life without instructions

born again

2012-02-02T19:17:00.001-08:00

So Henry was thinking that if he dies on a farm that the bugs and worms would come to him and the chickens would eat the worms that had eaten him and the chicken would lay an egg that would hatch into a baby chick and then the chick would lay and egg and the farmer would feed it to the farmer's daughter and when she grew up and had a baby girl he would be born as a baby again.

overheard

2011-12-02T14:52:00.001-08:00

mia to her friend: don't touch the bristles. it has saliva on it.

in a few years i might look back and think that was nothing at all to capture. let future me be reminded that mia was an exceptionally verbal 4-year-old with quite a vocabulary. on the other hand, hopefully memories of lies and constant trickery will have faded.

halloween

2011-11-01T20:56:00.001-07:00

h: i don't want the candy fairy to come after halloween this year.
m: but she will DIE if she doesn't get candy. right, mom? RIGHT?!
me: well, that's what some people say.

That was a few weeks ago and for the record, I never said that. She got it from a parent in preschool last year I think. The whole candy fairy thing actually went off without a hitch this year. The kids were happy with their toys, which were all gleaned from basement boxes of old things from our childhoods. Mia got a my little pony unicorn, doll and awesome unicorn under a rainbow bandana from the 80s and Henry got a slinky, light up yoyo and a light up up fan we confiscated from him several years ago. I was prepared to say that the candy fairy must have known he missed his old one but he didn't even remember it. Quite surprising considering the things he remembers from when he was absolutely tiny but I can't complain. I still don't like these sort of fabrications completely but it sure beats two kids hopped up on five pounds of cheap candy over the course of days and weeks.

of course

2010-12-06T20:08:00.001-08:00

Gosh, I'm sort of surprised this blog thing here still works. Life is moving at a blur with lots of sweet moments to watch it fly by. I can't ask for more.

Me: Mia, please wash your hands for dinner.
Mia: No, I already washed them.
Me: Yes, but then you went to the bathroom.
Mia: But I didn't touch the toilet!
Me: Really, how did you do that?
Mia: (quite matter-of-fact) I just used all of the muscles in my butt to climb up. Yep.
Me: Yep.

feeling the after shocks

2010-11-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

We should have gone all in on the candy fairy deal but I fear we dragged our feet for too long. It's hard to realize that seemingly rational kids are not rational at all and believe in all manner of strangeness and magic. They really are looking to us for direction and to set the rules. Sometimes I get it and other times I simply forget and remind myself to be more diligent the next time. This cryptic entry would make much more sense with an adorable Halloween photo but I have yet to sort through what's on my camera and it's way past my bedtime. Maybe tomorrow.

afloat

2010-09-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how fast I can go from confident about my kids to completely at sea. The whole back to school race was more stressful than it needed to be because I really didn’t plan ahead and found myself still digging up old rain pants and aprons on the first mornings. On the other hand, Henry returned to the same kindergarten class as last year and Mia started pre-school at Henry’s former school with his former teacher who I know and trust. She and Henry went to camp together this summer so she had the lay of the land to some extent. Generally, they have integrated easily and I am so much more at ease about everything at schools I know and like. It definitely made me realize how stressful the new school situation was for all of us last year. It’s a new schedule on al counts but I am feeling better about more time at work and the kids seem to come home happy and not too tired.

So, in short, new, slightly hectic but familiar and good. Mia hasn’t been thrilled about going some days but she’s brightened up as soon as we get there and been okay to see me go. After care has been a bit harder but she really likes the teacher and I think that will work itself out (for heaven’s sake, she’s only been 2 days). This morning though she really didn’t want to go to school at all (not so surprising for a Monday after 3 days off) but she managed to give me the biggest hug in the world and say bye to me. As I drove away I wondered if I am pushing her into something too soon. On the other hand, she is tough and adventurous and super social and so ready on so many levels. But still the doubt is there. The questions. Are we doing the best for her we can? Secondarily, the thought of coming up with a new at-home childcare situation for another year makes me queasy.

At dinner tonight we asked Henry about school and how painting went. A totally innocuous question as Monday is painting day and has never been any cause for discussion or concern of any sort. He told and retold the story of the day and with a little prodding and prying it came out that he had a “silly” day and had to spend much of it sitting out of activities. He told us about how silly other kids were and how they didn’t have to sit out, which makes me almost certain that he is being held to a higher standard because he knows the rules. He knows what’s expected. He’s done this before. And I’m fine with that, really. I just have such a hang up with good behavior and having him listen and follow directions. Last year was such a surprise and so nerve wracking for me, which played a major part in our decision for him to do k again. I didn’t think it would be good for any of us (Henry mostly though) to go through the stress of another year of difficulty meeting expectations, mostly in the silly and emotional departments. I guess I had sort of convinced myself that this year would be a breeze. He would have no issues. We were beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s fine, he’s a kid who was goofy in class. It didn’t even warrant a report from the teacher (then again I didn’t pick him up) but it was that old familiar pang of uncertainty. Sending them out into the world to navigate on their own is so tough right now (please tell me it gets easier). I want them to be strong and confident and independent as well as able to follow the basic and social conventions. Apparently it’s a taller order than anyone can deliver around here and I have to be okay with that.

I ran into Mia’s teacher at the grocery store after the kids were in bed tonight and she said that Mia stood right by her side all day and also that she loves having her there. Mia is her little friend I feel so lucky that she has such a sweet, amazingly patient teacher and we discussed whether or not she’s ready for this. We both think she’s just going through a transition period but it has me feeling a little sad and unsure about it all. In these moments I start wondering if I should be home schooling the kids and we should be looking for a farm. On one hand it sounds ridiculous and on the other it sounds awesome. Sadly, I doubt we’ll have it together for either of those things until the kids are starting junior high and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to work.

Not sure if I have come to any conclusions here but maybe I have at least written something that will remind me of how simple my concerns were when I’m dealing with bigger more complicated parenting issues. Then again, I don’t think I am much of a worrier these days. It’s more that I am letting go of my babies, watching them become people with lives and choices of their own and that’s no small thing indeed.

snowman in august

2010-08-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

quirks

2010-08-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

Words that I actually prefer Mia continue to mispronounce/misremember:

Teeter tots (Tater tots. God forbid she ever eat them but it's adorable.)
Hankey Doodle Dandy

I also enjoyed catching her singing, "you've got mud on your face, you're a big disgrace" to herself this morning. She completely denied it of course. What I don't enjoy in that department lately is Henry constantly singing or humming Miley Syrus (how do you spell that and don't get me started on how he was exposed to one insidious song. Hint, not on my watch.) or the Indiana Jones theme song. Surprisingly, I think the Indiana Jones is actually more annoying.

In other more anxiety-inducing news, both of my kids start school next week at different schools and with different schedules. I can't believe I'm sending my baby to school for the first time. Sigh. I also don't have any childcare and two huge projects to finish. After having so much time off this summer I am actually juggling it all pretty well and feeling mostly up to the task, which is such a welcome change.

pause

2010-07-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

My dear Henry,
A couple of weeks ago you turned 6. Historically I have made a point to put you to bed on your birthday (well, I always put you to bed but I especially try to be patient and make a longer event of it) and then sit down to write about you at that moment. This year we were in Montana and dealing with a lot of variables, some fun and others less fun. We celebrated your day for sure (you are still not thrilled that a party hasn't yet materialized this year) but I just haven't had it in me to sit down and write much. It's been an interesting summer so far of travel and camps and real camping and playing outside all day. I took some time off from work this month and while it hardly seemed like enough I got to spend more time focusing on you and Mia and remembering these days and ages and stories and jokes. For that alone it was totally worth it.

Last night you wanted to fall asleep in our bed and I came in to lay with you for awhile. We chatted about things that make us sad and I was reminded how similar you are to me as a child and even now. We are emotionally sensitive and not always sure how to process it. We have to be very careful with what we expose you to and help you make sense of it all. Thankfully I think I can do that for you, with you. We also laughed and talked about exciting things to come. It was the pleasant sweet moment I have been waiting for for weeks.

I left for a few minutes and told you I would return. You were so drowsy it would have been easy for me to go on with the evening clean up but I kept my word and came back. You were half asleep and said you were just wondering when I was going to come back and if I had forgotten. I told you that I would never forget you or the promises I make to you and you looked me in the eyes and nodded solemnly. We talked for a few more minutes before you finally fell asleep. Bedtime has not often been fun in our house but I am so thankful to have these precious little moments to help erase the whining and frustration and tears. The dishes can wait. I will always be here. I will always come back. Happy birthday, baby. Six is going to be a good year, I just know it.

now 10

2010-06-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

Right now I am acutely aware of how regularly being alone together without interruption starting at 10pm can be detrimental to one's relationship. And particularly a couple's ability to communicate.

now 9

2010-06-12T09:23:00.001-07:00

Right now I feel a little bit insane. Some of this has to do with extreme lack of sleep but moreover I had a really weird night the likes of which smacks of a vague familiarity from my early 20s. Somehow, and I seriously mean somehow, I stayed out until after 3am last night. After practically no sleep and a fair amount of anxiety, I wrote the following to my friend. I'm not sure if my in-laws being here to help with the kids this morning makes things better or worse. Ug.

Hey there,
I hope you slept better than I did! Does something about last night seem exceptionally weird to you? Yes, we get swept up talking but I swear I looked at my phone when I went to the bathroom and it said 10:15 and I figured we would be wrapping things up pretty soon. How in the world does one drink last for almost 5 more hours? Even if I read my phone wrong, even wildly wrong, there were no messages and Jason's million messages started at 1 so it had to have been at least 2 more hours. Not to mention that I was absolutely freezing but just keep thinking we would go in shortly but didn't move. It just doesn't seem fathomable that we talked for 7 hours. In any case, all I can come up with is that either rhubarb vodka is a time-altering drug or your back yard is some sort of timeless vortex. Aside from feeling really freaked out about the time I think I felt pretty normal otherwise. Give me a call if you feel like it and have a good day. I'm still waiting for all of the promised sun. A

now 8

2010-06-10T16:09:00.000-07:00

These days I am questioning everything. Sometimes it is exciting and refreshing and sometimes it is scary and tiring. Right now I am somewhere in the middle. Things are okay but they are about to change. I believe this is the calm before the storm. Or, maybe I'm actually int he eye of the hurricane. At least that means by my estimation that we are half-way to somewhere. I have 3 more weeks of work before we head off into the familiar and the unknown for awhile. It seems so close but so far away. Right now I will breathe through it all and try to smile a little more.

now 7

2010-06-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

Now, I am going to bed alone again. There is always a logical reason but it's not my ideal reality nonetheless.

every single time

2010-06-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Me or J or H: Hey, Mia what does N-O spell?
M: No!
Me or J or H: What about Y-E-S?
M. Cow.

now 6

2010-06-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what a decent day can do for perspective. I am now sitting in a quiet house with sleeping kids. I'm contemplating washing some walls to do a little touch up painting but may not manage it. We moved furniture and it looks pretty ratty at the moment. With two kids and a dog I'm not too worried about upkeep these days but with Jason's extended family coming this week I am compelled to put in a little more effort than usual, particularly sine I am likely to enjoy the results more than anyone. On the other hand, I have a pile of basil that needs attention before I can go to bed. The walls may have to wait.

A funny thing about my kids and bugs that I can't get out of my head. This morning both of them came stomping into my room practically shaking with fear and angst about a spider on the couch. Later today Henry found a moth in a toy truck outside and freaked out. Mia asked him if it stung and then why he was worried about it. I think the flying is the unpredictable and concerning thing there. Henry is petrified of bees (and so is Mia to some degree) after being stung on the tongue by one last year. On the flip side, they are crazy (in a good way) for worms, slugs, millipedes, grubs (which I wouldn't touch with my bear hands if you paid me), pill bugs, ladybugs, etc. They pick them up and carry them around and baby them and put them in jars. It's not uncommon to overhear Henry telling someone about his new pet(s), by which he means a bug in a jar. I get the stinging, biting thing but otherwise there is some lack of consistency here that I find at least slightly interesting.

now 5

2010-06-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sicker than anyone of hearing how tired I am. But seriously universe, what the fuck? Both kids got up last night and the dog had to go out 5 times in a 1.5-hour period and then still barfed under the bed at 6am.. This is life but the last 2 weeks have been so miserable in the sleep department that right now I don't feel like I can go on.

now 4

2010-06-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

Now I am feeling the affects of a day in the sun with the kids after a late night of fun. I am drowsy to the point of droopy. I was planning to wait for Jason to come home with chocolate but I fear I may not make it. Having the window open in the late evening is such a pleasure and one we have seen far too little of this year. I am enjoying the dusk and a quiet but messy house. Cleaning will have to wait.

now 3

2010-06-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Right now I feel like dredging up the past. Every six months of so something akin to the following rattles through my head as I try to fall asleep and then I work through it and move on. Or not. I don't know. I suppose distance helps but its' not going away. This is not the rationalized, balanced version of anything. This is the dark, raw emotion that doesn't seem to fade.

Dear miserable midwife,
You are a self-absorbed narcissist who likes to hear yourself talk. You are a miserable care provider and after having a difficult first birth during which I didn't feel supported or taken care of by you, God only knows why I solicited your help a second time. I suppose a known quantity seemed less daunting than the unknown. Besides I thought I knew what I had in store and could make the changes I wanted. Instead my health declined throughout the pregnancy and you added a huge degree of stress to my life. You are more judgmental and disconnected from the people right in front of you than you will ever know. When you finally made false statements to the Dr. in the hospital to make you sound knowledgeable (which you later denied outright when I confronted you) you destroyed my hope of anything even close to the birth I wanted and needed. Abandoning me after chipperly discussing her perfectly progressing home birth with another client in my hospital room for 5 minutes should have been the last straw but I figure that came a few days later when you told me how complicated my birth was and that you should have been paid more for it when you weren't even fucking there. This is after I paid your full fee and still faced HUGE hospital bills just days after major surgery and trauma. You have huge balls, that I can say for you. Why I didn't scream and tell you to fuck off in that moment is beyond me (and Jason). Politeness can be a liability. You over-committed and took on too much. You failed me. I have since run into several women in town who are all too happy to recount tales of terrible births under you care and a former colleague of yours told me she thought you went crazy. If only I had known sooner.

Dear despicable doctor,
You have absolutely the worst bedside manner I can possibly imagine. You may be a knowledgeable doctor but your interpersonal skills and lack of empathy are so horrendous it would be comical if not so traumatizing. Likening a birthing woman's labor to a "dead horse" is unforgivable. You withheld information to cover your ass and gave me no credit whatsoever for having any knowledge about what was going on with my own body. I believe you actually don't trust women at all and can't imagine why you are in this line of work. My skin crawls to think of being in the same room as you. I'm sure you think I should be thankful that my daughter I are alive and fine thanks to your all-but-forced surgery. Sadly, you have no clue the affect you have on women's lives every day and how your decisions and communication change the course of our histories.

This may not stay up. Hell, I may not even publish it. It feels like the kind of thing I should print out and burn in a ceremony but maybe putting it on the internet is sort of the same thing these days. Updated to note that I removed the names and feel much better about it. I'm not delusional and I have a ton of perspective on the issue, nonetheless I think this was as cathartic as I hoped it would be.

now 2

2010-06-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Now, I am full of Thai food and hoping it didn't have any wheat (soy sauce) in it. I am not looking forward to bedtime, which I should be initiating any minute. I wish I didn't have to keep knowing, seeing, hearing about the oil spewing into the ocean but it seems to be a popular topic and unavoidable one around here. More, I wish it wasn't happening in the first place. I just finished the first crossword puzzle of the day and have more graphic design work to look forward to instead of relaxing tonight. Right now Mia is yelling at me about how her hand is missing in a little black velvet bag and has moved on to trying to stuff my mouse into it as I type. Henry is bouncing a big purple ball and holding forth on the details of the behaviors of people in the lego development he just finished. I really hope the kids go to sleep without much fuss and trauma tonight.

now 1

2010-06-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

Now, I am tired and thinking about too many work projects but not working on them. I am listening to Jason video chat w/a friend about fixing her computer. I am drinking a little pink rhubarb vodka in water. I am thinking about sleep and trying not to think about tomorrow. I am not doing the dishes or fixing another friend's website or making Henry's snack or taking a shower. Now, I am going to do a crossword puzzle in bed.

morning play

2010-05-29T10:34:00.001-07:00

Often the kids play for awhile before we get out of bed depending on how early they wake up. Lately that have been sleeping in great (7:20 woohoo) but not the last couple of mornings so I told them to play quietly.

day 1:
M: let's build a hot house.
H: no, the heat's not on.
H: do you want to play with tracks (car)?
M: no.
H: let's go stare at the TV and pretend it's on.
M: okay!

On the following morning, they are up really early and mumbling stuff back and forth by my head when I tell them to go to their room. I remember dreaming about some random dialog and thinking I would write it down but then I forgot it altogether. Until, that is, I heard from Mia running into my room and right up to my ear, "maaaamaaaaaa, there's a bad pig in the hallway!" Right, "let's play bad pigs" was what I had forgotten. I have no idea what it means or where it came from but I'm pretty sure I will never forget it.

mother's day

2010-05-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely day today by the way. Sleeping in, hugs and kisses, the farmer's market, grocery store, eating in the sun, working in the yard, cooking a fancy but simple dinner (scallops w/creamy tarragon onion sauce, baby turnips and almond chocolate cookies), crossword puzzles, lazy evening. Tonight Jason hugged as we came in from the yard.
J: I'm glad you're the mother of my children. I'm glad we have kids together. I love you and don't want you to feel under appreciated.
Me: I'm just over worked, not under appreciated.
J: Damn! It's a easier for me to appreciate you than do more work.
Me: Yep. A little less talk and a little more action please.

Things are good and they are getting better over the years in terms of me feeling like I don't have to do more than my share around the house and with kids. Much of it has to do with my expectations. Well, some of it. I'll take all of the appreciation and action I can get but I'm happy with what I have.

in due time

2010-05-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

I just realized that every little project that I want to get done will get done. It will. It's just that I still have no ability to project when. Often I can be really productive and energetic and focused for days. Things seem to all line up. I can compartmentalize and feel good about it. I can be creative or industrious or both. Then life gets in the way again and I have no idea how long it will be until I can manage much beyond the daily responsibilities of school, work, snacks, lunch, breakfast dinner, baths, bedtime, picking up, dropping off. Then I wonder how I will ever get anything done again. And then I do. Everything that matters even a little bit will get done I just have no idea when and I will be a lot better off if I can just remember that.

happy birthday, big girl

2010-04-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Mia,
Today is your birthday but we did most of our celebrating yesterday at your party and throughout the day with your grandparents. We are all sick and tired but managed to have a nice day and I was so happy to lay with you and listen to you chatter before you fell asleep tonight. My big three-year-old girl. You have so many questions and observations and recollections I wish I could write them all down. This week you looked out the window and saw the boy across the street spraying water on the lawn and exclaimed, “hey that’s a big spraying mantis!” A few days later when Jessica came to take care of you and told you about Tony’s fender bender, you asked a few minutes later why he had a “thunder bunder.” The best word to describe your personality is intense with a capital “I.” You get so angry that you just stand with your mouth as wide as it will open and yell for the world to hear and yesterday you got hurt and declared that you were “angry at the whole world.” On the other hand you are incredibly cuddly and loving. I can’t imagine many kids your age give as tight of hugs as you do. You hold on with your whole body and don’t let go. I love it more than you can imagine. Sometimes when our faces are close to each other you take my cheeks in your hands and pat them and make your eyes maniacally wide and grin and say “hi mom.” I hope you always have the ability to melt my heart like this. I worry some days about the inevitable challenges that mothers and daughters seem to have and desperately hope we can avoid it even though I don’t know if that’s possible. I have seen it a few times so I know it can happen and I just hope we can figure it out. I feel like I understand you so well right now that maybe, just maybe, that understanding and connection will persevere. No matter how our interactions and relationship changes over time I know that I will always love you more than you can imagine.

This year you mastered riding a tricycle and are close to moving from your balance bike to a real bike. You are strong and coordinated and loving your recent community center gymnastics class. Having Henry to follow is a big part of it but your are both naturally comfortable and in control of your bodies most of the time. Speaking of which, thank you for potty training yourself well over a year ago. When I see other 3-year-olds still in diapers I am very thankful for your tenacity and commitment to the potty at such an early age and thankful that we haven’t had to deal with diapers for so long.

You and Henry have your ups and downs. You immediately want to be with the other first thing in the morning, which isn’t hard since you share a room but inevitably one of you wakes the other up too early. Some days you play beautifully together for hours and some days you aggravate each other more than anything. Often it is a mix but really you do love each other and both care more about telling each other about the events of your days than you do telling your daddy or me. We are all very fortunate to have each other and this isn’t lost on me very often. I could have done without the recent weeks of early spring illness but otherwise our lives are pretty great most days. You wake up smiling and happy and usually fall asleep the same way. Really, I couldn’t ask for anything else.

remembering

2010-04-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

We are doing a birthday celebration in Henry's class tomorrow since he has a July birthday. I spent a ton of time and effort on some hippy chocolate chip cookies full of dates, almond butter and quinoa flour. No kidding. I think it was probably worth it but I like the idea a lot more than the process or the product. In typical Waldorf fashion, we need to say something about each year of his life. Having been there every day you would think we could come up with some nice memories without consulting the iphoto library. Not so much. Without those photos we would be lost or at least wandering.

not exactly what mr. crow had in mind

2010-04-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

The parents in Henry's class helped make little rag dolls out of handkerchiefs with wool hair for each child. They are delivered several a day by Mr. Crow and the teacher is told which baby would like to go with which child. The babies stay in the classroom until the end of the year for the children to play with and having seen it first hand I can say the kids are pretty excited about the arrival of new little ones each morning. They have names like gladiola, marigold and poppy. Henry got his today and its (they are sort of gender neutral) name is mistletoe. He figured that was probably because his teacher knew he likes missiles. Hmmmm is all I have to say about that.

sweetness

2010-04-08T20:16:00.001-07:00

This morning, way too early, after I had been up multiple times dealing with requests from both kids, I was settling back down in bed for another half-hour while they were supposed to be resting still or playing quietly. Mia knows the early morning drill but nonetheless came bounding in and said, "I want to talk to you." I politely declined and told her to go back to her room. "can I get in bed with you?" came next. No thanks. Then, "Can I just stand here and smile at you?" How could I resist that? I couldn't and that's exactly what she did. Standing right by my pillow her head is at exactly the same height as mine laying down and she stood there for multiple minutes just smiling, grinning even wider each time I fluttered my eyes open and smiled back. Really, I can't imagine a sweeter way to begin the day, early or not.

busy indeed

2010-04-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

tiger: bee, come here and have some breakfast
bee: no, i already ate breakfast. i had some dirt. i am here in my little dirt house but i need to go do some work on my computer now.
tiger: okay.

easter

2010-04-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

Given that it's stormy and cold and not at all lovely we have been inside for the last couple of days. Easter was no exception but the whole affair (focused on a breaking and entering rabbit much more than anyone rising from the dead) turned out to be pretty fun. Jason and I went a little nuts with craft projects for the kids and turned the egg hunt into a scavenger hunt form one egg to the next with little pictures. My parents came over for brunch and we probably made the kids wait too long but I was hell bent on them eating a good meal before getting into their "natural" jelly beans in the eggs. We also we not clear enough about the whole easter bunny thing in terms of what he did and didn't do and Henry, alway the practical one, had dozens of questions about how a bunny could do anything but he clearly wants to believe so I was, as usual, noncommittal and vague and we'll let that go one more year. Mia on the other hand is still waiting for this mystical bunny because she wants to "chase him around the house" and can't imagine anything more fun or how things could possibly work any other way.

the difference a day makes

2010-04-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

The oil tank no longer leaks, the dishwasher has been fixed, I got a decent night's sleep last night, my parents have the kids for the night, we just had some delicious sushi right before the line extended out the door. We sort of cleaned before we went out to dinner so we came home to a clean house and now I am going to read and maybe watch an artsy documentary. I am feeling lucky.

April fools indeed or maybe it's Mercury in retrograde?

2010-04-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

Things, they are better and worse. We are healthy and fine but our dishwasher is dead (3-months old), as of this morning our oil tank in the basement is leaking (again!), Jason's car is threatening to fall apart for good and we just started new child care arrangements that are literally different every single day of the week. First world problems I suppose though I may be going insane. But, probably not. However I have been having crazy, angry nightmares for days as well. On the plus side, the sun is shining, I am working from home in my pajamas (I do have some deadlines today), kids have been sort of sleeping in since daylight savings time started, and I finished our taxes this week. It will all be fine. It is all fine. I think breakfast and a shower will help immensely in convincing me of that. To be continued...maybe every day this month. Lucky you. Happy April!

the same

2010-03-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

So much illness. So little sleep. The kids went to the doctor and probably don't have anything warranting antibiotics but we're not sure. We'll wait it out for a few days but, God, I really don't think I can do another night like last night, or the previous 7 for that matter. I have also been dealing with our fucking work email not working all day and 12 emails w/tech support who are clearly fucking incompetent in this matter. Now they want info from the office, which they don't actually need and aren't going to get over the weekend. If this isn't fixed fast we may be looking at a provider switch and, man, I don't want to deal with that as much as I don't want to deal with this tech support. I need to get kids out of the bath now who are calling for me like sad cats, sad and whiny cats with laryngitis.

trudging on

2010-03-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

Only a couple of days in and I already missed a day. I remembered it last night laying in bed with a sick Mia who had finally given up kicking and screaming and was sleeping holding two of my fingers in her warm little hand. I couldn't and didn't dare pull myself away. It has been a hell of a few days of sick kids and very little sleep. Mia has been a demon all night, kicking and screaming and fighting in between little naps of an hour or less. I feel more delirious and crazy than I did with newborns, mostly I suppose because it is so unexpected. She seems better tonight but Henry is coughing so hard he can hardly breathe so I have little hope of a decent night. So it goes. More soon when sleep and a little sanity return.

a different day

2010-03-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

Last night I was feeling sort of ho hum when I posted and then a couple hours later got an email from my nanny (and friend) that she needs to change her life and quit working for us. I got all wrapped up in planning for the change and stayed up way too late over-thinking everything before we even had a chance to talk. Then I got annoyed at Jason for falling asleep on the couch and went off to bed. I am usually asleep before 11 but the hours passed by and I got up to take Henry to the bathroom around 1. It was almost 2 am as I was about to fall asleep and then Mia started screaming and didn't really stop. She was super hot and inconsolable and thought she was going to throw up. I ended up "sleeping" with her for the rest of the night, getting kicked and yelled at every hour, and waking up at 5:30 when Henry did. We didn't have the nanny come over and I did get a nap with Mia this morning but needless to say I am a complete wreck and got very little work done. Amazingly I did cook several things from scratch for dinner and half cleaned the kitchen. That's about all I can claim for the day. I am off to pass out now and desperately hope that I won't be beckoned before 6 am. Knock on wood. I hear Henry coughing a bit now so my hopes may be dashed but I have learned not to worry about that for now at least.

goodbye, dark days

2010-03-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

February was a long short month. We had some lovely, sunny and warmish days so I can hardly complain about the usual grey and cold but still, it is winter. I haven't been out much, socially that is, and I've been holed up trying to get things organized, including our finances and closets. The kids just had low level colds and have been crabby as hell. I can't help but notice around school and online how many people I know are making trips to Hawaii, Mexico, South America. Some day I vow to have the time, foresight and money for a tropical vacation in the middle of winter myself. My hormones have been a train wreck for no good reason but I think I'm finally on the other side of that so things may be looking up from my perspective, which is probably the most influential one in this little house in the end. Work is drudgerous even though I have it really, really easy all things considered. Spring, I need you. The lovely crocus and daffodils in our yard certainly help. Henry was starting to drift off to sleep the other night and asked when the tarragon would be back (the kid is a fanatic for it straight off the bush) and it was so nice to show him the next morning how it is poking through the ground, sprawling across the bits of previous years' old growth. If I can only keep the kids from demolishing it leaf by leaf before it gets big and strong that will be a feat. So, very little things here to start but maybe with the status quo out of the way I can move forward with more interest, fun and introspection. Well, maybe not so much introspection. I think there's been plenty of that to go around, I'm just not writing it down.

back at it

2010-02-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

Blogs that aren't updated frequently always make me suspect. I question the author's motivation and commitment. Why should I put the time in to read if they aren't going to keep writing?* And here I am. One of the worst examples of leaving a blog fallow there is. I will argue that I have no clear goal or motivation for this little blog and that I am much too tired to bother. It is true but still I can't help but push myself on occasion and make the commitment to post every day for a bit no matter how mundane or annoying an exercise. So, for the next month I have a plan. I will be here every day, likely right before bedtime because I forgot to fit it in otherwise.

*This is a bit overly dramatic. I really don't judge people for their lack of attention to their blogs but it is true, and reasonable I think, that I don't tend to follow people who don't write with some frequency.

bad times

2010-02-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

Bedtime makes me want to kick a hole in something, eat a chocolate cake, and take drugs, not necessarily in that order. Almost every night. Seriously, we have to be doing something wrong here. This cannot be normal. It cannot be this hard for most children to fall asleep without screaming, whining, crying, demanding, begging and fighting to name a few. I'm sure it won't last but I have no idea what to do to get us through. My crying babies were frustrating but they never made me angry. This business with an almost-3-year-old and 5-and-a-half year old, it makes me angry.

the awesomeness of playing restaurant

2010-01-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

This is pretty much verbatim from tonight's ongoing restaurant play. I got Jason to tape the couple of minutes that follow this, which I should probably transcribe as well, before Henry caught him and got annoyed. I have no idea where some of these things come from. None whatsoever. It's amazing how serious they both are about their roles and the tone of the whole thing. Henry plays a diligent if not somewhat brusque waiter/chef/restaurant owner. I just heard Mia say, "I have to go pee. Where's the bathroom?"

h: What would you like?
m: Fish and chips.
h: We have fish but we don't have french fries
m: You don't have french fries for dinner?
h: No.
m: Okay.
h: So, what would you like? The fish combo?
m: Yeah, the fish combo.
me from the other room: what's in the fish combo?
(silence)
h: What would you like for your baby? The baby bottles are free.
m: Yeah, she wants milk.
(much clanging of pots and pans and shuffeling between the table and kitchen is going on the whole time)
h: Okay so is that all you want?
(Mia is also pretending to read the menu while holding her baby)
m: Um, yeah. I want fish and chips.
h: I already told you we don't have that. Just the fish.
h: So are you wanting the baby meal to come first or the adult meal? The baby first? The adult one first?
m: Um, okay.
h: Oh, yeah, I just want to remind you that the fish combo has lemon juice in it. So, it's kind of strong.
m: Lemon juice?
h: Yes.

...Apparently our guest now has a birthday party coming soon and they want chicken but the restaurant doesn't have chicken...the story continues...it's her cousin's birthday and she's turning 2 and a half...

year in review

2010-01-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well, this isn't really a review but some year-end-analysis-type-thoughts have been kicking around my brain for the last few days. It was a hard year. There was a lot of illness (like J was sick for 9-months and is still not quite over it) and Henry started a new school with many bumps along the way. I have had extra responsibilities at work and don't feel like I have been holding up super well. It was also a good year. Despite the rough patches and lack of sleep (still!!), we got a lot done and had some fun too. We did home improvements, including garden boxes on the side of the house for more food growing and completely re-working our old office to move the kids into it, took more trips than usual, had more visitors than usual, cooked a lot and amassed some lovely memories with our amazing kids.

I was feeling really good and optimistic when I meant to write this last week but going back to work and school today, after a rough, anxious night's sleep, really smacked me down. Things are super hectic at work and all I really want to do is sleep. Really, I am fine (this is my mantra, right?) and having a moment of adjustment here but taking so much unscheduled time off over the last couple of weeks did less to rejuvenate me and more to make me question what in the hell I think I am doing with my life. Taking care of kids and a house day in and out is hard for sure but I get it. I can do it. I'm pretty good at it. Throwing the constant call of work responsibilities and multi-tasking and imminent deadlines on top of it just sucks right now. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. At least not doing all of it well and no matter how much I plan I simply can't devote the time and attention to food, the house and my family that I really want to. And that, may or may not be something I can change. I have these stuck moments every once in awhile (probably mostly in the winter but not every year by any means) and it's always a curious thing, deciding whether I am going to change my life or simply my outlook and if either is really possible.

it's complicated

2009-12-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

Life is so hard to sort out for little kids (and their parents) these days. We have the age old question floating around the house about how are babies made, where does wind come from (?!), when will I die, and do people live on other planets. Add to that issues about the disparity between real and fictionalized dinosaurs, pirates, and princesses, with a seasonal dose of Santa, flying reindeer and elves who make presents. Don't even get me started on the elves, gnomes and fairies that inhabit the Waldorf kindergartner's kingdom. I can hardly keep it all straight and I refuse to lie, opting for a lot of shrugging and, "I don't know. What do you think?" I don't really have a point here but I did get a kick out of Henry and Mia's play the other day in which Henry made her pay a fee of a hacky sack in a measuring cup to board his spaceship bound for mars with her babies. Shortly thereafter they told us they were, "Christmas pirates sailing the sea, visiting other pirate ships, to give them treats you can eat. And weapons."

questionable

2009-12-04T22:07:00.000-08:00

In the car today we drove by a Mexican mercantile type store with a clothing display in the window. Out of nowhere:

Mia starts yelling and cackling: boobs! boobs! boobs!
Henry: what is she talking about?
Me: I don't know what's she's talking about.
Mia: I'm talkin' about boobs! boobs! boobs!

And she was. There was no possible way to keep myself from laughing. In all fairness they were pretty scantily clad mannequins. And this isn't coming from some cute little kid who is learning to talk and pointing out embarrassing things. She knows how to talk quite well and generally be appropriate in public, except when she isn't.

day 30

2009-11-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

I have to say that 30 days of posting wasn't too tough his year but I don't feel like I turned out much of interest either. I suppose that's what a month of hectic work, two kids and several illnesses will give me. On the up side, I am feeling much more like keeping up some occasional posting instead of retreating for the hills like I have in the past. More frequent updates on whatever. I actually have a plan for a couple of regular topic-driven series of entries but I won't make any promises until I can get that started. So, I am starting yet another very busy month at work and looking forward to some time off after that. Jason's parents will be here (not staying in our little house!) for almost 2 weeks around Christmas, which is a first that will hopefully pan out well. I always say I will keep things small and easy for the holidays but already have running lists of crafts, projects and gifts, as well as home improvement projects. I'll do what I can to keep up.

tree hunting

2009-11-29T14:04:00.000-08:00

I couldn't have asked for a lovelier day (clear, blue sky and warm) to drive up toward Mt. Hood (or, Mountain Hood, as Mia calls it) and pick out a Christmas tree from the same family we have been visiting there for years. I also couldn't have asked for less cooperative children when it came to standing still and maybe, possibly considering a smile, and certainly not while both in the same photo, oh, no. Even with a lack of documented proof, it was a lovely outing. Decorating went pretty well also and I was particularly happy to find that Henry is much less of an ornament clumper this year.

like a glove

2009-11-28T19:23:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving at my parents', I asked Henry to put his hand in my clay handprint from kindergarten. It looked really small to me but his hand fit perfectly. I didn't think he would even humor me by trying but he was really excited and more than happy to take a picture. I suppose I should work on making a handprint for him about now as well.

hardly worthwhile

2009-11-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

This is at least the 4th time this month that I have gone to bed and remembered the blog commitment a few minutes later. Each time I think I won't bother to get up and then I do. Particularly given that is is day 27, I can hardly give up now. And, in each case I have nothing much to say. I have already committed to bed and sleep so this is another half-assed post that technically means I have posted yet another day but nothing more than that.

happy thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T20:13:00.000-08:00

We just got back from my parents' house after a good dinner and some hanging around. The kids are still there, which makes it nice and quiet and easy here. I am definitely thankful for that. We asked the kids what they are thankful for and this morning Henry repeated something we had read in a book about being thankful to bees for honey and trees for apples but when I asked at dinner tonight what his favorite thing is lately he said with a straight face and not an ounce of sarcasm, "for a wonderful mother like you." If he were a year older or maybe a different kid it could have been a completely canned response that he thought we expected but it wasn't and I loved it. Mia would like the world to know that she is thankful for pumpkin pie. Fair enough. I am focusing on how easy my life really is and how surrounded I am by funny, thoughtful and sweet people. For that I am very thankful.

easy

2009-11-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

Trashed kitchen, not to mention the rest of the house, but at least I have a lovely looking pumpkin cheesecake cooling in the oven. Tomorrow will be low key with my parents after a (hopefully) easy morning here. Keeping the expectations low at this point seems to be a good idea. So, a little trash tv instead of cleaning and I'm off to bed. That's all for now.

not the muppet

2009-11-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

Laying in bed with Henry tonight, he turns over and settles in. We often have little chats or clarifications on the day at this point, mostly fairly banal but some nights confounding.

H: Don't you just love St. Elmo's Fire?
Me: (stifling a laugh and a wtf?) Um, I'm not sure what you are talking about. Let's go to sleep.
H: You know, the song.
Me: (digging way back into my memory banks and coming up with some vague John Hughes' references and nothing more. also wondering who has played this for him. dad or nanny being the only two possibilities.) Right. I guess.
H: Why is it called St. Elmo's Fire? Was there a person St. Elmo's Fire?
Me: Yeah, probably a long time ago.
H: He's probably the one who discovered Elmo.
Me: (really stifling a laugh) That's a different Elmo.
H: Why is there another Elmo?

Things tapered of from there fairly uneventfully and he was asleep in a few minutes. Ah, the little moments I don't want to forget. I particularly like this idea of Elmo being discovered, plucked from obscurity and rising to super stardom. Also, I haven't dug up the song yet, which I suspect I will find on Jason's itunes, but I did look up the reference and it will give us something good to discuss tomorrow. Thank God for the internet.

ug

2009-11-23T21:29:00.000-08:00

I spent the whole day in bed. It was clean and quiet and I spent the day alone. Sadly it was completely wasted with nausea, pain and vomiting. I think it's over now but it's unbelievable how we just seem to be jumping from one unpleasant interruption to another.

dirty and not in a good way

2009-11-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

Every few weeks or so, particularly after a tiring time with illness or what have you, I breathe a sigh of relief at being almost barely on top of shopping, cooking, feeding, bathing, vacuuming, prepping for a school and work week, scheduling appointments, managing tight cash flow, etc. All I have left in front of me is getting the kids to sleep and dong a little more food prep or cleaning for the week. Sometimes it's even after the kids are finally sleep and things are quiet that I realize the one thing I have forgotten to schedule in is a shower for myself. Showering isn't a bad thing at all and not very complicated, save for the mass of wet hair on a cold night, but I hate this realization more than almost anything. Why can't I just forget to fold the laundry or buy vegetables? Actually I do forget those things on occasion as well but it doesn't bother me nearly as much. Here I sit with soggy wet hair trying to figure out which loose end to tie up last before it all starts over again.

much too much

2009-11-21T21:16:00.001-08:00

One of those days (following one of those nights) that no one wants to hear about and I can't bear to write about. Everyone is fine I think but very tired and strung out. Hopeful for a decent night's sleep and a better day tomorrow. Time will tell.

the differences are staggering

2009-11-20T22:56:00.001-08:00

Mia has a cold and was being a pain at bedtime so I rocked with her for awhile. She asked for cheese and I told her it would make her snottier and that she couldn't have it. Had I said the same thing to Henry (which I'm pretty sure I have) when he was 2.5 or, um, yesterday, he would have likely responded with a freak out such as, "No it doesn't! But I want it. I'm so hungry. Please. Please. Please! It isn't fair." and possibly throw in an, "I never get cheese. Why do I neeeever eeeeever get cheese?" But, Mia in this instance replied "I want snot. I want more snot. I want snot and cheese!" Way to roll with it kid. Which is not to say that she doesn't throw colossal tantrums. Oh, she does but she is also a bit more flexible and understands the power of humor even though she still didn't get any cheese.

progress

2009-11-19T22:07:00.000-08:00

Finally today I am feeling almost completely well. This is good since I had a lot of work to do, had to do dinner and bedtime on my own (for the kids that is), and our fucking oil tank is leaking. Even thought things are a mess around here still I have this intense drive to start something new, a project of some sort. Yet I have no idea what it will be. Talking with friends tonight about getting pregnant (them) and remodeling things I feel a little envious. I want to be embarking on something new and fun and creative. I want to plan. On the other hand I am completely bogged down with uncertainly and trepidation about Henry's school. I think all I really need is sleep but I know from experience that a project will materialize and become clear. I just hope it's more exciting than finally organizing the basement.

a rare moment

2009-11-18T18:40:00.000-08:00

I hate to imply that the best thing my family can do is leave me alone but it's 6:40 and they are all happily asleep. No one is even sick and they didn't put up a fight. Jason isn't down for the night and, truth be told, I don't mind it when he hangs around me in the evening (which he actually never does but that's another story) but otherwise this is quite a luxury. I am printing a crossword puzzle, going to making some herbal tea and curling up on the couch. In this moment this is all I could ever ask for.

10 years

2009-11-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

Because I am still sick and tired, I will go with more photos. It has actually been a nice excuse to look through some old photos. As of recently I have my screensaver set up to cycle randomly through the 9,136 (holy shit, who needs that many photos!?) photos in my iphoto library so the kids get fixated on old shots of themselves and glimpses into our lives before them and people they have hardly met. Today I am pulling a few of the only photos we took on our 10-year (13 together) anniversary weekend away in September. It takes me about that long (a couple of months) to be able to see photos, of myself particularly, for what they are and not fixate on the unsightly bits. So, there you have it. I would post wedding shots or something older for comparison but those were from the days of print and I haven't scanned anything, which also means that the almost 10,000 digital photos represent only 7 years. We definitely look a lot older but still pretty happy overall.

slow road

2009-11-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

Still fighting this cold and we had a horrendously bad night last night full of nightmares and other childhood issues that had me and both kids up for much of the night between 12 and 4am. Amazingly I had enough energy and brain power to get Henry out the door, do some needed work, pick him up, work a little more, clean up a bit, get a short massage (at home- I can't say how great it is to have a massage therapist with free time in the family), contribute to dinner and bed, do dishes, do a tiny bit more work, and watch some mediocre tv. That is it. I am off to sleep, desperate for an uninterrupted night. We'll see.

under the weather

2009-11-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

In a rare twist, I am the only one sick in this house. You would think that's a reasonable configuration but not so much. It's nothing major so far, just a cold with some isolated symptoms and a lot of fatigue. I did get to rest much of the day, if you can call it that. I didn't have to do much but nothing much got done and it all happened at high volumes so it feels like a bit of a waste. I guess moms can't really get a day off in any case. I'm off to sleep off what I can and hope for a little better day tomorrow.

nostalgia

2009-11-14T20:55:00.000-08:00

There is simply no way I can have another baby. I keep saying I will spend more time with friend's babies but that is hardly practical. And, really there's just nothing like having one's own babies and watching them grow up. At least I have photos and hazy memories. Sigh.

wistful

2009-11-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

Searching through photos that are making me wish for warmer days. This grey, cold, wet fall has been somewhat of a large adjustment this year. I am just not ready to welcome winter.

another day

2009-11-12T22:09:00.001-08:00

One more of those days at the end of which I need to collapse. We're not sick and things aren't particularly more difficult than usual but I just don't have the energy for anything. I spent the morning in Henry's kindergarten class and it was barely managed chaos and more than a little disappointing. I'm confused. This is where we wanted him and it's relatively okay but really not the experience I imagined. I am reeling a bit and trying to figure out how much I want to say and to whom. We have a conference in a couple of weeks, which will be a good step but I think I might need to do more before then. Too much to think through and a lot of behind the scenes conversations. Then again, as Jason reminds me, "It's just kindergarten." Surprisingly that does help a bit. Ack, I have a kid calling for me for water. Off to bed it is.

lacking a point

2009-11-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

Is it really worth it to post just to keep up with the everyday thing even though I want to go to bed and have nothing to say? Well hardly, but I am sort of obsessive when I give myself a challenge, especially a quasi-public one. Also, if I don't post now then I probably won't tomorrow either and knowing me it could be the first of the year before I log in again. And that, I don't want. There may not be much worthwhile to say today but I have high hopes for at least a few more days this month. So, there it is, phoning it in, as it were. Carry on.

happy together

2009-11-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

They have changed even since last month but this is a nice moment to remember. Henry and Mia do fight every day to some degree, sometimes quite intensely, but I am thrilled by how much they play together and have fun together and really enjoy each other's company. For awhile Mia was more interested in Henry than she was in him but these days it is often pretty mutual. he looks out for her and she makes him laugh. They boss each other around and defend each other. Watching them together is one of my favorite parts of every day.

placeholder

2009-11-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

It got to late and today was too hectic of a Monday that began before 5am. I am off to bed with little ability to form complete sentences. I suppose I could tell you how my boss filled a vial with saliva while I ate lunch in the common space in the office but really who would believe that?

sunday

2009-11-08T19:57:00.001-08:00

I would consider a longer post, perhaps one about the challenges of kindergarten, but I have design work due tomorrow and it's 8pm. I went to a nice book club this afternoon and returned to two smiling kids in pajamas w/teeth brushed. So very nice. I then spent almost 2 hours getting the small one to sleep but so it goes. This was a good weekend but I really feel like I need three-day weekends on a somewhat regular basis. Around here weekends are for getting cleaned up, doing projects, cooking, having fun, relaxing, and sleeping in no particular order. On any given two-day weekend (aka most of them) we generally accomplish four of the six at most and that simply isn't enough any way you add it up.

birth control

2009-11-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

If I ever think about having another baby just tell me to have a dinner party or plan any other exciting thing and tell Henry about it beforehand. We are having friends over (any minute!) and Henry has literally asked what time it is (even though he can pretty much tell time) and when they are coming and are they here yet (do you not have functioning eyes or ears?) for 2 hours straight. I would guess that he has probably asked/whined 200 times in that 2 hours. Mia just keeps replying that they will be here in "a couple a minutes," which doesn't please him. He has me really hoping they will be here soon too and that my ears will not suffer irreparable harm before that occurs. Thankfully for me K is bringing drinks.

calm

2009-11-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

It's simply amazing what part or a day without kids can do for me. They are spending the night with my parents and left late afternoon. Jason and I cooked an early dinner together, which was quite good. It's the first time I can remember spending the evening at home doing normal things while the kids were away. Usually we eat out, see people, or do projects around the house. We watched Away We Go, which I quite enjoyed. It was perfectly odd and quirky and emotional without being wrenching or upsetting or overwhelmingly happy either. I cried multiple times but not too hard. It was touching. As surreal and strange as it all was, it felt very real. Also we liked the sound track. Two thumbs up. And, it's not even very late now. I am going to fold a few clothes and go to bed, tired and happy. Things would be perfect if we didn't have to get up and go to meetings at Henry's school, but that's life. I may not get to sleep in or clean as much as I would have hoped, but actually, things are still pretty great.

low level

2009-11-05T19:58:00.000-08:00

The kids are still waking up between 5 and 6 am and I just barely got Mia down at 8 pm. Henry is coughing and tossing and turning although he isn't really what I consider sick. I had a very hectic day at work and didn't get things as finished as I wanted to. The dishes are dirty and there are toys everywhere. I have a huge box of organic herbs that I was so excited to get half-strewn around the living room and kitchen unpacked by kids instead of myself. The rain is pouring down. Don't even get me started on Jason's going-on-seven-month-illness and spontaneous rash that could last for up to two months. Nothing is exactly bad but nothing is particularly great either. I don't know what is going to push us over the edge to feeling better all around and I don't know how to go about finding it. I'm pretty sure that tv isn't going to help but that's all I can muster at the moment. That and crossing my fingers and hoping with all of my might for a decent night's sleep. Really, that's probably what we all need the most.

goodbye, army guys

2009-11-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

I am feeling grouchy and annoyed. Today was a stressful day but it was the kind of stressful comprised of a bunch of dumb, random things all happening at once and it's hardly worth detailing. But, here I am still grumpy nonetheless. Laying down with Henry tonight, he started rambling all sorts of things about needing more army guys and tanks fighting monster trucks and it hit me really hard. I know he has some exposure to such things, even at the Waldorf schools and more so from our neighbors but I have been trying not to worry too much about sheltering him and getting worked up about low levels of exposure to video games and unappealing cartoons and multi-level marketed toys. But, really I hate the crap and if I hate it enough to keep it out of our house then why in the hell haven't I been trying harder to keep it out of our lives altogether? The kid is 5 and I don't have a lot more time to control his surroundings. Soon I will have even less choice about what he sees and does. I feel much worse about the fact that I have let this happen than that it has happened. I feel guilty. When Henry goes to play with our neighbors (who are decent kids with parents I really like) on occasion, my house gets quieter and my life feels easier for an hour. I have been taking the peace and quiet without really considering the price. I need to hold my ground about things that are important to me whether they are easy or not. A bit dramatic perhaps but that's where I am right now. A bit of a half-baked rant as we near the end of this dark, frustrating day.

my whole self

2009-11-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

It's only day three here and I am tired and looking for a quick post. Long day in which I may have eaten too much stashed Halloween candy. I saved a few pieces for Jason, that I may have forgotten to tell him about, and then we traded the kids a toy for their candy when the begging and whining became too much. They look so small and unassuming but when you work at home and eat one every couple of hours it can add up to some major brain fog. Oh, and then I made caramel apples tonight. An aside, honey and cream and a touch of sea salt make lovely caramel. I will be experimenting more soon.

Where was I going with this? Hard to say but Mia said something yesterday that I don't want to forget. There is way too much unfortunate language in this house and not because I can't stop swearing in front of my children. I have really reeled it in after Jason made it clear how unpleasant it was. No, it's the garden variety "stupid" with a lot of "poop" and "farts" thrown in and recently there has been a whole lot of "I hate this/that/him/her." This is one of my least favorites but I remember doing it as a kid and I could tell it bothered my mom (on an emotional level) which gave me more leverage than it should have or than I wanted. Unfortunate. In any case, I am not bothered on any fundamental level by hearing that they hate things or even me (oddly I find it kind of amusing- all of that intense emotion over the smallest bump in the road) but I do find it tiring and am concerned that they will hurt other people's feeling. Another problem is that while it is probably not uncommon for a 5-year-old to be stomping around hating things it's harder to manage a 2.5-year-old doing the same thing. And, oh how she does the same thing. In reality, they are both quite good about such things and kind around their friends/peers. My kids are rarely bothered by name calling themselves, which at least makes this all the less traumatic but may also mean that I don't intervene enough. Meaning, I have never really had to role play what to do or say when someone says something you don't like so I was all the more stunned yesterday when Henry said "I hate you, Mia" (I think she snatched a toy), to which she calmly replied, "I like me. I like my whole self." Out of nowhere. It was perfect.

mia

2009-11-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I find my daughter so cute and overwhelmingly awesome multiple times a day, every day, that I, to borrow an apt phrase from Henry, feel like I am going to barf? Really. It's worse than any crush I've every had on a boy and I desperately hope it never ends. I feel guilty writing this but I don't think anyone or anything else in my life has ever made me feel so happy and so lucky. There it is. Henry, you have my permission to use this against me for the rest of your life. If I were you I would.

I was going to leave it at that but it hardly seems fair not to make some qualifications. It's not that I have a favorite by any means. Henry is perfectly as he is supposed to be and Jason and I give each other awestruck glances all the time when he says or does something brilliant, adorable, amazing. I think a big part of it is that I am more settled and comfortable in my role as a parent now than I was a few years ago. Also our family feels complete (I think) so it's easier to sit back and enjoy what we have right now. Henry keeps challenging us in new ways and while Mia is much more defiant and difficult than he was at 2.5, we know how fast it all changes and don't get hung up on the tantrums. The other part of it that is just fate is that Mia is just so darned much like me. She looks like I did and I feel like I really get her on a deep level. She is like a little me but with infinitely more confidence and it's a fun thing to see evolve before my eyes.

more treats than tricks

2009-11-01T09:42:00.001-08:00

I just had a brief moment in which I wondered if my login would still work. It does. I'm back! I can't resist the annual NaBloPoMo so I'm at it every day of November and hoping that I can keep up the momentum. I have missed posting and not missed it. More on that in one of the next 29 days. For now, we have some Halloween shots. Mia decided she wanted to be a butterfly over a month ago and stuck with it she was also amazing about the wings and the "sometimes a little bit pokey" antennae headband. I can hardly believe this kid is only 2-and-a-half. It was a day of multiple costumes and much activity. They both held up amazingly well and had a great time trick-or-treating. The lovely, dry weather helped. It was so nice that when we got home we all hung out on the porch handing out candy, which had a double bonus of keeping the dog calm and from insane barking since no one needed to ring the bell. Bedtime wasn't super smooth but once the lights were out they didn't move or make a peep, which is unheard of. Perhaps it was the late bedtime or the sugar or the glowing green glo sticks clutched under the blankets. Sadly this didn't prevent them from waking up at 5am (4am thanks to the end of daylight savings. Aaaaahhh.). As usual, I am exhausted.

happy birthday, henry

2009-07-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

It really blows me away that you are now 5. It's seems like a big deal. Real school is just a few months away and you are figuring out the world more each day. Last night at bedtime you asked me who made the world. I offered a quick summary of the big bang theory and the God theory. At first you were focused on who made all of the roads and cars and towns and such and "people" was an easy answer. We talked about how the big question is who made people and nature. I remember having similar thoughts at your age and I also remember being thoroughly freaked out realizing that I was just one person with these thoughts rattling around in my brain in a huge universe. Pretty big thoughts for a 5-year-old but that's something you and I seem to have in common. I think it comes from my dad. We don't seem to stop thinking and planning and reasoning and questioning, even when it's not in our best interest. The great part about the conversation was that you didn't seem to get freaked out at the expansiveness of it all. You simply replied that, "oh, yeah, a volcano made nature. A tall, steep one." And that was that. It was all you needed. On one hand, your tendency to come up with your own answers and be so sure that they are correct drives me a little crazy (then again, it's another on of my tendencies that emerged at an early age) but in most cases I love how you can be satisfied and comforted by your understanding of things. You aren't too caught up in the big picture or the pesky details. You are still a little kid and I am so very thankful for that. And I'm not ready for anything else yet.

I look forward to another year with you, learning how to give you what you need and showing you the things I love in this world. I hope that our similarities will allow me to help you navigate through life a little easier than I have at times and when I can't, that I can help you pick up the pieces and move forward with strength and the knowledge that you are loved always, no matter what. Sweet dreams as you rest tonight my newly-5-year-old boy. Love, Mama

moving to the country?

2009-07-07T20:41:00.001-07:00

This is what happens when you have a 5-year-old neighbor who is into princesses and all manner of plastic crap. She proudly packed up a big box of dress-up things she no longer needed/fit into and brought them to Mia. While the effort was sweet, it contained no less than 7 pairs of plastic high heels. My God. Henry actually took to a purple strappy pair immediately but thankfully I managed to box those babies back up. Never in a million years would I have guessed that a Disney princess apron ("dreaming of dancing" of course) and princess chef hat existed. Now I know.

monday morning

2009-06-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

This morning Jason and the kids woke up at the same time, about 45 minutes before he had to get out the door, leaving that precious window for me to get a little more sleep. i really needed it after a night of tossing and turning and insane dreams. Unfortunately, Henry and Mia decided they needed to press their bodies into me and play with cars and sing loudly for the entire 45 minutes. No matter how much I begged, ignored, whined, and threatened they couldn't be persuaded to leave my sides. At one point I was moaning at Henry to give me some space and quiet and he looked straight into my eyes from a few inches away and flatly said, as though I must have been confused, "it's not mother's day."

happy father's day

2009-06-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

I wanted to catch a quick photo of the kids holding the sign this morning while we let Jason sleep in so we could make it his computer desktop image for a cheesy little surprise- right up his ally. But, they were less than interested in working with me on one decent shot so instead Jason got a 10 shot screensaver of our little photo shoot. This was the first of several small things we did to make the day just a bit out of the ordinary and hopefully more fun for the father of this house.

saturday morning

2009-06-20T10:44:00.001-07:00

How sad is it that in my mid-30s chocolate can apparently produce the hangover that tequila could a decade ago. Sucks. I suppose it's worth noting that the munchkins each got me up in the middle of the night, but, really, it's gonna be like this?

one way or the other

2009-06-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like thinks are okay, fine, good even, maybe pretty darned good, OR, you might be losing your freaking mind? I feel sort of like that now. I think it's the former but can't totally rule out the latter.

I think things are better than they have been in awhile. I am happy. We are lucky. Life is good.

But, what's next? Where are we headed? Things are never easy how can they be easy now? What am I forgetting?

See what I mean. I'm just not sure these days but I am going to keep my fingers crossed and try to focus on the good that is here now.

from where does it come?

2009-06-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, we live in a city with a lot of tattooed people and I even have a couple little ones myself but my kids have had pretty limited exposure to tattoos and very little expose up-close-and-personal. I don't think this has anything to do with them liking temporary kid tattoos. Hell, I loved them as a kid and I don't think I saw a real tattoo until I was 10. I led a sheltered childhood in some ways.

In any case, they are always asking for rubber stamps on their bodies. I have an embarrassing stash of cutesie holiday stamps, smiling animals, babies, etc. Like I said, embarrassing, but I used to make a lot of invitations and cards, although I suppose that doesn't make it any less embarrassing of a habit/admission. In short, a lot of kid-friendly crap from which to choose, which made it all the more surprising when they each chose these the other night. If this is their natural inclination at almost-5 and 2, what do I have in store for me?

books for babies

2009-05-20T19:30:00.001-07:00

Since my readership is likely zero these days this may only be of interest to it's one intended audience member and that is fine. If not, please add to the list. My lovely friend, Nora, is having twins soon (very soon) and mo-wo has set up a lovely virtual baby shower for favorite kid books. Books were a bigger deal than usual around here when Mia was very young. Sometimes it was tough but breast feeding her while reading Henry a book was about all I could do to keep us all functioning some days. Here are a few of my favorites. The David Wiesner books are lovely and don't have words so the older child can help make up the story and can't be bothered if you miss a word or sentence or don't read it exactly right in your state of sleep deprivation. My kid can't be the only uptight perfectionist with a memory for exact phrasing out there, can he?

Zen Shorts by Jon Muth. It is lovely in so many ways.

Sector Seven and anything else by David Wiesner.

The Henry books by DB Johnson are quite nice and based on the life of Henry David Thoreau. I ordered Henry Climbs a Mountain online after enjoying Henry Works and unexpectedly found myself having to explain slavery to a 4-year-old. Not such a bad thing but a good reminder to read a book myself first whenever possible, at least so I can be prepared.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I find the Skippyjon Jones books a lot of fun to read. Who doesn't love a terrible Spanish accent?

My own childhood favorites include all of the Frog and Toad books by Arnold Lobel. It's has been nice that these are for sale in the little paperback stand at our local new season's grocery store so I could pick one up now and then to make both myself and the kids feel like we were getting a treat.

Henry went through a phase where it was always one more book. Or, more to the point, he would demand right up front that we read 5 books. I could always say no but I like to avoid a fight and solved this by asking his grandparents to stock us up on Little Critter books by Mercer Mayer. Favorites include Just a Mess, Just Go to Bed, and Just Going to the Dentist. They are short, easy to read and I actually find the illustrations quite expressive and funny. Also, the moral isn't half bad most of the time.

The only books I refuse to read are those about Amelia Bedelia. I just can stand all of the confusion and puns.

That's what I have for now. I am looking forward to seeing other's lists. I have a feeling we are going to be seeing babies very soon and I am so excited!

happy birthday, baby girl

2009-04-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

My dear Mia,
Happy birthday! You are 2 and you have been telling everyone who asks while holding up anywhere form 2 to 5 fingers. We came home from a visit with your grandparents in California today and when the airplane took off you looked out the window and panicked a little. You wanted down and out immediately and so I talked to you and held your hands. You clamed down quickly but wouldn’t let me move my hand from you chest. You held it with both of your hands and I felt so glad that I could comfort you so easily. You have been very attached to me lately, and while it can be exhausting, I tend to like it. I know I won’t be able to satisfy your every desire for long so I am happy to do it now.

You are such a sweet and intense little person. Your dad always says you are just like me when you are demanding and stubborn and difficult and I always nod. The thing is, he means it but he doesn’t mean it in a negative way. Our strengths and our weaknesses may be one in the same sometimes but we know what we want. Your speech has skyrocketed lately and I love how you express your understanding of the world. Your vocabulary is quite impressive with words and phrases such as reach, ceiling, sky, float, tall, meow kitty, hippo, hedge hog, red car, raisin, birds eat raisins, pop corn, hungry, stop it, get it, grab it, noooo mommy, nooo daddy, counter, shower, clean, play, build, candle. I’m sure you know literally hundreds of words but I am frequently impressed with your use of conceptual words and your clear grasp of what people are saying. Your favorite song has been Old Macdonald for months and you often drift off to sleep bellowing e i e i o. Lately you also request the alphabet by asking for “song lmmo” or “song efg” or “song adc” or, in the case of one time last week, simply “f.”

Today I held your hand to cross the street and you pulled it away and gave me a sidelong smirk. You know you have to hold our hands to cross the street but you have little interest. Melanie was with us and she said the look you gave me was one she has never seen before in the many month of caring for you. This doesn’t surprise me but it was interesting to have a confirmation that you do indeed interact differently with your parents, as I’m sure all kids do. You push us and test us and very rarely respond to the word no. This drives your dad crazy and me too to some extent but secretly I sort of like it. You have your own power and plans and you won’t let anyone get in your way.

Your relationship with Henry continues to grow. He loves to have you as an audience and sidekick and you are sometimes a willing participant. He follows your lead almost as much as you follow his. He interprets for you on occasion but sometimes he just makes up a story about what he thinks you mean. He loves you and tries to comfort you and calm you down when no one else can do the job. I love watching you really play and pretend together in the little kitchen or just rolling around and hiding under the covers together. You will continue to test each other’s patience and teach each other great lessons while making each other laugh.

It is absolutely unbelievable that you are already 2 and yet you often seem so much older. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings and get to know the little girl you are quickly becoming.

managed chaos

2009-03-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

Things, they are better. Things are actually a whole lot better with my parents, better than they have been in a long time. I guess things needed to get really shaken up to clear out some of the bad feeling that were hanging around. On the other hand, we have been sick and our dear friend and nanny is having a miscarriage. It is awful for her, which is my first focus but not having childcare is also really tough here. The work deadlines are staking up and with such a small staff I have had to work through illness and inconvenience. I have been making mistakes, which makes me crazy. Henry's carpool, which allows me to be at work instead of picking him up at noon has been sick and unpredictable so I don't have a clue what I am doing from hour to hour it seems. Jason finally landed a job or two right as this all hit so we are pretty scattered and behind on many fronts right now. He and I are managing pretty well and trying to stay grounded though and succeeding somewhat. I am really looking forward to a week away in California soon. Staying with Jason's parents has never been amazing but we are going to try harder than ever to make it so this time.

ug

2009-03-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

The kids will. not. go. to. sleep. This is nothing new but they are literally (yes, I do mean literally) bouncing off of the walls in the next room. I am tired. All of this bullshit with my parents got umpteen times more dramatic when they both started sending me over the top emails last night. I talked to my dad today and we are going to have a meeting soon. I don't know. I don't want to make everyone's lives difficult and sad. I just want a break from crappy, emotionally-wrenching patterns. Really, I don't think that's too much to ask. A good friend just found out she's having a miscarriage today. Seriously, I think I know more people who have had miscarriages than haven't. It sucks. She is awesomely grounded and will be fine (as have been all of my other friends) but it still sucks. Jason hasn't had much work lately. Bad timing considering previously free childcare being up in the air. We are nowhere near having our taxes done and I can't shake the nagging feeling of deadlines and work yet undone. Just ug.

processing

2009-03-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

See? If I don't have a self-imposed rule in place I just don't write here. Also, things have been good lately, fine. As should be obvious, I tend to write more while I'm going through things. Actually, that might not be obvious. I have no real sense of a cohesive whole here. Just bits and pieces of days, thoughts, stories, working out issues. Complaining I guess. That's something I have always done in abundance but felt slightly bad about but not been able to stop. Maybe it's who I am and I just need to suck it up and accept that I am a complainer. But, I don't have a whole lot to complain about at the moment. Or, at least I didn't until last night.

I simply can't get into it here now but I will say that when my sister left all fo us behind 6 years ago I am certian she did the right thing. I have come to some realizations about my relationship with my parents that I don't think will ever change. I'm sure lots of people have family issues but mine are currently complicated by the fact that my mom comes to my house twice a week to take care of the kids, which makes getting some distance more complicated. I think I am moments from sending her an email (after last night's conversation there's no way I can be civil right now) canceling our childcare arrangement. I don't have a fallback in place and working less (for me or Jason) is not an option. My job can be flexible and my boss is understanding and I am going to play things by ear for a bit, but still, this is scary. It sucks emotionally and financially but it has to be done. So, in process indeed. We'll see how the cards fall...

2009-02-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

I spent a good part of the day picking up and organizing around here. Nothing too serious but I got to the bottom of a number of surfaces I haven't seen in weeks. At least. The office/bedroom remodel and swap was a big project and we went into it after a stretch of being sick and craziness so it feels like things have been a crazy mess forever. With a place for most things and a bit of puttering around, we made great strides. We have serious piles to organize, sort, donate, give away, trash in he basement. There is still tremendous effort required down there but it is great to have our living spaces cleared out and picked up. The new office is mostly there and is cozy and pleasant. It is all such and improvement I can hardily believe it took us this long to come up with a plan and change things.

When Henry was born, he slept with us or in a co-sleeper and then a crib, and later a bed, in our room. Then Mia was born and slept in our room, as did Henry until she was about 6 months old. So, we have been sharing our bedroom with a baby or toddler or both for 4.5 years. I have no complaints and wasn't thinking about rushing Mia out of our room but I have to say that I am unexpectedly thrilled to have our room back. I think I am sleeping better even thought they are just cross the hall and I can hear most noises they make. Mia finishing with diapers allowed us to get rid of the changing table and diaper pail, cloth diaper set up, etc. Without the crib and changing table, the room seems so much more spacious and, best of all, it gives me a nice, quiet, tv-free space in the evenings after the kids are asleep to do whatever I please. I'm not sure exactly what that is yet but I expect it includes reading, yoga, meditating, doing cross-word puzzles, finally organizing my closets and drawers, perhaps even talking on the phone. So, now I am off to sleep in my spacious room, resting on a bit of domestic satisfaction.

.

perspective

2009-02-27T20:07:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little sad at the moment about how very difficult the world is for so may people. There should not be starving babies or kids without mommies. Or daddies for that matter. But there are. I am feeling sad and trying to figure out how I can be more helpful to others. I also have a lot of perspective at the moment on how very small and insignificant my "problems" really are. I know that I will always have difficult moments appreciating what I have in front of me. It's inevitable. But right now I am vowing like I never have before to try. Every day. Really hard. Until I don't have to try so hard anymore.

over achiever

2009-02-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

I mentioned briefly some time ago that Mia was potty training herself. I have since thought of cute little related anecdotes and then failed to post them. Who really wants to hear about potty training anyway? A few weeks ago I would have just said that Mia did indeed potty train herself at 21 months and did a bang up job of it. She went from refusing to wear diapers to consistently peeing on the potty within a couple of days. She is a champ at public restrooms and doesn't seem to have any hang-ups. Amazing. Pooping on the potty took another week to get down and that was it for a few weeks. No accidents at nap time and sometimes she is dry all night (but in a diaper). I had to search for small enough underwear for her and a lot of her pants fall down without a diaper.

Then, since last weekend she has been having some random pee accidents. I knew it was too good to be true (trust me, I KNOW how lucky we are) but it's still far from bad. It is odd though to be going through the whole process with a chid who can't yet formulate a sentence. Still, my little girl is strong-willed and determined and a champion of mastering her bodily functions. This I know for sure.

In the first day or two she would sit on the toilet for up to 20 minutes just singing and talking. Here, Henry kept her company with her favorite Old MacDonald song.
Not to worry, she was fully clothed on the chair. She climbed up there herself with the potty on the first day we brought it up from the basement.

futile

2009-02-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

I fully realize how silly and pointless it is to get annoyed at the weather but if it really snows again tomorrow I am not going to be a happy camper. It is too cold and too gray. I know to expect it this time of year here but it often gets to me nonetheless. This year it is really doing me in. What I wouldn't give for a little sunshine.

back to work

2009-02-24T21:58:00.001-08:00

I was supposed to do a lot of work tonight (at home in front of the computer) but Henry fell asleep in the car this afternoon and, as predicted, took two hours to fall asleep. Much of that time he needed me since it would have been hell to try to put him to sleep with Mia so I put him in our bed. I should have just let him stay up for those 2 hours but I didn't. As I laid there, wishing he would just stop asking questions and go to sleep already, I composed cute little, well-crafted anecdote about each child from the last few days. Now, I am left with no time for that so here are the key pieces, the punch-lines if you will.

Today Henry called a SUV a USB. Ha. Raising kids in a world of technology and acronyms. Crazy.

Yesterday Mia put a bowl full of wooden mouse game pieces in the little toy kitchen oven. She closed the door, turned the dials, looked up at me and said, "cook. mice." and nodded. Genius? Maybe. Evil? Possibly. Adorable? Definitely.

end of the line

2009-02-23T19:44:00.001-08:00

After one kid waking up at 5 am and the other waking up later with a fever and stomach ache and not going to school and a long day of working in from of my computer and a hectic bedtime with two kids who didn't want to sleep, I think I am done for the day. I am actually going to bed before 8 pm. I may not be asleep for hours but at least I won't be cleaning or typing of editing PowerPoint presentations or doing the laundry, and right now, that's really all that matters.

normal

2009-02-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

The kids came home from my parents' house this morning and the rest of the day was pretty normal. They were both sweet and remarkably sane considering the transition. I can't believe how much we got done this weekend and how much more relaxed I feel. I am almost looking forward to the routine of the week. Henry is back to school after a week off and I have a really busy week at work ahead. It shouldn't be too hard but I am already not looking forward to the volume of things I must get through. I am ready to stop thinking so much and worrying about how things are going to work out. I have got to figure out how to really live in the moment more. I have been working on it for a long time but never seem to hold onto it for very long. Life just moves too fast, which is really all the more reason to just take it as it comes.

peace

2009-02-21T22:57:00.000-08:00

The kiddos ended up spending another night at my parents. And while we miss them and spend much time talking about them, it is nice to have a break. The house seems empty and quiet even thought they would be fast asleep here at this time of night. Jason and I cleaned and organized our new office, went out to lunch and did some little errands this afternoon. On the way home I noticed how calm I felt. As sweet and fun and great as our kids are, they are also a lot of work. Doing much of anything with them takes a large amount of energy, attention, and focus. I like having a little time and distance on occasion to enjoy the calm and quiet but also to miss them.

silence

2009-02-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

The kids are spending the night with my parents and I am off to bed for a long night's sleep. I expect I will wake up at 6am anyway but I will then go back to sleep. I am giddy just thinking about it. That is all.

just because

2009-02-19T21:24:00.001-08:00

crazy

2009-02-18T19:06:00.000-08:00

I am feeling totally off and weirded out because an insane neighbor from the street behind us came over and literally started screaming at me on my front porch. Never mind that I was holding Mia and my friend was just leaving and trapped by her on the porch. First she sped around the corner, parked her car and walked down our driveway to the back yard like she owned the place before stomping up to my front door. She ranted and raved about our dog barking and how we have to train her or have her debarked because she sounds like she's from the pit of hell. I am actually laughing a bit now as I put that last bit in writing, which is a welcome relief.

Yes, my dog barks but she is outside for very short periods of the day and if she gets too hyped up we bring her in. She is a beagle and she sniffs and bays. Really though, she sleeps the vast majority of the day and is in bed for the night by 8pm. This neighborhood is full of dogs, many of whom bark much more frequently. I have had my own issues with the constantly yapping little dogs that live 5 feet from the head of our bed but I had a respectful conversation with our neighbor and we worked some things out. I would have been happy to have a civil conversation with the woman but when I asked her to calm down and talk she yelled "NO!"

I am actually quite accommodating and often do more than I should to make other people happy. If she had given me half a chance I would have probably committed to doing more than was reasonable to make her life easier. Instead, she threw out a bunch of lies about how we leave dee dee outside when we leave (never, ever!) and the like and when I calmly tried to explain reality to her she just yelled that I was lying. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, we have good relationships with everyone on our street and the neighbors who were out across the street, with their little kids and Henry who heard all of this, said they almost called the police.

I did call the police, after the fact. I just wanted to see what I should do to document the incident incase it escalates. His first question was "did you close the door?" No, I tried to engage her for far too long. He recommended just closing the door and said "that's the beauty of living in the United States, you don't have to deal with crazy people at your door." Hmmm. I hadn't thought of it like that but, okay. I looked into the animal control (her threat) rules, which I already knew from my own previous research, and there is no way in hell we are in violation. The nut also kept yelling about how she had come to talk to me a year ago, when really, she and her (stinking) drunk boyfriend came over and walked into our back gate (6+ foot fence) and started slurring about all of the dog barking. At the time our next door neighbor's dog did bark a lot when left home alone and we thought they were just mixed up and crazy.

Now I think she is just crazy and crazy and I am a little nervous she is going to do something scary. Someone who goes up to a stranger's house and just yells for 10 minutes straight without even an interest in a discussion is unstable and not someone I ever want to see again. Unfortunately, I can see her house from here. The thing that really pisses me off is how crappy I now feel and that Henry keeps asking me "why that lady came over and yelled at you."

much too much

2009-02-17T22:08:00.001-08:00

I'm too sick and tired to write much and I've already stayed up way too late watching unimportant tv shows. Another one of those things you never think about before having kids is the luxury to just be sick and take care of yourself. Sure, work is an issue and I used to have a few other obligations but when I needed a sick day I could take it without having to take care of the health, happiness and minute-by-minute complaints and desires of two little people. I should be used to it by now but I'm not sure I'll ever be any better at feeling crummy and attending to the needs of others to such a degree. Off to bed it is and I will sleep with my fingers crossed that no one needs me in the middle of the night and high hopes for feeling better in the morning.

dragging

2009-02-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

Illness has caught up with me once again this winter. I feel like we must get sick more than most but then I look around at everyone else I know with kids in preschool and they are in the same boat. I've heard much worse than my sinus cold is going around so I guess I should feel lucky. I took a sick day and actually slept all morning for the first time in as long as I can remember. It would have been nice minus the pounding headache.

A common interaction I have with Mia:

me: say "hen"
mia: hen
me: say "re"
mia: we
me: say "henry"
mia: hiya

She has been calling Henry "hiya" for months now. Speaking of Henry, I asked him to bring me the phone this morning to call my office and he said he would talk to Heidi for me if I didn't feel like it. I told him I would have to leave a message, which he will never do, and he said, "when I said talk to her I meant I would leaver her a message." Okay. I didn't expect him to follow through as sweet as the offer but I called and after the beep he said, "Sorry, Heidi. Mom is sick and can't come to office to work today." So cute I could have died.

curious

2009-02-15T19:03:00.000-08:00

Mia has developed a curious verbal habit ever since I said the word "chippie" when asking if she wanted chips. Henry repeated it and chips became chippies. Baby talk essentially. Yet another reminder that I must watch what I say at all times around both kiddos.The funny thing is that without any other model she does it for most words. Hat is hattie, hot is hottie, drink is drinkie, ball is ballie. Sometimes. That's the thing I find interesting. She says words correctly sometimes and adds the ie for the same words other times. Even for a word she has never heard before, she will repeat it back with the ie tacked on. To make things really interesting she can hardly pronounce s or c sounds. It took us all several minutes tonight to figure out that when she was repeating "ickie" with increasing frustration at dinner that she just wanted more chicken. In an instant I understood why she kept refusing the napkin I was trying to give her. Ickie indeed.

sigh

2009-02-13T21:59:00.001-08:00

I am feeling better today. The dam of impediments to progress seems to have given way at least a bit. I just went live with a huge web project I have been working on for months and it feels good. It went up with little trouble and is such a joy to work with compared to our old site. I have been dealing with web store and credit card processing technical glitches for weeks and everything finally came together. It has all really been weighing on me and is such a relief. At home, we are starting to move into the new office and it is going to be quite nice. It is interesting how things are starting to come together on multiple fronts all at the same time. The kids are well-settled in their new room and have fallen asleep together for the past few nights with minimal protest. Hooray for progress! I spotted the card reader in the bathtub today so I will get to posting some photos of it all soon.

unlimited possibilities

2009-02-12T21:08:00.001-08:00

I don't really believe that watching tv kills kid's imaginations but I have always found the argument that tv story lines limit the possibilities for imagination. The same can be said for books, really. In any case, here is little Henry anecdote that makes the point but, moreover, is just something cute I want to remember. I'm not sure it will come across in writing but here it is. henry was playing with our neighbor who is 5 and they were playing Star Wars. henry has never see it (or any movie really) and the neighbor kid, J, was telling him that there could only be one Darth Vader. henry was trying to explain that, "if we WANT there to be more than one Darth Vader then there can be. We can both be Darth Vader." J got increasingly agitated and started yelling that, "no! there can only be one Darth Vader. One! one! one! one! one! Henry looked slyly at our nanny and asked, "What is that? Five?" Already a smart ass at 4.5 but also just plain smart.

too much

2009-02-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

I am tired, feeling a little sick and overwhelmed with the details of most aspects of my life. I know it's temporary but I can't pull myself out of fatigue for long enough to figure it all out. Too many things have been in progress for too long. It has to get better soon. It has to.