Sunday, May 14, 2006

happily ever after?

Something has been bugging me for a while now. I read a number of blogs (more every day it seems) and interact with a fair number of people in person. Many of these people are parents and some are not. I have found that when the topic of relationships comes up, I am much more likely to discuss relationship problems (theirs and mine) with my friends without kids and especially my unmarried friends. It feels like relationship/marriage problems/issues are sort of off limits with the happy parents set, or people really don’t have them. That’s how it feels anyway. It’s interesting because conversations with and posts by other mamas are usually so frank and open. We talk about our deep fears and poop for heaven’s sake!

I have a great partner and so do most of the mamas I know. We are so very lucky. But, it doesn’t mean that my relationship doesn’t have major issues, sometimes more often than others. It doesn’t help that many of our existing problems have been magnified by daily life as parents (H’s behavior issues, sleep deprivation, time/money concerns, etc.). These are things that my single and non-parent friends can’t relate to and I feel like I’m on my own. If I don’t keep up the perfect relationship image, what will the other mamas think? Will it change our interactions? I doubt it and it seems kind of stupid when I put it in writing but hell if I know, maybe there are a lot of perfect relationships out there. If that’s the case, I need to talk to people in them anyway. I need the secret to happily ever after.

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Blogger nonlineargirl said...

You are right about being mum on this topic - I tend to use my in-person friends to discuss relationship issues. Maybe I feel different about talking about my as yet illiterate child vs about my husband (who can comment if he disagrees with my point of view)!

It does tend to give an overly rosy picture of married life, doesn't it? Remind me next time I see you and I'll give you the dirt!

5/16/2006 9:47 AM  
Blogger me said...

life is hard, marriage is harder, and life and marriage with kids is the hardest freaking thing ever.

i agree that the online portion of life is painted to be a bit rosy, but i'll be the first to tell you we sure as heck have problems. it's just easier not to deal with them (for me, on my blog) where a lot of people can see what i have to say.

i remember a gal i know venting about her husband to an online group of *friends*, and everyone got on her about her husband being a big asshat. after that, when she would mention him, no matter what it was for (good or bad), people felt like they could still bad-mouth him, even though it really wasn't any of their business. i guess i don't want that happening with me and C.

5/16/2006 10:09 AM  
Blogger mama without instructions said...

good points. thanks. i don't particularly want to post about our issues either but even irl i often fell like we are unique with our bitchy fights...maybe not but sometimes i feel like the "my partner/husband is perfect" myth is hard to break through. more later...

5/16/2006 11:36 AM  
Blogger Bridgermama said...

Hear ya cluckin' big chicken. For some reason when I became a ma (along with my other mama friends) there started to be this level of "perfection" we began to strive for, along with that came a new level of freakish pride. We stopped talking about our relationship problems and replaced them with chats about our little people.
Also, some of my friends are married to total pricks and I feel as if my problems seem petty next to theirs. I basically only share my relationship problems with my sister. I don't feel as if she will judge Kyle or myself. Of course the MIL issues I splash loud and clear on my blog, this seems to help K remove his head from his rectum and admit that I am not over-reacting. It helps to have supportive comments to back me up.

5/17/2006 4:09 PM  

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