Wednesday, November 08, 2006

unfounded fear

When I was thinking about getting pregnant again I had a little anxiety about how long it might take (I am such a planner) but knew from previous experience that it would probably happen and was prepared to be patient, as I had to be the first time. Well, it took all of a couple weeks, which surprised the hell out of me. This scenario (slow the first time, fast the second) was one I had heard about from several friends but what I wasn’t prepared for was the worry. As soon as I found out I was overcome with a sense of low-level uncertainty and worry. Not about the future or our lives or the commitment, simply about the health and wellbeing of this possible new child. Since I hadn’t been particularly worried about anything with Henry I worried that my nervousness was a sigh that something was wrong. No matter what I did I couldn’t shake it.

I started to mention it to my doctor and then midwife and then a few friends even though I was feeling paranoid and crazy. I was told by all that it is common to worry more with the second and that women just know more about what could go wrong the second time. I found this somewhat comforting in that I wasn’t alone but I still don’t buy into the rationale. My first pregnancy went fine, medically, and aside from what I’ve read on blogs I can’t say that I know much more about what could go wrong this time. The first time I read far more books and knew more about tests and timing, etc. It just doesn’t make sense that I should be more concerned after having a normal pregnancy, normal birth, and normal child. I am wondering if in my case it has to do with the first child himself. I think that my capacity for love and attachment and the desire to protect are so much stronger since his arrival in my life. My first pregnancy was full of naïve hope and anticipation of a complete unknown. This time I know a bit more about what I’m getting into and I’m scared as hell to get attached to this one in the same way when I can’t be certain everything will be okay. The first ultrasound did wonders for me and knowing that things looked good and normal and as expected relieved the majority of my fears. But as the weeks pass, I am feeling the need for confirmation again. We will have just one more ultrasound in about a month to determine gender and hopefully by then I will be feeling movement and that will suffice as my confirmation from that point forward. I know that my fears are not rational and deep down I really do think everything is fine, I just wish I could shake the uncertainty and move forward a bit more relaxed.



Anonymous Andy said...

I so much as mentioned the idea of having a second and I was pregnant.

It's the fear of colic (again) that keeps me up at night.

They say though, that the second one is almost much more relaxed, so I'm pretty much banking on that.

11/08/2006 7:44 PM  

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