happy birthday, baby girl

i may change this or take it down. it's unedited and i'm not up to editing now. it's been so long since i have posted that i feel like putting something up and this had to be written today, as rough and rambling as it is. i like to keep these posts concise and sweet but this is where i am at the moment- in love but so very tired and uninterested in capitalization. here goes...

dear mia,
today is your first birthday. i can hardly believe this day is here. i spent much of last night and all day today thinking about how different our lives were exactly one year ago. i looked at the clock all morning thinking about exactly what we were doing last year and the moment you were born. my first memory about you is still one of surprise at how much dark hair you had. your brother was bald for over a year so we were particularly surprised. the funny thing is that i was so proud of you in that moment- proud of you for having a lot of hair. it's such a silly thought but maybe it was that in the instant i saw you i was struck by the fact that you were my girl. i had known that this was technically the case for months but even covered with blood and screaming you weren't just a blobby baby. you were my little girl. you were a reality. and, of course, you have changed our entire reality.

this morning you woke up and played in bed with me for an hour. we laughed and played and you crawled and rolled around and stood up and pulled my hair and squealed. you have never been so patient in the morning and usually get sick of playing around on the bed a few minutes after i bring you into bed. it was the perfect start to any day and i felt so lucky to share those early morning moments with you on your birthday.

your grandparents all gathered for dinner to celebrate you and you entertained us all with you strength (mental and physical), goofiness, tenacity and sweetness. i had expected to rock you sweetly to sleep tonight and muse about you and capture my thoughts but i ended up negotiating with your brother through his freak out while your dad put you to sleep. you are indeed a second child. so far you don't seem to mind. you are anything but a pushover and your intensity amazes us most days but you love henry so much that you are usually happy to just be around him even if he isn't so sure. this won't sound fair to your brother but 3.5 can be a rough age and you two are finding your way in the world together. he loves you and you play so well together much of the time. i am certain that it is only a matter of months before you guys form an alliance against me and your dad and i think we will all be better for it. life is so much better now that you are here and watching you grow and develop and your personality emerge is the best thing in the world. you completed our family and i am committed to doing anything i can in this life to keep this family close and together and happy and in love. i'm no more certain about anything in the world than this.