who needs logic anyway?

In all of my free time (ha! mostly time with a kid on my boob that is) I have been thinking more about this low level frustration and fatigue in which taking care of kids all day seems to result. I have worked in stressful, hectic jobs for unpleasant people. I have traveled a fair amount for work (major sleep deprivation) and worked long hours with unpredictable people (large-scale public involvement on heated topics). But it just doesn’t compare. I think part of it is the current lack of predictability or schedule to, um, anything these days. Henry and I had a great morning with friends a couple of days ago while Mia slept well. She then woke up right when I needed to feed Henry and get him down for a nap and she didn’t go down again (for anything more than a cat nap) until 10 pm. Those 8 hours or so were really difficult. Yesterday she slept pretty much all day (woke to eat, of course) until 4pm and then was awake until midnight. She was, however, mostly calm and settled most of those hours. Today sleep has been hit or miss all morning. We have gotten this girl to sleep in no less than 10 ways during the last week. One might think that such flexibility was a good thing but it isn’t as if any one way works any time. We may have to (and usually do) try many options before one finally works. Henry does have a schedule of sorts but keeping him to in light of the little one is tough. His behavior and mood is completely unpredictable though. On that topic, I am also getting really sick of the fact that his practically every reply begins with no. Even the worst boss isn’t that bad.

I promised myself that the one thing I would do different with this baby is not to worry about how long it takes to get her to sleep or look overly anxiously to the next milestone. I know how fast time passes and I want to appreciate each moment as it happens. I think this is a good goal but I think that it may only be practical after this phase of cranky, sleepless infancy passes. I am trying to enjoy it as much as possible but I am not going to (or try not to) kick myself for wishing it would all pass a little quicker and that we could get over these long sleepless evenings.

I think I was going to conclude that maybe the biggest problem I have is that nothing either child does seems logical lately. I am not surprised but I think it’s still a big hurdle for me and my hyper-logical brain. I have stopped and started this post innumerable times over two days of crying, potty assistance, diaper changing, rocking, bouncing, feeding, cooking, playing, cleaning, etc. Basically, I have lost my train of thought and figure it’s best to end it while I’m ahead or at least not behind!

I will note that Jason got out of working today so I got to sleep in, or at least lay in bed a lot longer trying to get the baby to go back to sleep. More pleasant than the alternative either way. I am very glad to have him around for at least a day and feel like it really is the weekend! Now if I could just convince him to vacuum…

worn out

I don’t want to complain. Really. But if I don’t say how wiped out I am I will be skipping over this whole early phase of life with Mia. It isn’t just sleep deprivation either, although that’s certainly at play. It’s mental exhaustion and an overall fogginess that hits me toward the end of the day. I am finding myself retreating to bed as early as is reasonable to escape. This comes from the being constantly occupied with the needs of two other humans all day long. And boy are their needs at any given moment different from each other. Perhaps it’s also that so much of what they need is to eat and sleep. Henry requires a fair amount more than that, of course, but the challenges always seem to be around food and nap/bed time. I’m saying all of this and today was actually a good day, much better than they have been lately. Mia slept a lot and went down easy. Henry got a lot of my attention and we only had one time out I can remember. Jason got home at a reasonable time and we ate good food. Still though, I am wiped out and we are just hitting (or in the middle of) the cranky baby phase of the day that has been lasting consistently until 10pm leaving me no time whatsoever alone or with Jason before I crash. So, maybe I am complaining after all, I can’t really tell anymore. I don’t think this is really worth posting and I may not but I suppose it serves as a record of the addled mind of a mom with a baby and a toddler. Again, not sure it’s worth it even at that but that’s what I’ve got at the moment. For the record, I’m not depressed and life looks pretty decent, even right at this moment. If I really wanted to complain I would start in on how Jason is working all weekend (for my lame boss but that’s another story in and of itself) so I don’t see an end to the current stretch of me alone with the small people and that’s a lot of what this is all about.

reminding myself it's all worthwhile

After a long, loud, trying day (him) and a long, sleepless night (her), looking at their photos is almost better than the real thing. It reminds me how lucky I really am.

4 weeks old (last week)

the toy airplane he is flying in his hand is just out of sight

but I wanted to say mustard

I have at least three posts floating through my head that I hope to get down in the next couple of days. Posts on birth and babies and siblings. Oh, joy!

For now, I have been noticing how Henry is really into telling people what to do and what he will do lately. Sometimes he is simply describing the situation. For example, “you eating rice. I eating chicken.” Or, “you sitting in the chair. I standing right here.” More entertaining though are his directives. Here are a few from the weekend:

You say yes. I say no.
You dance. I sing. (most often directed at Jason who actually complies more often than not)
You play guitar. I play drums.
You a gorilla. He (to J) a gorilla. She (to M) a gorilla. I am a monkey.
You read a book to me. I sing old McDonald.
You say rock star (to J). You say popsicle (to me). I say mustard.

curious punctuation

On Mother’s Day, my in-laws sent me a hallmark e-card. Not surprising as they send us these email cards for pretty much every occasion. The message read:

Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for the two “wonderful” grandchildren. We hope you enjoy “your” day. Love, S and B

As someone who does a lot of reading and writing and a fair amount of editing professionally, I have to say that I am more than a little confused by the use of quotation marks around “wonderful” and “your.” It keeps popping back into my head throughout the day as though I will ever have a clue what they intended.

amazing me with his listening skills and questionable music preferences

The whole damn family is in the car on the way to sushi. The radio has been playing Regina Specter’s “Fidelity” for like 20 seconds. This is a very close approximation of the actual word-for-word conversation that transpired.

Jason: I hate this song
Aarin: So change it (reaches over and changes to another station)
Henry: Put back breaks my heart song!
(A, in shock, changes the station back. A and J exchange amused glances. Song ends.)
H: I want breaks my heart song
A: Sorry, it’s over. We listened to the whole song and it ended. We’re listening to a new song now.
J: So, you like that song kiddo?
H: Yep. I do. It not weird. It perfect.

the (evil) power of thought

Don’t even THINK about telling the internet how well your baby is finally sleeping and how perfect she has been for over 36 hours. Just planning that sentence out in your head may cause (as it did in my case) the worst 18 hours ever of baby discomfort, unhappiness and sleeplessness. And, of course, it will happen over the night before your husband goes back to work for the first time.

That was last night and she still isn’t sleeping well. I have cut out over half of the foods I would like to be eating (including big categories like wheat and dairy) and I still feel like it must be something I am eating that is causing the little girl discomfort but I can’t figure out what. I remember doing the same thing with Henry and he was difficult no matter what we did until he was six weeks old. Then he was perfect. I know that no two kids are exactly alike but I am hoping in this case that she follows suit. Two more weeks to go.

mia

There is so much back story here I am feeling overwhelmed trying to sort out what is and isn’t worth writing about. But, for now, I will stick to the most important part of the story in an attempt to get back to writing here. Without further delay, I introduce Mia Lauren. Born 4/19/07 at 8:00am sharp, weighing in at 7 lbs. 5 oz. and measuring 21 in. Here she is just a few days old.



I love this girl more than I could have every imagined and we are getting used to life as a family of four. Jason has been home taking care of me for a month through bed rest and a crazy birth and the aftermath. He is still off work so things seem pretty manageable. Hopefully I can get in some writing in the next week or so before he goes back to work. When that happens I fear I may never have a moment to myself again.