Sunday, May 14, 2006

a lovely day

I can’t remember a time when I did not want to be a mother, eventually, that is. Even while I was pregnant, I knew my life was changing forever. I remember the first day or two after Henry was born like it was yesterday. I had the profound realization that having this child was one of a very few things that I have ever done in life that I can never take back. At the time I was pretty scared about that fact but after the shock wore off I was profoundly happy. I cannot imagine not being a mother. My child has made be a better and much happier person. My patience is tested daily and thankfully it usually wins. I cannot imagine a day without this sweet, happy, funny, intense, peaceful being in my life. We had a relaxing day, during which I slept in, bought some plants, planted some plants, read my book, made an easy dinner and ate in the back yard with my boys, after which we laid on a blanked and relaxed some more. It was a perfect Sunday. Even Henry calling “mamaaa” from his crib 700 times, during which I have gone in 3 times to check on him, cannot ruin it.

Mother’s day is interesting though. For the first time, I am have been thinking about all of the women who want to be mothers as bad as I did, or worse, and for whatever reason can’t or are having a hell of time. Also, the women who have given up children or lost them. It breaks my heart and I can’t quite shake the awesome responsibility that is parenthood. The other thing I have been thinking about today is my own mom. We really aren’t very close and, as I mentioned recently, my sister isn’t communicating with her or any of the rest of our family. My mom and I see each other at least a couple times a week and she takes care of Henry regularly. We are nice to each other and talk on the phone frequently and have meals together several times a month. We spend holidays together and do things for each other and help each other out and I appreciate the help with Henry immensely. It’s just that I don’t feel much of an emotional connection to her. I have had issues with the way she treated me as a very young child my whole life and things really went to shit when I was a pissed off teenager. We have gotten over that for the most part (thanks in part to a fair amount of therapy on my end) but I can’t remember the last time I told her I loved her. Probably in writing or over the phone while I was in college. We have gotten closer since Henry’s birth and I trust her completely with him but I don’t have any idea if we will ever be any closer ourselves. I know she feels that I keep her at a distance but I can’t help it. There’s just too much history for me to do anything else at this point so I guess time will have to tell.

I think it is due to my lack of physical closeness and emotional connection to my parents that I am so incredibly thankful for my relationship with Jason and the relationship that seems to get stronger everyday with Henry. I appreciate how cuddly this kid is and nothing makes me feel better that his sweet, crazy kisses all over and big hugs. Truth be told, when I have Henry with me for a 9-10 hour day while Jason is working, we probably spend about 2 hours of our day rolling around on the bed or floor just cuddling and tickling and being goofy. And I love it. I know it won’t last for ever but I hope that some level of physical closeness remains throughout our lives. When I was in high school, I always envied friends with close relationships with their parents and all I can hope for now is to maintain that with my own child. Just this week, Henry started saying I love you (more like I youuu) and although he doesn’t really know what it means I am happy to hear it every time. He has even taken to saying it on occasion when I haven’t said it to him first. It’s incredibly sweet and is all I could have asked for on Mother’s day.


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