Wednesday, June 06, 2007

on the brink of i don't know what

All I can think to ask of the universe at this moment is what is my fucking problem. I am seriously lacking in patience with Henry these days. I had seemingly limitless patience with him as a baby. It didn’t matter how long he cried or how insane things seemed or how tired I was. I, of course, bitched about rough nights, for example, after the fact but I never lost patience in the moment. He couldn’t help the situation. He was only doing what he knew how to do. It was my job to take care of him.

But now that he is a little person who understands what I am asking or telling him and does the opposite I just can’t use the same rationale. I know that he isn’t an adult, as much as he may seem like it sometimes, and that he is still guided by impulse but I just can’t deal. When he intentionally wakes up Mia and then screams at me when I reprimand him I can’t deal. When he yells in my face or bangs on something again and again after clear warnings I can’t deal. After I take the offending object away and he looks me in the eye with huge tears and whines and cries I can’t deal. When he whines and cries and demands the same thing an hour later I can’t deal. I want to reach out and grab him and do I don’t know what. I want to put him in his room and close the door and walk away.

Insert the usual disclaimer here about what a great kid he is most of the time but it doesn’t even matter. I tell myself that I would have more patience with him if it weren’t for juggling him and Mia but I am guessing he would make me nuts anyway. It’s just even harder this way. I could easily be delusional but I really don’t think it’s an issue of discipline either. We set boundaries, communicate them clearly, give warnings, use time outs and other appropriate consequences consistently. I try to pick my battles and let little things go and have fun with him. Usually it works but the handful of times throughout every day that he tests me and pushes me are making me feel truly insane. I hate yelling and losing my temper and getting angry and I especially hate doing it in front of/because of him. I know I’m setting a crappy example and probably setting us up for continued battles down the road but I don’t feel like I have the capacity for anything more right now. I feel like the answer is in myself but I can’t find it. Limitless patience and calm, where are you when I need you so badly this time?

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Blogger nonlineargirl said...

You are worlds ahead of me. I lost patience with Ada all the time as a baby. Good thing I never lose patience with her now. Nope, not me, never. Uh uh.

6/06/2007 2:35 PM  
Blogger Lynanne said...

I think Patience took a hike once we had our second child. Sorry to hear things are rough for you. :(

6/06/2007 5:56 PM  
Blogger mama without instructions said...

yeah but i still feel like i am acting like a jerk (and i am). thanks for the reminder that it's not just me.

6/06/2007 9:26 PM  
Anonymous Kristi said...

My kids are 25 months apart. Austin was SOOO easy, but then I had Ryan and she wasn't easy at all and Austin became impossible to deal with. I was totally overwhelmed. I think everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Isnt henry around 3? Maybe he's reacting to not having you to himself. Maybe it's just his age.
hang in there!

6/08/2007 5:01 AM  
Anonymous becky said...

I think the way that it has something to do with you is that when you learn to give yourself slack for not always acting reasonably-- sometimes letting your frustration, desire or some other emotion take over then it will be easier to forgive Henry when he does it.

I'm pretty sure that there is no magic formula for achieving a perfect life without strife, so don't give yourself a hard time that you haven't found it yet.

6/12/2007 3:48 PM  

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