managed chaos

Things, they are better. Things are actually a whole lot better with my parents, better than they have been in a long time. I guess things needed to get really shaken up to clear out some of the bad feeling that were hanging around. On the other hand, we have been sick and our dear friend and nanny is having a miscarriage. It is awful for her, which is my first focus but not having childcare is also really tough here. The work deadlines are staking up and with such a small staff I have had to work through illness and inconvenience. I have been making mistakes, which makes me crazy. Henry's carpool, which allows me to be at work instead of picking him up at noon has been sick and unpredictable so I don't have a clue what I am doing from hour to hour it seems. Jason finally landed a job or two right as this all hit so we are pretty scattered and behind on many fronts right now. He and I are managing pretty well and trying to stay grounded though and succeeding somewhat. I am really looking forward to a week away in California soon. Staying with Jason's parents has never been amazing but we are going to try harder than ever to make it so this time.

ug

The kids will. not. go. to. sleep. This is nothing new but they are literally (yes, I do mean literally) bouncing off of the walls in the next room. I am tired. All of this bullshit with my parents got umpteen times more dramatic when they both started sending me over the top emails last night. I talked to my dad today and we are going to have a meeting soon. I don't know. I don't want to make everyone's lives difficult and sad. I just want a break from crappy, emotionally-wrenching patterns. Really, I don't think that's too much to ask. A good friend just found out she's having a miscarriage today. Seriously, I think I know more people who have had miscarriages than haven't. It sucks. She is awesomely grounded and will be fine (as have been all of my other friends) but it still sucks. Jason hasn't had much work lately. Bad timing considering previously free childcare being up in the air. We are nowhere near having our taxes done and I can't shake the nagging feeling of deadlines and work yet undone. Just ug.

processing

See? If I don't have a self-imposed rule in place I just don't write here. Also, things have been good lately, fine. As should be obvious, I tend to write more while I'm going through things. Actually, that might not be obvious. I have no real sense of a cohesive whole here. Just bits and pieces of days, thoughts, stories, working out issues. Complaining I guess. That's something I have always done in abundance but felt slightly bad about but not been able to stop. Maybe it's who I am and I just need to suck it up and accept that I am a complainer. But, I don't have a whole lot to complain about at the moment. Or, at least I didn't until last night.

I simply can't get into it here now but I will say that when my sister left all fo us behind 6 years ago I am certian she did the right thing. I have come to some realizations about my relationship with my parents that I don't think will ever change. I'm sure lots of people have family issues but mine are currently complicated by the fact that my mom comes to my house twice a week to take care of the kids, which makes getting some distance more complicated. I think I am moments from sending her an email (after last night's conversation there's no way I can be civil right now) canceling our childcare arrangement. I don't have a fallback in place and working less (for me or Jason) is not an option. My job can be flexible and my boss is understanding and I am going to play things by ear for a bit, but still, this is scary. It sucks emotionally and financially but it has to be done. So, in process indeed. We'll see how the cards fall...