Wednesday, June 28, 2006

a few things on my mind

For one, I hate our publisher so much I could die or kill or die. I hate being angry and indignant and not able to do anything about it. No zen-like detachment for me today. But seriously these people are (supposed to be) professionals and they are acting anything but professional. They are the right distributor for the book but they are practically incompetent at communication and setting clear expectations and not being fucking retarded all the time! Fuck.

In other work related news, I am actually pretty caught up and happy with things and ready to get ready to leave town. That is if the fucking publisher would stop sending me a barrage of emails (while being unavailable for a phone call) demanding a huge number of edits (ours and mostly things they missed) be done by the end of the week when I leave tomorrow and this is the first I have heard of it. Ok, so that wasn’t really other news.

In only somewhat related news, it has taken me a few weeks shy of two years but I am finally employing babysitters to great ends. I guess up until now I felt like I couldn’t deal with hiring people (so far, one is a neighbor and the other is a friend’s daughter) and couldn’t afford it and should/didn’t need help. How wrong was I? Very wrong. I simply can’t believe how much I can get done (mostly work so far) in a few hours and how motivated I am to do so when I’m paying someone for the time. Henry loves the girls, especially K, the friend’s daughter, and has been crying when we drop her off. Then again, he has only done that when I have left maybe 4 times in his life. Should I be worried? Probably not.

Having a little help around here is taking a major load off and I am so relieved. It also means that Jason can work 5 days instead of 4 which pencils out quite well in the dollars department, but I am seeing him a bit less, but I am so happy to have Henry help that I don’t even mind! Neurotic, over-planning me is already seeing the end of this though when the girls go back to school in the fall. I am going to have to come up with a new solution but I will try not to dwell on it until then. I am over the hump. I can let someone take care of my child. Now I can do anything!

I’ve been thinking more about work and childcare and staying at home and working at home and feminism and the big picture more lately. I have done some interesting reading on motherhood over the years but have kept my distance from the discussion and wasn’t sure why. I think I finally realized that I just haven’t known quite where I fit in the whole scheme of things. Some days I think of myself as a working mom (out of the house for $, duh, all mom’s are really working moms), some days as a stay at home mom, and others as a work at home mom. The reality is that it depends on the day. Yes, I am always employed but sometimes my hours are so flexible and job seems so secondary that it feels like lifetimes away. Underneath it all, since I got pregnant I have been wishing I didn’t have to work for $ (at least at this job) and have been resenting my job. After a good meeting a few weeks ago though, I realized that there is a certain level of satisfaction and excitement that I get from working creatively and accomplishing goals that I just don’t get at home. On the other hand, there is a peace and happiness that I get spending time with/taking care of Henry that I don’t get elsewhere. I guess for now I just need to work on balancing the two and being ok with the fact that I can’t devote myself completely to either and still have no idea where I fall in terms of any sort of motherhood/career/feminism/societal good debate.

So the next 18 hours are looking even more insane than when I started this post from a work standpoint. One intense conference call and a few desperate messages to the graphic designer and I am no closer to a solution. At least now we are sort of on the same page. I do know that in 24 hours I will be board a plane with my boys and Jason’s family bound for a family reunion in North Dakota. At least this vacation promises to be more relaxing than the last!


Blogger honey said...

I'm totally with you on the motherhood/feminism conflict deal... I'm never exactly sure where I stand or how I feel about it all. But I *am* grateful for the choices I have, even when they overwhelm me and seem like impossible choices. In fact, I feel that the problem is that our choices are still too limited, if that makes any sense!

7/01/2006 11:11 PM  

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