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My dear Henry,
A couple of weeks ago you turned 6. Historically I have made a point to put you to bed on your birthday (well, I always put you to bed but I especially try to be patient and make a longer event of it) and then sit down to write about you at that moment. This year we were in Montana and dealing with a lot of variables, some fun and others less fun. We celebrated your day for sure (you are still not thrilled that a party hasn't yet materialized this year) but I just haven't had it in me to sit down and write much. It's been an interesting summer so far of travel and camps and real camping and playing outside all day. I took some time off from work this month and while it hardly seemed like enough I got to spend more time focusing on you and Mia and remembering these days and ages and stories and jokes. For that alone it was totally worth it.

Last night you wanted to fall asleep in our bed and I came in to lay with you for awhile. We chatted about things that make us sad and I was reminded how similar you are to me as a child and even now. We are emotionally sensitive and not always sure how to process it. We have to be very careful with what we expose you to and help you make sense of it all. Thankfully I think I can do that for you, with you. We also laughed and talked about exciting things to come. It was the pleasant sweet moment I have been waiting for for weeks.

I left for a few minutes and told you I would return. You were so drowsy it would have been easy for me to go on with the evening clean up but I kept my word and came back. You were half asleep and said you were just wondering when I was going to come back and if I had forgotten. I told you that I would never forget you or the promises I make to you and you looked me in the eyes and nodded solemnly. We talked for a few more minutes before you finally fell asleep. Bedtime has not often been fun in our house but I am so thankful to have these precious little moments to help erase the whining and frustration and tears. The dishes can wait. I will always be here. I will always come back. Happy birthday, baby. Six is going to be a good year, I just know it.

happy birthday, henry

It really blows me away that you are now 5. It's seems like a big deal. Real school is just a few months away and you are figuring out the world more each day. Last night at bedtime you asked me who made the world. I offered a quick summary of the big bang theory and the God theory. At first you were focused on who made all of the roads and cars and towns and such and "people" was an easy answer. We talked about how the big question is who made people and nature. I remember having similar thoughts at your age and I also remember being thoroughly freaked out realizing that I was just one person with these thoughts rattling around in my brain in a huge universe. Pretty big thoughts for a 5-year-old but that's something you and I seem to have in common. I think it comes from my dad. We don't seem to stop thinking and planning and reasoning and questioning, even when it's not in our best interest. The great part about the conversation was that you didn't seem to get freaked out at the expansiveness of it all. You simply replied that, "oh, yeah, a volcano made nature. A tall, steep one." And that was that. It was all you needed. On one hand, your tendency to come up with your own answers and be so sure that they are correct drives me a little crazy (then again, it's another on of my tendencies that emerged at an early age) but in most cases I love how you can be satisfied and comforted by your understanding of things. You aren't too caught up in the big picture or the pesky details. You are still a little kid and I am so very thankful for that. And I'm not ready for anything else yet.

I look forward to another year with you, learning how to give you what you need and showing you the things I love in this world. I hope that our similarities will allow me to help you navigate through life a little easier than I have at times and when I can't, that I can help you pick up the pieces and move forward with strength and the knowledge that you are loved always, no matter what. Sweet dreams as you rest tonight my newly-5-year-old boy. Love, Mama

happy birthday, baby girl

My dear Mia,
Happy birthday! You are 2 and you have been telling everyone who asks while holding up anywhere form 2 to 5 fingers. We came home from a visit with your grandparents in California today and when the airplane took off you looked out the window and panicked a little. You wanted down and out immediately and so I talked to you and held your hands. You clamed down quickly but wouldn’t let me move my hand from you chest. You held it with both of your hands and I felt so glad that I could comfort you so easily. You have been very attached to me lately, and while it can be exhausting, I tend to like it. I know I won’t be able to satisfy your every desire for long so I am happy to do it now.

You are such a sweet and intense little person. Your dad always says you are just like me when you are demanding and stubborn and difficult and I always nod. The thing is, he means it but he doesn’t mean it in a negative way. Our strengths and our weaknesses may be one in the same sometimes but we know what we want. Your speech has skyrocketed lately and I love how you express your understanding of the world. Your vocabulary is quite impressive with words and phrases such as reach, ceiling, sky, float, tall, meow kitty, hippo, hedge hog, red car, raisin, birds eat raisins, pop corn, hungry, stop it, get it, grab it, noooo mommy, nooo daddy, counter, shower, clean, play, build, candle. I’m sure you know literally hundreds of words but I am frequently impressed with your use of conceptual words and your clear grasp of what people are saying. Your favorite song has been Old Macdonald for months and you often drift off to sleep bellowing e i e i o. Lately you also request the alphabet by asking for “song lmmo” or “song efg” or “song adc” or, in the case of one time last week, simply “f.”

Today I held your hand to cross the street and you pulled it away and gave me a sidelong smirk. You know you have to hold our hands to cross the street but you have little interest. Melanie was with us and she said the look you gave me was one she has never seen before in the many month of caring for you. This doesn’t surprise me but it was interesting to have a confirmation that you do indeed interact differently with your parents, as I’m sure all kids do. You push us and test us and very rarely respond to the word no. This drives your dad crazy and me too to some extent but secretly I sort of like it. You have your own power and plans and you won’t let anyone get in your way.

Your relationship with Henry continues to grow. He loves to have you as an audience and sidekick and you are sometimes a willing participant. He follows your lead almost as much as you follow his. He interprets for you on occasion but sometimes he just makes up a story about what he thinks you mean. He loves you and tries to comfort you and calm you down when no one else can do the job. I love watching you really play and pretend together in the little kitchen or just rolling around and hiding under the covers together. You will continue to test each other’s patience and teach each other great lessons while making each other laugh.

It is absolutely unbelievable that you are already 2 and yet you often seem so much older. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings and get to know the little girl you are quickly becoming.

4 amazing years

Dear Henry,
Today you are 4 years old. I simply can't believe how fast you are growing up. I have to say that the last few months with you have been quite nice. You are becoming such a balanced, thoughtful person. You are social and aware and goofy and fun. You are strong and coordinated and creative. Things are so much easier now that you are getting a handle on what you can control and what you can't. I'm not even sure that's really what's happening but the outcome is the same. You are more patient, and less frustrated and able to wait for good things to come. I could record at least one funny/amazing/adorable/crazy thing you say every day. We had your birthday party yesterday and I enjoyed seeing you among your friends (mostly from school). You were a good host and grateful and funny. These are things I would like to think you have learned from us but i am also very careful not to tell you what to say and do as much as I can. You have a lot of freedom for a newly 4 year old boy and I am so appreciative of how trustworthy you are and that we can let you negotiate your way in this world, quietly (well, as quietly as we can) standing by to support you and love you and kiss you many bumps and bruises, while giving you the space to become the amazing, strong, confident person that you are. Happy birthday, big boy.

happy birthday, baby girl

i may change this or take it down. it's unedited and i'm not up to editing now. it's been so long since i have posted that i feel like putting something up and this had to be written today, as rough and rambling as it is. i like to keep these posts concise and sweet but this is where i am at the moment- in love but so very tired and uninterested in capitalization. here goes...

dear mia,
today is your first birthday. i can hardly believe this day is here. i spent much of last night and all day today thinking about how different our lives were exactly one year ago. i looked at the clock all morning thinking about exactly what we were doing last year and the moment you were born. my first memory about you is still one of surprise at how much dark hair you had. your brother was bald for over a year so we were particularly surprised. the funny thing is that i was so proud of you in that moment- proud of you for having a lot of hair. it's such a silly thought but maybe it was that in the instant i saw you i was struck by the fact that you were my girl. i had known that this was technically the case for months but even covered with blood and screaming you weren't just a blobby baby. you were my little girl. you were a reality. and, of course, you have changed our entire reality.

this morning you woke up and played in bed with me for an hour. we laughed and played and you crawled and rolled around and stood up and pulled my hair and squealed. you have never been so patient in the morning and usually get sick of playing around on the bed a few minutes after i bring you into bed. it was the perfect start to any day and i felt so lucky to share those early morning moments with you on your birthday.

your grandparents all gathered for dinner to celebrate you and you entertained us all with you strength (mental and physical), goofiness, tenacity and sweetness. i had expected to rock you sweetly to sleep tonight and muse about you and capture my thoughts but i ended up negotiating with your brother through his freak out while your dad put you to sleep. you are indeed a second child. so far you don't seem to mind. you are anything but a pushover and your intensity amazes us most days but you love henry so much that you are usually happy to just be around him even if he isn't so sure. this won't sound fair to your brother but 3.5 can be a rough age and you two are finding your way in the world together. he loves you and you play so well together much of the time. i am certain that it is only a matter of months before you guys form an alliance against me and your dad and i think we will all be better for it. life is so much better now that you are here and watching you grow and develop and your personality emerge is the best thing in the world. you completed our family and i am committed to doing anything i can in this life to keep this family close and together and happy and in love. i'm no more certain about anything in the world than this.

9 months old

Dear Mia,
Today you are 9 months old. You have lived with us in the world for as long as you were inside of me. Perhaps that’s weird and not of much importance but I can’t help but notice that and pause to think about your birth and how different our lives are now and how happy we are to know you. You roll around and make adorable sounds and grab your brothers toys and “bang apart” his train tracks. You laugh and squeal and reach out for our faces. You are big and strong and cute. You like to put everything in your mouth and touch Henry’s face and look at the dog and eat mashed up vegetables.

Your father recently said that I was neglecting you (or something equally silly) because I haven’t been writing down your every move on a calendar like I did for your brother. For the record, your dad only just found out that I had kept the calendars so he is in no position to talk. Really though it’s exactly the opposite. We haven’t been fixating on exactly when you rolled over or how many times you have tried peas (twice and you weren’t that into them) because we have been enjoying every day with you. We know you are perfect and we have learned that the timing of so-called milestones don’t change who you are. Not that we don’t delight in the prospect of your first teeth or that I didn’t feel oddly proud when you first put your toe in your mouth. We do and I did! I love every minute of it and I think that’s why I haven’t worried so much about documenting it.

This week my mom was here with you playing in the living room while your dad and I were working in the office. You were laughing and squealing and he randomly stopped working to go out front. I heard him tell g.g. that he just came out to see you because he couldn’t resist the sound of your cute laughter.

You and Henry are the best things in our lives and even though you are not sleeping well right now I am trying very hard not to let it throw us off too much. I know this fatigue will pass and I don’t want to dwell on the hard parts of life right now because I know they will pass as quickly as the amazing parts and I only want to remember as much as I can about watching you grow up. It only gets better every day, and as rose-colored and flaky as that may sound, deep down I really know that it’s true.

hello, three!

I am continuing my tradition of writing a little note to Henry every night on his birthday. Here it is with the past two years following.

7/13/07
Goodbye, two. Hello, three! Today is your birthday and once again I just got out of the rocking chair with you on my lap. Only this year you walked to your big boy bed by yourself and then asked for three cups of water, two of them hot. I have your dad’s recent accidental delivery of warm tap water to thank for that new little quirk. In fact, now you are yelling at me for the fourth time to get you more hot water and wanted to show me the “birthday circle” you just made out of your new fire hose toy. You had a great birthday today, spending time with both sets of grandparents. You were gracious and sweet, thanking your daddy and me after we sang happy birthday to you first thing this morning. You told everyone how you are three and kept telling me how excited you were that today was your birthday and that you loved your presents. You also told both your grandma and me that we were beautiful at different times today. In short, you are still a charming little, (no. sorry. big that is.) boy. This has been a bit of a tough year with the words “no” and “now” leaving your mouth at high volumes more frequently than I would like but I am learning to be more patient and you are learning to be more patient and we are learning to live together and communicate better every day. Really, we are. You are making me a better, stronger kinder person and you make me smile and laugh every day. You are a great big brother and the best son I could ever ask for in all of the world. Happy birthday, sweet boy!

(You just convinced me to "baby rock" you one more time (I could hardly deny you on your birthday) and your little sighs and heavy little blonde head on my arm brought tears to my eyes once again.)

7/13/06
I just put you in bed, my big, wriggling, kicking, chatting, laughing, smiling boy. You still like to rock in my lap and ask to “baby rock” before bed most nights. Tonight we read a book about bunnies in love twice and then I sang your bedtime songs to you before I put you happily in your crib. I am sure that you are the only one in this world who will ever ask me to sing and I will be sad when you finally realize how off-key I am and don’t ask anymore. But I will also understand! I had intended to head straight for my computer to write you a note but I got a phone call and had to do some last minute work for a couple of hours first. That’s how our lives have been lately. Incredibly busy with most minutes of the day packed with activity. You are learning and growing and changing so fast I am constantly reminding myself to stop and breathe and take time to enjoy life with you. I put off the crazy work issues when I’m with you as much as I can and always try to focus on what’s most important in my life first, and that is you. Thank you for reminding me of that everyday. Happy birthday, Henry.

7/12/05
A year ago this hour I had just started to go into active labor. Tonight you had a tough time falling asleep so I rocked you in my arms and you fell asleep looking into my eyes. I cried and cried thinking about what an amazing year it has been and how every tough moment has been worth it. A year ago this house and our lives were focused on two people now we are three. I can’t imagine it any other way.

happy birthday baby

I didn’t do a great job of writing during Henry’s early months and first year for that matter. I managed to get a rambling birth story down over time but it was more for me than him. I wasn’t “into” blogs and a running Word document wasn’t terribly inspiring. I was able to start what I hope will become a tradition on his birthday of jotting a few thoughts down for him each year on the anniversary of that memorable day.

7/12/05
A year ago this hour I had just started to go into active labor. Tonight you had a tough time falling asleep so I rocked you in my arms and you fell asleep looking into my eyes. I cried and cried thinking about what an amazing year it has been and how every tough moment has been worth it. A year ago this house and our lives were focused on two people now we are three. I can’t imagine it any other way.

7/13/06
I just put you in bed, my big, wriggling, kicking, chatting, laughing, smiling boy. You still like to rock in my lap and ask to “baby rock” before bed most nights. Tonight we read a book about bunnies in love twice and then I sang your bedtime songs to you before I put you happily in your crib. I am sure that you are the only one in this world who will ever ask me to sing and I will be sad when you finally realize how off-key I am and don’t ask anymore. But I will also understand! I had intended to head straight for my computer to write you a note but I got a phone call and had to do some last minute work for a couple of hours first. That’s how our lives have been lately. Incredibly busy with most minutes of the day packed with activity. You are learning and growing and changing so fast I am constantly reminding myself to stop and breathe and take time to enjoy life with you. I put off the crazy work issues when I’m with you as much as I can and always try to focus on what’s most important in my life first, and that is you. Thank you for reminding me of that everyday. Happy birthday, Henry.