old emails or blog post. Most days I am fine with this. Live life day by day, learn what you can and move on. Move forward if you are allowed to do so. But, some days it bugs me. I want to document it all. I wish I had been writing for the past few years. I can't believe how lazy I have been just moving through the days, weeks, months and years without a record of every funny anecdote and possibly epiphany. I realize it's quite likely, statistically probably in fact, that I will not start writing again with any frequency just because I sat down and did so on a whim in the moment. On the other hand, things feel different some how. That too may pass but I am going to keep an eye on it and see what I can do. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk with the kids, shortly after eating lunch. We had to check on our bedding at the laundromat because the dog peed on my bed and my mom's washer is too small. How's that for a reminder of what this pause of our lives looks like? Not sure I will care to dredge up many memories from these months in limbo but distance may make it all a bit rosier. We can hope. So, our of nowhere Henry proclaims that he is starving and starts this demanding, dramatic, whiny dialog about desperately wanting to eat. "Sushi. I just want sushi. Or some kind of smoked fish. Any kind of fish. No, fried fish. No, fried squid." And all I can do is laugh and wonder who in the hell this kid is and where he came from. There was no sushi to be had for several reasons and he had eaten less than 30 minus before but this went on and on for at least 10 minutes while we walked and alternated between reasoning and ignoring him. We took care of laundry business and went to the library and that was the end of that. I didn't hear a word about fish or any other food for at least a few hours until dinner. In fact, I don't think he wanted to eat dinner. Silly little thing, yes, but I am struck but how important and all consuming that desire was in the moment. I took over his body and mind completely and then it was gone. It really must be hard to live with the ebb and flow of that level of passion and desire on a daily basis and maybe I can be just a little more understanding. Some days at least. I do know that I am more thankful and at peace on an average day during the last few years than I had been in very many years past and that is saying something for sure.

now 10

Right now I am acutely aware of how regularly being alone together without interruption starting at 10pm can be detrimental to one's relationship. And particularly a couple's ability to communicate.

mother's day

I had a lovely day today by the way. Sleeping in, hugs and kisses, the farmer's market, grocery store, eating in the sun, working in the yard, cooking a fancy but simple dinner (scallops w/creamy tarragon onion sauce, baby turnips and almond chocolate cookies), crossword puzzles, lazy evening. Tonight Jason hugged as we came in from the yard.
J: I'm glad you're the mother of my children. I'm glad we have kids together. I love you and don't want you to feel under appreciated.
Me: I'm just over worked, not under appreciated.
J: Damn! It's a easier for me to appreciate you than do more work.
Me: Yep. A little less talk and a little more action please.

Things are good and they are getting better over the years in terms of me feeling like I don't have to do more than my share around the house and with kids. Much of it has to do with my expectations. Well, some of it. I'll take all of the appreciation and action I can get but I'm happy with what I have.

in due time

I just realized that every little project that I want to get done will get done. It will. It's just that I still have no ability to project when. Often I can be really productive and energetic and focused for days. Things seem to all line up. I can compartmentalize and feel good about it. I can be creative or industrious or both. Then life gets in the way again and I have no idea how long it will be until I can manage much beyond the daily responsibilities of school, work, snacks, lunch, breakfast dinner, baths, bedtime, picking up, dropping off. Then I wonder how I will ever get anything done again. And then I do. Everything that matters even a little bit will get done I just have no idea when and I will be a lot better off if I can just remember that.

April fools indeed or maybe it's Mercury in retrograde?

Things, they are better and worse. We are healthy and fine but our dishwasher is dead (3-months old), as of this morning our oil tank in the basement is leaking (again!), Jason's car is threatening to fall apart for good and we just started new child care arrangements that are literally different every single day of the week. First world problems I suppose though I may be going insane. But, probably not. However I have been having crazy, angry nightmares for days as well. On the plus side, the sun is shining, I am working from home in my pajamas (I do have some deadlines today), kids have been sort of sleeping in since daylight savings time started, and I finished our taxes this week. It will all be fine. It is all fine. I think breakfast and a shower will help immensely in convincing me of that. To be continued...maybe every day this month. Lucky you. Happy April!

day 30

I have to say that 30 days of posting wasn't too tough his year but I don't feel like I turned out much of interest either. I suppose that's what a month of hectic work, two kids and several illnesses will give me. On the up side, I am feeling much more like keeping up some occasional posting instead of retreating for the hills like I have in the past. More frequent updates on whatever. I actually have a plan for a couple of regular topic-driven series of entries but I won't make any promises until I can get that started. So, I am starting yet another very busy month at work and looking forward to some time off after that. Jason's parents will be here (not staying in our little house!) for almost 2 weeks around Christmas, which is a first that will hopefully pan out well. I always say I will keep things small and easy for the holidays but already have running lists of crafts, projects and gifts, as well as home improvement projects. I'll do what I can to keep up.

dirty and not in a good way

Every few weeks or so, particularly after a tiring time with illness or what have you, I breathe a sigh of relief at being almost barely on top of shopping, cooking, feeding, bathing, vacuuming, prepping for a school and work week, scheduling appointments, managing tight cash flow, etc. All I have left in front of me is getting the kids to sleep and dong a little more food prep or cleaning for the week. Sometimes it's even after the kids are finally sleep and things are quiet that I realize the one thing I have forgotten to schedule in is a shower for myself. Showering isn't a bad thing at all and not very complicated, save for the mass of wet hair on a cold night, but I hate this realization more than almost anything. Why can't I just forget to fold the laundry or buy vegetables? Actually I do forget those things on occasion as well but it doesn't bother me nearly as much. Here I sit with soggy wet hair trying to figure out which loose end to tie up last before it all starts over again.

happy together

They have changed even since last month but this is a nice moment to remember. Henry and Mia do fight every day to some degree, sometimes quite intensely, but I am thrilled by how much they play together and have fun together and really enjoy each other's company. For awhile Mia was more interested in Henry than she was in him but these days it is often pretty mutual. he looks out for her and she makes him laugh. They boss each other around and defend each other. Watching them together is one of my favorite parts of every day.

sunday

I would consider a longer post, perhaps one about the challenges of kindergarten, but I have design work due tomorrow and it's 8pm. I went to a nice book club this afternoon and returned to two smiling kids in pajamas w/teeth brushed. So very nice. I then spent almost 2 hours getting the small one to sleep but so it goes. This was a good weekend but I really feel like I need three-day weekends on a somewhat regular basis. Around here weekends are for getting cleaned up, doing projects, cooking, having fun, relaxing, and sleeping in no particular order. On any given two-day weekend (aka most of them) we generally accomplish four of the six at most and that simply isn't enough any way you add it up.

calm

It's simply amazing what part or a day without kids can do for me. They are spending the night with my parents and left late afternoon. Jason and I cooked an early dinner together, which was quite good. It's the first time I can remember spending the evening at home doing normal things while the kids were away. Usually we eat out, see people, or do projects around the house. We watched Away We Go, which I quite enjoyed. It was perfectly odd and quirky and emotional without being wrenching or upsetting or overwhelmingly happy either. I cried multiple times but not too hard. It was touching. As surreal and strange as it all was, it felt very real. Also we liked the sound track. Two thumbs up. And, it's not even very late now. I am going to fold a few clothes and go to bed, tired and happy. Things would be perfect if we didn't have to get up and go to meetings at Henry's school, but that's life. I may not get to sleep in or clean as much as I would have hoped, but actually, things are still pretty great.

low level

The kids are still waking up between 5 and 6 am and I just barely got Mia down at 8 pm. Henry is coughing and tossing and turning although he isn't really what I consider sick. I had a very hectic day at work and didn't get things as finished as I wanted to. The dishes are dirty and there are toys everywhere. I have a huge box of organic herbs that I was so excited to get half-strewn around the living room and kitchen unpacked by kids instead of myself. The rain is pouring down. Don't even get me started on Jason's going-on-seven-month-illness and spontaneous rash that could last for up to two months. Nothing is exactly bad but nothing is particularly great either. I don't know what is going to push us over the edge to feeling better all around and I don't know how to go about finding it. I'm pretty sure that tv isn't going to help but that's all I can muster at the moment. That and crossing my fingers and hoping with all of my might for a decent night's sleep. Really, that's probably what we all need the most.

my whole self

It's only day three here and I am tired and looking for a quick post. Long day in which I may have eaten too much stashed Halloween candy. I saved a few pieces for Jason, that I may have forgotten to tell him about, and then we traded the kids a toy for their candy when the begging and whining became too much. They look so small and unassuming but when you work at home and eat one every couple of hours it can add up to some major brain fog. Oh, and then I made caramel apples tonight. An aside, honey and cream and a touch of sea salt make lovely caramel. I will be experimenting more soon.

Where was I going with this? Hard to say but Mia said something yesterday that I don't want to forget. There is way too much unfortunate language in this house and not because I can't stop swearing in front of my children. I have really reeled it in after Jason made it clear how unpleasant it was. No, it's the garden variety "stupid" with a lot of "poop" and "farts" thrown in and recently there has been a whole lot of "I hate this/that/him/her." This is one of my least favorites but I remember doing it as a kid and I could tell it bothered my mom (on an emotional level) which gave me more leverage than it should have or than I wanted. Unfortunate. In any case, I am not bothered on any fundamental level by hearing that they hate things or even me (oddly I find it kind of amusing- all of that intense emotion over the smallest bump in the road) but I do find it tiring and am concerned that they will hurt other people's feeling. Another problem is that while it is probably not uncommon for a 5-year-old to be stomping around hating things it's harder to manage a 2.5-year-old doing the same thing. And, oh how she does the same thing. In reality, they are both quite good about such things and kind around their friends/peers. My kids are rarely bothered by name calling themselves, which at least makes this all the less traumatic but may also mean that I don't intervene enough. Meaning, I have never really had to role play what to do or say when someone says something you don't like so I was all the more stunned yesterday when Henry said "I hate you, Mia" (I think she snatched a toy), to which she calmly replied, "I like me. I like my whole self." Out of nowhere. It was perfect.

monday morning

This morning Jason and the kids woke up at the same time, about 45 minutes before he had to get out the door, leaving that precious window for me to get a little more sleep. i really needed it after a night of tossing and turning and insane dreams. Unfortunately, Henry and Mia decided they needed to press their bodies into me and play with cars and sing loudly for the entire 45 minutes. No matter how much I begged, ignored, whined, and threatened they couldn't be persuaded to leave my sides. At one point I was moaning at Henry to give me some space and quiet and he looked straight into my eyes from a few inches away and flatly said, as though I must have been confused, "it's not mother's day."

saturday morning

How sad is it that in my mid-30s chocolate can apparently produce the hangover that tequila could a decade ago. Sucks. I suppose it's worth noting that the munchkins each got me up in the middle of the night, but, really, it's gonna be like this?

one way or the other

Do you ever feel like thinks are okay, fine, good even, maybe pretty darned good, OR, you might be losing your freaking mind? I feel sort of like that now. I think it's the former but can't totally rule out the latter.

I think things are better than they have been in awhile. I am happy. We are lucky. Life is good.

But, what's next? Where are we headed? Things are never easy how can they be easy now? What am I forgetting?

See what I mean. I'm just not sure these days but I am going to keep my fingers crossed and try to focus on the good that is here now.

managed chaos

Things, they are better. Things are actually a whole lot better with my parents, better than they have been in a long time. I guess things needed to get really shaken up to clear out some of the bad feeling that were hanging around. On the other hand, we have been sick and our dear friend and nanny is having a miscarriage. It is awful for her, which is my first focus but not having childcare is also really tough here. The work deadlines are staking up and with such a small staff I have had to work through illness and inconvenience. I have been making mistakes, which makes me crazy. Henry's carpool, which allows me to be at work instead of picking him up at noon has been sick and unpredictable so I don't have a clue what I am doing from hour to hour it seems. Jason finally landed a job or two right as this all hit so we are pretty scattered and behind on many fronts right now. He and I are managing pretty well and trying to stay grounded though and succeeding somewhat. I am really looking forward to a week away in California soon. Staying with Jason's parents has never been amazing but we are going to try harder than ever to make it so this time.

I spent a good part of the day picking up and organizing around here. Nothing too serious but I got to the bottom of a number of surfaces I haven't seen in weeks. At least. The office/bedroom remodel and swap was a big project and we went into it after a stretch of being sick and craziness so it feels like things have been a crazy mess forever. With a place for most things and a bit of puttering around, we made great strides. We have serious piles to organize, sort, donate, give away, trash in he basement. There is still tremendous effort required down there but it is great to have our living spaces cleared out and picked up. The new office is mostly there and is cozy and pleasant. It is all such and improvement I can hardily believe it took us this long to come up with a plan and change things.

When Henry was born, he slept with us or in a co-sleeper and then a crib, and later a bed, in our room. Then Mia was born and slept in our room, as did Henry until she was about 6 months old. So, we have been sharing our bedroom with a baby or toddler or both for 4.5 years. I have no complaints and wasn't thinking about rushing Mia out of our room but I have to say that I am unexpectedly thrilled to have our room back. I think I am sleeping better even thought they are just cross the hall and I can hear most noises they make. Mia finishing with diapers allowed us to get rid of the changing table and diaper pail, cloth diaper set up, etc. Without the crib and changing table, the room seems so much more spacious and, best of all, it gives me a nice, quiet, tv-free space in the evenings after the kids are asleep to do whatever I please. I'm not sure exactly what that is yet but I expect it includes reading, yoga, meditating, doing cross-word puzzles, finally organizing my closets and drawers, perhaps even talking on the phone. So, now I am off to sleep in my spacious room, resting on a bit of domestic satisfaction.

.

end of the line

After one kid waking up at 5 am and the other waking up later with a fever and stomach ache and not going to school and a long day of working in from of my computer and a hectic bedtime with two kids who didn't want to sleep, I think I am done for the day. I am actually going to bed before 8 pm. I may not be asleep for hours but at least I won't be cleaning or typing of editing PowerPoint presentations or doing the laundry, and right now, that's really all that matters.

normal

The kids came home from my parents' house this morning and the rest of the day was pretty normal. They were both sweet and remarkably sane considering the transition. I can't believe how much we got done this weekend and how much more relaxed I feel. I am almost looking forward to the routine of the week. Henry is back to school after a week off and I have a really busy week at work ahead. It shouldn't be too hard but I am already not looking forward to the volume of things I must get through. I am ready to stop thinking so much and worrying about how things are going to work out. I have got to figure out how to really live in the moment more. I have been working on it for a long time but never seem to hold onto it for very long. Life just moves too fast, which is really all the more reason to just take it as it comes.