now 10

Right now I am acutely aware of how regularly being alone together without interruption starting at 10pm can be detrimental to one's relationship. And particularly a couple's ability to communicate.

now 9

Right now I feel a little bit insane. Some of this has to do with extreme lack of sleep but moreover I had a really weird night the likes of which smacks of a vague familiarity from my early 20s. Somehow, and I seriously mean somehow, I stayed out until after 3am last night. After practically no sleep and a fair amount of anxiety, I wrote the following to my friend. I'm not sure if my in-laws being here to help with the kids this morning makes things better or worse. Ug.

Hey there,
I hope you slept better than I did! Does something about last night seem exceptionally weird to you? Yes, we get swept up talking but I swear I looked at my phone when I went to the bathroom and it said 10:15 and I figured we would be wrapping things up pretty soon. How in the world does one drink last for almost 5 more hours? Even if I read my phone wrong, even wildly wrong, there were no messages and Jason's million messages started at 1 so it had to have been at least 2 more hours. Not to mention that I was absolutely freezing but just keep thinking we would go in shortly but didn't move. It just doesn't seem fathomable that we talked for 7 hours. In any case, all I can come up with is that either rhubarb vodka is a time-altering drug or your back yard is some sort of timeless vortex. Aside from feeling really freaked out about the time I think I felt pretty normal otherwise. Give me a call if you feel like it and have a good day. I'm still waiting for all of the promised sun. A

now 8

These days I am questioning everything. Sometimes it is exciting and refreshing and sometimes it is scary and tiring. Right now I am somewhere in the middle. Things are okay but they are about to change. I believe this is the calm before the storm. Or, maybe I'm actually int he eye of the hurricane. At least that means by my estimation that we are half-way to somewhere. I have 3 more weeks of work before we head off into the familiar and the unknown for awhile. It seems so close but so far away. Right now I will breathe through it all and try to smile a little more.

now 7

Now, I am going to bed alone again. There is always a logical reason but it's not my ideal reality nonetheless.

every single time

Me or J or H: Hey, Mia what does N-O spell?
M: No!
Me or J or H: What about Y-E-S?
M. Cow.

now 6

It's amazing what a decent day can do for perspective. I am now sitting in a quiet house with sleeping kids. I'm contemplating washing some walls to do a little touch up painting but may not manage it. We moved furniture and it looks pretty ratty at the moment. With two kids and a dog I'm not too worried about upkeep these days but with Jason's extended family coming this week I am compelled to put in a little more effort than usual, particularly sine I am likely to enjoy the results more than anyone. On the other hand, I have a pile of basil that needs attention before I can go to bed. The walls may have to wait.

A funny thing about my kids and bugs that I can't get out of my head. This morning both of them came stomping into my room practically shaking with fear and angst about a spider on the couch. Later today Henry found a moth in a toy truck outside and freaked out. Mia asked him if it stung and then why he was worried about it. I think the flying is the unpredictable and concerning thing there. Henry is petrified of bees (and so is Mia to some degree) after being stung on the tongue by one last year. On the flip side, they are crazy (in a good way) for worms, slugs, millipedes, grubs (which I wouldn't touch with my bear hands if you paid me), pill bugs, ladybugs, etc. They pick them up and carry them around and baby them and put them in jars. It's not uncommon to overhear Henry telling someone about his new pet(s), by which he means a bug in a jar. I get the stinging, biting thing but otherwise there is some lack of consistency here that I find at least slightly interesting.

now 5

Right now I am sicker than anyone of hearing how tired I am. But seriously universe, what the fuck? Both kids got up last night and the dog had to go out 5 times in a 1.5-hour period and then still barfed under the bed at 6am.. This is life but the last 2 weeks have been so miserable in the sleep department that right now I don't feel like I can go on.

now 4

Now I am feeling the affects of a day in the sun with the kids after a late night of fun. I am drowsy to the point of droopy. I was planning to wait for Jason to come home with chocolate but I fear I may not make it. Having the window open in the late evening is such a pleasure and one we have seen far too little of this year. I am enjoying the dusk and a quiet but messy house. Cleaning will have to wait.

now 3

Right now I feel like dredging up the past. Every six months of so something akin to the following rattles through my head as I try to fall asleep and then I work through it and move on. Or not. I don't know. I suppose distance helps but its' not going away. This is not the rationalized, balanced version of anything. This is the dark, raw emotion that doesn't seem to fade.

Dear miserable midwife,
You are a self-absorbed narcissist who likes to hear yourself talk. You are a miserable care provider and after having a difficult first birth during which I didn't feel supported or taken care of by you, God only knows why I solicited your help a second time. I suppose a known quantity seemed less daunting than the unknown. Besides I thought I knew what I had in store and could make the changes I wanted. Instead my health declined throughout the pregnancy and you added a huge degree of stress to my life. You are more judgmental and disconnected from the people right in front of you than you will ever know. When you finally made false statements to the Dr. in the hospital to make you sound knowledgeable (which you later denied outright when I confronted you) you destroyed my hope of anything even close to the birth I wanted and needed. Abandoning me after chipperly discussing her perfectly progressing home birth with another client in my hospital room for 5 minutes should have been the last straw but I figure that came a few days later when you told me how complicated my birth was and that you should have been paid more for it when you weren't even fucking there. This is after I paid your full fee and still faced HUGE hospital bills just days after major surgery and trauma. You have huge balls, that I can say for you. Why I didn't scream and tell you to fuck off in that moment is beyond me (and Jason). Politeness can be a liability. You over-committed and took on too much. You failed me. I have since run into several women in town who are all too happy to recount tales of terrible births under you care and a former colleague of yours told me she thought you went crazy. If only I had known sooner.

Dear despicable doctor,
You have absolutely the worst bedside manner I can possibly imagine. You may be a knowledgeable doctor but your interpersonal skills and lack of empathy are so horrendous it would be comical if not so traumatizing. Likening a birthing woman's labor to a "dead horse" is unforgivable. You withheld information to cover your ass and gave me no credit whatsoever for having any knowledge about what was going on with my own body. I believe you actually don't trust women at all and can't imagine why you are in this line of work. My skin crawls to think of being in the same room as you. I'm sure you think I should be thankful that my daughter I are alive and fine thanks to your all-but-forced surgery. Sadly, you have no clue the affect you have on women's lives every day and how your decisions and communication change the course of our histories.

This may not stay up. Hell, I may not even publish it. It feels like the kind of thing I should print out and burn in a ceremony but maybe putting it on the internet is sort of the same thing these days. Updated to note that I removed the names and feel much better about it. I'm not delusional and I have a ton of perspective on the issue, nonetheless I think this was as cathartic as I hoped it would be.

now 2

Now, I am full of Thai food and hoping it didn't have any wheat (soy sauce) in it. I am not looking forward to bedtime, which I should be initiating any minute. I wish I didn't have to keep knowing, seeing, hearing about the oil spewing into the ocean but it seems to be a popular topic and unavoidable one around here. More, I wish it wasn't happening in the first place. I just finished the first crossword puzzle of the day and have more graphic design work to look forward to instead of relaxing tonight. Right now Mia is yelling at me about how her hand is missing in a little black velvet bag and has moved on to trying to stuff my mouse into it as I type. Henry is bouncing a big purple ball and holding forth on the details of the behaviors of people in the lego development he just finished. I really hope the kids go to sleep without much fuss and trauma tonight.

now 1

Now, I am tired and thinking about too many work projects but not working on them. I am listening to Jason video chat w/a friend about fixing her computer. I am drinking a little pink rhubarb vodka in water. I am thinking about sleep and trying not to think about tomorrow. I am not doing the dishes or fixing another friend's website or making Henry's snack or taking a shower. Now, I am going to do a crossword puzzle in bed.