how to piss me off and make me hate you forever

As our toddlers are making friends, ask how old my kid is and then say “Wow. He is so little. Oh my gosh, he’s really little. Yeah, short. He’s really, really short. Wow, so short.”

That means you, bitch at the Apple store today. And don’t think trailing off with, “what a cutie” as we were already walking away did you any good. You are, as my grandma would say, on my shit list. Forever.